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The Bachelor Watch: ‘Nam, Man.

7 minute read

Welcome back to The Bachelor, where Juan Pablo is traveling the world with a bevy of single women so he can be a good role model for his daughter. (Makes sense.) There are 11 women left and Juan Pablo is sort of reasonably confident in predicting that maybe one of them might possibly be his wife. But first, he’s going to make out with all (well, most) of them as a way to winnow the herd until one woman proves herself worthy of washing Juan Pablo’s soccer socks forever and ever, until death do they part. Romance!

Here’s what happened last night on The Bachelor:

Best Travel Reporting: Lonely Planet guidebooks have nothing on The Bachelor contestants. When they arrive in Vietnam, one notes, “This is like nature.” Another believes this is the setting “for a real love story,” while yet another “believes this is a good place to make a connection.”

First Date: Renee, the single mother/real estate agent/resident house mother, got invited on her first date with Juan Pablo. They wander the streets of the city and the producers — or Juan Pablo, rather! — take her to get a tailor-made dress. When she starts sweating at the prospect of sweating in a 100% silk dress in 100% humidity, Juan Pablo buys her a fan, which she thinks is endearing. Renee thinks the date is “really really comfortable,” like a sweatshirt you only wear on National Hangover Day. Then Juan Pablo renders her speechless by suggesting they get presents for their kids. Renee wants to kiss Juan Pablo, but Juan Pablo won’t kiss her out of respect for her son, which manages to come across as both sweet and wildly patronizing. The woman chose to come on a dating reality show — she knew kissing was a possibility. Still, Juan Pablo won’t kiss her, but he will give her a rose.

Best Metaphor: A frog hops into the camera and 11 girls swoop in to kiss it, hoping it’s a prince. Turns out, it was just a frog.

Group Date: When Andi is included on the group date, she reveals that she is “super worried” that she hasn’t really connected with Juan Pablo yet. Sure, she made out with him in a stadium kitchen, but she hasn’t gone on an actual date with him yet, and she’s starting to take it personally. Does disappointing your mother on national television count for nothing these days?

Advantage Clare: On the group date, everyone pairs up except Clare, who has no friends, apparently. So she gets matched with Juan Pablo, much to the annoyance of the other women. Juan Pablo and Clare float down the river in a little boat and make out a lot. That will teach the other women to make friends!

Two Magic Words: Andi, who has spent the entire episode freaking out because she hasn’t gone on a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo yet, corners him in the vegetable patch and demands answers. He tells her, “Trust me.” And she does. Sucker.

Weirdest Complaint: Kelly confesses that she can’t believe that Clare took as much time with Juan Pablo as she could. Um… isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?

Playing Favorites: At the after-date party, Juan Pablo pulled Clare away from the crowd first and took her to his suite for a dip in his private pool. (That wasn’t a euphemism.) They made out a bunch. And when Juan Pablo tired of her, he returned her to the party and traded her in for Sharleen. Then they made out for awhile.

Biggest Sign You Haven’t Watched The Bachelor Before: Andi is struggling with watching her fake boyfriend date 10 other women. She moaned, “In what reality does that actually happen?” Reality TV, Andi. Then Andi made out with Juan Pablo on the beach, chuckling, “Sorry, Mom, another episode you can’t watch.”

Best Way To Kiss The Girls And Make Them Cry: Juan Pablo gave Clare the date rose.

There Are No Rules In Love, War or The Bachelor: Clare wanted to cross “Swim in a Warm Ocean” off of her bucket list and she wanted to do it with Juan Pablo, so she took a play from the Courtney Robertson Playbook and snuck to his room in the middle of the night and invited him out for a midnight dip. Juan Pablo actually said “Ay yi yi,” before making out in the ocean. A lot.

Bachelor Milestone: Clare has decided to let herself “be vulnerable.” Then she compared herself to a baby giraffe.

Second Date: Pediatric nurse Nikki was invited on the second one-on-one date with the promise that they will go to “hell.” Tantalizing!

Secretest Sloppy Seconds: Nikki believed this date could change her life forever, but what she doesn’t know is that Juan Pablo was up all night with Clare. In fact, he probably still has Clare breath.

In Which They Go To Hell: Juan Pablo took Nikki cave jumping, but, of course, Nikki is scared of heights. Is it a requirement that all Bachelor contestants be scared of heights? Luckily, Nikki was willing “to take risks for love.” More importantly, she wore a flower child-meets-Wonder Woman headband while she did it. Nikki noted sagely, “I either live or die or I poop my pants.” Adding, for good measure, that cave diving is a lot like falling in love, because you are trusting the other person and you have very little control.

Humility Makes The Heart Grow Fonder: After surviving their cave jump, Nikki and Juan Pablo sat down to dinner where Nikki boldly confessed, “I think I’m super-compassionate. I think I have a huge heart.” Juan Pablo is clearly a sucker for humility, because he stroked her ear and handed her the date rose.

Most Ominous Camera Shot: Juan Pablo joined the cocktail party and immediately killed the mood by announcing that he had to send three women home that night. The camera immediately cut to Danielle, which is more camera time than she got the entire season.

Worst. Bachelor. Ever.: After going for a late night ocean swim with Clare (it’s not clear if that’s a euphemism, but it probably is), Juan Pablo felt guilty and decided to take Clare out for a slut-shaming stroll. He pulled her outside and reminded her that he has a daughter and if his five year old daughter happened to watch The Bachelor and saw her daddy making out with a lady in the ocean, she would require years of therapy. And it’s all Clare’s fault. Instead of telling him to stuff it — because he makes his own choices and can talk to his own darn daughter — Clare feels awful and guilty and started crying and went outside to have “a moment.” Ugh, the women should all pack their bags and go home. No one should get stuck with this guy.

The Least Shocking Rose Ceremony: Clare, Renee and Nikki all have roses already. At the ceremony, Juan Pablo doles out some flowers to Sharlene, Cassandra, Chelsie, Catherine and Andi. That means we say farewell to three women who have gotten no screentime whatsoever: Kelly, Alli and Danielle. Then Juan Pablo starts fake crying because it’s so hard to say goodbye.

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