The Bachelor Watch: Fantasy Suites Are Ja-Makin’ Ben Crazy

Welcome back to The Bachelor, where Sunday School teacher Ben is about to spend three nights with three different women. Ben says he has strong feelings for Caila, Jo Jo and Lauren B. and each of the women swear have strong feelings for Ben and don’t think it’s possible that Ben’s having the same feelings for two other women.

For this installment of Fantasy Suite, the traveling harem heads to Jamaica. Ben thinks Jamaica could be a really great place to fall in love and while he was totally paid to say that, it doesn’t make it any less true. As they all contemplate their future in the Fantasy Suites (will someone finally turn down the opportunity to turn down Chris Harrison’s indecent proposal?), Ben wanders the island in flip flops while Jo Jo, Lauren B. and Caila stand on their balconies in their satin robes and stare off into the middle distance, as per Bachelor tradition.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:

Fantasy Suite One: Ben had a great hometown date with Caila where they played house and ate Pinoy food, but with the specter of Fantasy Suites looming, everyone’s getting a wee bit self-conscious. Ben isn’t sure he’s going to be able to get beneath Caila’s surface, if you know what he means. (No idea if that is a euphemism or not.) They float down a Jamaican river in a companionable, if somewhat awkward silence. Ben eventually notes that Caila’s not herself today, and as everyone knows on The Bachelor, each girl is one off-day from a tear-stained limo ride. Caila claims she’s just “overthinking enjoying the moment.” Girl, chug your coconut and brush off your Dostoyevsky and you will know that “to think too much is a disease” especially on The Bachelor.

At dinner, Ben talks about Caila in the third person until she breaks and admits that she was a little weirded out that her boyfriend had two other girlfriends. To make up for her moment of doubt, she tells him she’s in love with him. That earns her a kiss and an invitation to the Fantasy Suite. Caila strips down to her swim suit and they retire to the bedroom as fireworks go off. No, really, there were fireworks outside. (That wasn’t a euphemism or a metaphor.) The next morning, they wake up together and Caila has perfect hair and makeup. Ben then calls her an Uber before his next date.

Fantasy Suite Two: Ben has missed Lauren B. since he saw her in Portland last week. To prove that he takes their relationship really seriously, he takes Lauren to go rescue baby sea turtles and help them on their journey to the sea, which is a beautiful metaphor for their love or something. After every baby turtle is taken care of, Ben admits to Lauren that her sister made him cry and she smiles like that happens all the time (which it probably does.) Much like Caila before her, Lauren is determined to tell Ben that she loves him, but first she has to survive a reggae concert helpfully supplied by the Jamaican tourist board.

At dinner, she tells him that he is the man of her dreams, but she just can’t quite get the words out. Ben hands her Chris Harrison’s golden ticket (not a euphemism) anyway and when they retire to the Fantasy Suite, Lauren finally tells him that she’s in love — and then Ben boldly reciprocates. That probably should have been in all caps, because is he allowed to do that? Has any other Bachelor used the L word on a date? Is he in love with Jo Jo, too? They wake up the next morning and Ben brings her breakfast in bed, kisses the woman he loves on her cheek, and heads out for his next overnight date.

Fantasy Suite Three: Ben takes Jo Jo to a beautiful waterfall and they strip into swimsuits and dive in, which is probably a metaphor for love, but even the producers can’t bring themselves to say it out loud. At least we now know Jo Jo is willing to take risks and make herself vulnerable (jumping into a waterfall in a bikini is not for the faint of heart.) After she rearranges her swimsuit, Jo Jo tells Ben that she loves him and then BEN SAYS IT TOO. Ben! What! Are! You! Doing!?

“I don’t know how you can be in love with two women, but I am,” shrugs Ben, who may be using his overwhelming love as a way of rationalizing back-to-back-to-back nights in the Fantasy Suite. Jo Jo interviews that she now knows that Ben is going to be her husband. Doesn’t he know that it’s going to be so much worse when he dumps her? Or Lauren? Does he know he can’t marry two women in this country? Doesn’t he know that Jo Jo’s brothers will drop kick him if he breaks her heart? Jo Jo spends the rest of their night talking about how glad she is that he loves her and he spends the rest of the evening slowly back pedaling by questioning whether or not her family will support them as a couple, not financially. (Jo Jo’s mom is probably drinking wine straight from the bottle again while watching this episode).

The Cut: Now that Ben has said the L-word to two out of three of his girlfriends, it’s clear who is going home. Ben had an “amazing overnight date” with Caila, but he’s not in love with her. He just can’t get there with her (not sure if that’s a euphemism or not) and has to say goodbye, but he’s not looking forward to it. In case this episode wasn’t awkward enough, the producers let Caila go on and on about how much she loves Ben and then drop her off at Ben’s hotel for a surprise visit.

Ben does not look happy to see her, but just makes the plunge. “It’s really hard to say goodbye to you,” says Ben, but he’s going to do it anyway. Caila rolls her eyes and says, “I’m going to go because there’s no reason to stay. ” She’s strong until he hugs her goodbye and then bursts into tears. She gets in the limo to drive off into the sunset, but then changes her mind, because she wants answers. Ben doesn’t really have any, but just keeps saying, “I’m really going to miss you, Caila.” She flips her hair one last time and cries in the limo all the way back to her hotel. At least her hair still looks good.

The Rose Ceremony: Despite the fact that Caila is already gone, they host a Rose Ceremony. Jo Jo and Lauren walk in to the mansion, and each tell Chris Harrison that their overnight was great, that they told Ben they loved him, and he reciprocated. Chris Harrison does a mostly admirable job of not smirking or glowering while clearly planning who he should fire. The producers then leave Jo Jo and Lauren to stand next to each other for an awkward amount of time. Ben finally shows up and hands each of them a rose and is minutes away from asking them both to join a new religion (and new reality show) and be sister wives. As they toast each other, Ben voice overs that he is in love with two women. Hopefully whichever of these women he does marry will show this clip to him during every single one of their fights for the rest of their lives.

Next Week: The women tell all!