The Bachelor Watch: Bahama Drama

Welcome back to The Bachelor, where Ben Higgins is looking for love in all the wrong places (specifically, on national television). Last week, Ben took his bevy of blondes (and two brunettes) to Mexico where the drama that ensued could not be contained into just one two-hour episode but spilled over to this week.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:

The Drama: In case you forgot, there was some big drama last week. No, not the fact that Ben sent Jubilee home (because he doesn’t deserve her!) unfairly abbreviating her time on the show. But no one on the show is talking about the fact that Jubilee made it further than any other contestant of color on the show. Instead they are talking about how Olivia said Amanda reminded her of Teen Mom, which Emily says is the most offensive joke she’s ever heard. (Ever? Really? I’ve seen more offensive fortune cookies.) Ben decided to halt the Rose Ceremony in order to talk to Olivia. She explains that she’s had a target on her back ever since she got the First Impression Rose. Ben accepts her excuse and returns to the party with Olivia on his arm and her rose in her hand. In an undramatic end to a dramatic situation, Ben tells his suitors, “I enjoy and appreciate each one of you.”

The Rose Ceremony (Continued): As the Rose Ceremony continues after last week’s interruption, Olivia still has a rose (and a great attitude: “Come at me, bro!”) along with Teen Mom Amanda, and kindergarten teacher/model Lauren H. Caila gets the first rose, followed by Lauren B., Jo Jo (who is still not a potato), Rerun Becca, Leah (who?), and then suddenly it’s the Final Rose. Only twin Emily receives it, meaning that lone brunette Jennifer is out. She takes a deep breathe, accepts her fate, and walks off into the sunset (to get blonde highlights at the closest salon). Ben stands like a dark haired island in a sea of blondes and announces that he is taking them all to the Bahamas .

The First Date: Ben decides that he needs another one-on-one date with Caila because Ice Cube and Kevin Hart ruined their first date with all their celebrity and jokes and hot tubs. While Caila is thrilled to go fishing with Ben, Leah is so bereft at not getting a one-on-one date that she turns into a dyed blonde Jean Paul Sartre with the existentialist crisis to prove it. She wails into the camera, “I am questioning everything!” Ben, however, is having a blast with Caila. As Leah moans, “He’s not taking a leap with me,” the wily producers cut to a shot of Ben taking a leap with a bikini-clad Caila off a boat, just in case we didn’t get it. (The producers have very low expectations of their viewers.) During dinner, Caila tells Ben that she feels like she’s in love with him, but she doesn’t want to break his heart. Ben is confused — because this is the most confusing conversation ever — but when she decides that her feelings are real, he finally hands Caila the Date Rose.

The Group Date: Ben just wants to chill on a big boat with Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Jo Jo, Lauren H., and Leah and feed a bunch of pigs some (chicken) hot dogs. Just like in the “Big Pimpin'” video, but even bigger pimpin’ because pigs. (You know Farmer Chris is so bummed he didn’t think of this date idea.) Ben spends too much time feeding hot dogs to the pigs with Lauren B. (that is not a euphemism) and the other women get jealous. Ben begs the audience to explain to him exactly how you are supposed to date this many women that you have feelings for and keep everybody happy? I believe it’s called drugs, Ben. Specifically Viagra and Zoloft. On the beach, Leah and her little gray cloud come to rain on Ben’s beach day by telling him that she has a sad about not getting alone time. He swears he wants to get to know her, but, later, because he has a pig to feed.

The After Party: Ben noticed that everyone but him (and the pigs) hated the date, so he decides to turn the date into group therapy. He accuses Becca of being standoffish and she says she was mad because he was paying too much attention to Lauren B. He says he likes her too and they kiss. He then has the same conversation with Amanda, Jo Jo, Lauren H., and Leah. Everyone uses the chance to make out with Ben except for Leah who takes the chance to tell Ben that Lauren B. is a faker. When he confronts Lauren B. she denies and later starts crying. Leah denies any involvement, because after her existential crisis, what is truth anyway? Ben gives the Date Rose to Amanda while Lauren B. thinks about what she’s done and Leah files her nails while reading Alvin Plantinga.

More Drama: Leah has gone full Anton Chigurh and decided to leave no witnesses to her crime. She heads to Ben’s suite and instead of swapping spit and childhood memories, she spends the entire time bad mouthing Lauren B. Eventually Ben stops her and tells her, “Something just doesn’t feel right.” He sends her home in the Taxi of Shame. While Leah is long gone, she may have sewn the seeds of doubt about Lauren B.

Two-On-One Date: If you want to ensure a shot at a two-on-one date, be sure to make sure the producers know that you actively dislike someone else in the house. After last week, the producers pit Olivia against Emily in the hopes that drama will ensue. Ben takes them both to a desert island in a squall, using the fringe on Emily’s bikini top as a weathervane. Ben talks to Olivia first. She opens up enough to tell him, “Deep intellectual things are just my jam.” Then she announces that she’s in love with Ben. By the time Ben gets back to Emily, the wind has transformed her to Cousin It, but that’s what she gets for not bringing a hair tie. Emily tells Ben that she wants this date to be a turning point for them. He then picks up the rose and goes to talk to Olivia, who, thanks to the editors, is planning her wedding color scheme before Ben admits that he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. He and Emily leave Olivia crying on the beach as the tide is coming in. At least the waves will wash away her tears.

The Rose Ceremony: Ben can’t handle being alone with seven drinking women right now, so he cancels the cocktail party and goes straight into the Rose Ceremony. Caila, Emily, and Amanda clutch their roses in their sweaty hands while Ben mulls the three roses he has to hand out. Becca gets the first one and Jo Jo the second, because Lauren B. must do her penance and be called last. That means Lauren H. is going home to dry the tears and wipe the noses of her kindergarten class — so, pretty much the same thing she did on The Bachelor.