--- title: 1 Ridiculously Easy Trick to Improve How You Communicate description: Focus on the person you're communicating to. canonical: https://time.com/4210157/relationship-communication/ author: Kira Asatryan article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2016-02-09T13:00:19.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:56:21.046Z article:section: Ideas og:title: 1 Ridiculously Easy Trick to Improve How You Communicate og:description: Focus on the person you're communicating to og:url: https://time.com/4210157/relationship-communication/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4f1ee0974ad3c442/69887c5af887dc8c68e947ac/young-couple-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 4970 og:image:height: 2796 og:image:alt: young-couple-holding-hands og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: 1 Ridiculously Easy Trick to Improve How You Communicate twitter:description: Focus on the person you're communicating to twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4f1ee0974ad3c442/69887c5af887dc8c68e947ac/young-couple-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # 1 Ridiculously Easy Trick to Improve How You Communicate > Sponsored content. 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Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=ac61bceb-89c7-4b18-a8e1-b360d152e958&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1) ## Video: A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now [Watch (HLS stream): A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uJFYIrvP.m3u8) (3:13)  _Published 2014-08-20. A practicing sex therapist in New York City, Dr. Shirley Zussman has witnessed everything from the legalization of the contraceptive birth control pill to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s to the rise of internet porn in the new millenium._ by [Kira Asatryan](https://time.com/author/kira-asatryan/) ## Kira Asatryan Feb 9, 2016 1:00 PM UTC  South Africa, Cape Town, Couple holding hands South Africa, Cape Town, Couple holding hands Getty Images by [Kira Asatryan](https://time.com/author/kira-asatryan/) ## Kira Asatryan Feb 9, 2016 1:00 PM UTC We all know that communicating well is vital to keeping relationships healthy. By some accounts, communication is the backbone of all relationships – especially the romantic kind. If you can’t communicate well enough within a relationship to coordinate, problem solve, express your perspective, and share your feelings, the relationship will struggle for survival. But you may find, as many of us do, that communicating well is a much more difficult task than it seems. Most people enter relationships with the intention to build open lines of communication and to express positivity towards this person that they (assumedly) like. So why is communicating well so hard? One thing I’ve noticed while coaching couples is that those couples who communicate the best with each other seem to be doing it effortlessly. We could chalk it up to being a natural ability, like having a great pitching arm or a beautiful singing voice, but I don’t find that to be true. **Instead, I think we are approaching the idea of “good communication” all wrong, and a simple shift in perspective can drastically improve your communication skills.** So what are we doing wrong? We are focusing far too hard on the goal of “communicating well.” If you go to (almost) any couple’s therapist, he’ll tell you that you need to learn to “communicate better.” While that’s an admirable goal, “good communication” is just an abstract idea that, when put into practical application, has little-to-no meaning. For example, is it “better” when communicating with your partner to be more truthful or more kind? Is truthful communication “good communication”… or is kind communication? I think most people would say that, ideally, one could be both truthful and kind at the same time. But we all know from real-life experience that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to communicate something both truthfully and kindly. If a man is no longer sexually attracted to his wife after she’s had a baby, is there a way to make that truth kind? What if a woman’s disappointed with how much weight her husband gained after the wedding. Is the best communication, in that situation, to say nothing? **When the truth that needs to be communicated is inherently hurtful, the path towards the abstract goal of “good communication” gets infuriatingly obscure.** So, what should we do instead? We should follow in the footsteps of those couples who’s communication seems effortless and natural. **Instead of focusing on trying to communicate well, these couples simply focus on each other.** When I suggest you focus on each other, what I mean is that in the midst of a difficult conversation, keep engaged attention on the other person. Listen to what he’s saying with the intent to understand him better (not to formulate a rebuttal). Notice what he’s _not_ saying. Watch his body language. Use your senses to pick up on his feelings. And above all, ask questions! Using this approach, the difficult situation described above could be handled like this: The man who’s no longer sexually attracted to his wife could ask her how _she’s been feeling_ about their sex life. It’s highly likely she will have her own concerns that line up with his. She will likely know that their sex life has been dwindling and may express her own concerns about the way her body looks. By focusing on her, the husband will still be addressing the issue he needed to address – their lack of sex – but his wife will walk away feeling cared about and understood instead of devastated. This approach, which puts your focus on the other person, flies in the face of our traditional notion of “communicating well”… which asks you to put your focus _on yourself_. But