What to Do If You Find Something Disturbing on Your Teen’s Phone

A recent survey by Commonsense Media found that about half of teenagers feel addicted to their cellphones, and even more of their parents agree.

But it’s not just mobile devices. The sheer number and variety of ways to communicate and share digitally are both vexing and sobering for parents, particularly if they have tweens and teens. And parents are rightly concerned about the possibilities of missteps in the internet age: embarrassing messages and posts kept alive forever, predators and identity thieves, even the threat of criminal prosecution for youthful mistakes.

Our children are comfortable exploring the new digital world. And unlike other aspects of a kid’s developmental trajectory, the challenges of the digital age aren’t something that parents today necessarily had to navigate in their adolescence.

This leads to a lot of confusion, and I am often consulted on the best way to deal with challenging situations involving the internet and social media. My first and most important suggestion is this: if you think something is alarming, slow down, step back, and try to understand the context. The internet isn’t going away, and our children need to learn to live with it safely and healthily. Compromise and cooperation are the key words here.

A parent might notice, for example, that their teenager spends a lot of time messaging with friends, including frequent use of aggressive or insulting language toward others. Another might discover pictures on their teen’s phone of them in their underwear or in suggestive poses. Or a parent who shares a tablet with their teen notices that the internet history includes searches related to sexual content or pornographic websites.

It’s normal for these kinds of situations to lead to a high level of concern for parents. But we want to try to avoid angry confrontations or extreme punishments (like trying to limit the teen’s access to technology/social media for months or years) if we can help it. That’s because young people need to learn how to navigate the online world so they can reap the benefits and avoid or address the above scenarios on their own in the future. And it’s good to have a helpful, understanding parent in their corner while they learn—not caregivers they are trying to outfox.

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It’s helpful to realize that the situations outlined above are often ones that teens themselves are confused about how to navigate, especially with the pressures that come with adolescence. For all the media attention to the negative influences of the internet and social media, research shows that most kids are using technology for the same reasons that adults are. They want to make new social connections, maintain high-quality relationships with friends and family members, and have access to information or interactions with others who share their interests.

However, they can still be eager, sometimes impulsive teenagers, easily led into making mistakes. While it’s undeniable that problematic and addictive media use is a reality, many of the issues that alarm parents and cause them to confront their teenagers may be more similar to real world challenges that teens face rather than symptoms of a new media apocalypse. Just as with drugs, alcohol and sexual activity, the digital world offers pitfalls teens have to learn to avoid. We do well to develop relationships so that we can teach teens how to navigate these challenges, rather than reacting angrily or hoping we can completely shelter them from the digital world.

So, what can parents do before the punitive spirit takes hold, ultimately helping their teens and the parent-child relationship?