when your energy is directed at choosing every little word you say perfectly, it’s substantially harder to understand where the other person is at. To sum up, “good communication” is a very poorly defined, abstract goal. It’s no wonder that we have a hard time achieving it! Instead, try focusing with sincere attention on your partner – her words, her gestures, her feelings – and responding to her in the moment. If you can stay present and speak to the information she reveals as it comes, good communication will feel like it’s happening naturally. You’ll be so engaged with your partner that the goal of “communicating well” will be the farthest thing from your mind! ## Transcript [00:00] Sexual pleasure is only one part of what men and [00:03] women want from each other. They want intimacy, they [00:07] want closeness, they want understanding, they want [00:10] comfort, they want fun, and they want somebody who [00:14] really cares about them beyond going to bed with [00:16] them, and I think people are always seeking that. In [00:20] every generation. [ MUSIC ] [00:23] My name is Shirley Zussman. I just reached a hundred [00:27] years of age, and I am a practicing [00:32] sex therapist. I was invited with my husband [00:36] to a lecture in New Jersey, in 1966. Masters [00:41] and Johnson were the speakers. No body knew about [00:43] them. Human sexual response had just been [00:46] published, what I saw was a couple [00:51] who will say that people had problems in an area [00:55] in their lives that was very important and they were [00:58] recognizing that it was all not just. Glamorous and [01:01] wonderful to be sexual. One had to almost had to [01:05] learn how to be a good partner and to endure the [01:08] pleasure not only for yourself but for each other. And I [01:11] thought we can do that. Why can't we do that? And we [01:15] applied for training with Masters and Johnson at that [01:17] time. The patients that came to us were people who [01:21] read the paper. The only way they do anything about [01:25] the work that was being done there. And the problems [01:28] they came with, was somewhat different than the [01:30] problems they come with today. Mostly, women came [01:33] because would put out orgasmic, they didn't know how [01:36] to achieve an orgasm, but they wanted one. It [01:40] was so over that ,. Goal they had for themselves and [01:43] how do I get there. That was one Masters and [01:47] Johnson's contribution that there was a relatively [01:51] simple way to start learning about your body. In [01:55] other words, get, get to know your, who you are [01:58] sexually and physically and that was. And [02:03] encouragement for masturbation for learning what [02:06] makes you feel good. I [02:12] see a big change in the we view casual sex. [02:17] In the 60's I think it was not just casual it was frantic. [02:21] I'm shocked at the lack of connection with people; [02:25] because of iPhones, even I love my iPhone. There [02:30] is so much less actual physical connection, there's [02:34] less touching, there's less talking, there's less holding, [02:38] there's less looking, [ INAUDIBLE ]. People get pleasure [02:41] from looking at each other. But the most common [02:43] problem, I would say, in the sex therapy [02:49] that I live in, is a lack of desire. You have to look [02:53] at your priorities. You have to decide what is important [02:57] to make you feel good about yourself and your life. [02:59] And to help make your partner feel good and to [03:03] establish something that is gratifying that really fills [03:07] a need that we all have to be close to somebody. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/4210157/relationship-communication/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/4210157/relationship-communication/"},"headline":"1 Ridiculously Easy Trick to Improve How You Communicate","datePublished":"2016-02-09T13:00:19.000Z","dateModified":"2026-08-04T07:56:21.046Z","description":"Focus on the person you're communicating to","url":"https://time.com/4210157/relationship-communication/","keywords":["Psychology","Marriage","Dating","relationships","communication"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4f1ee0974ad3c442/69887c5af887dc8c68e947ac/young-couple-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"Kira Asatryan","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/kira-asatryan/"}],"articleSection":"Ideas","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4f1ee0974ad3c442/69887c5af887dc8c68e947ac/young-couple-holding-hands.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675,"headline":"young-couple-holding-hands","caption":"young-couple-holding-hands","creditText":"Getty Images","representativeOfPage":true}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/section/ideas/","name":"Ideas"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/tag/psychology/","name":"Psychology"}},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/4210157/relationship-communication/","name":"1 Ridiculously Easy Trick to Improve How You Communicate"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now","description":"A practicing sex therapist in New York City, Dr. Shirley Zussman has witnessed everything from the legalization of the contraceptive birth control pill to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s to the rise of internet porn in the new millenium.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/uJFYIrvP/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2014-08-20T13:40:15.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uJFYIrvP.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/4210157/relationship-communication/","duration":"PT3M13S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/4210157/relationship-communication/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```