The Bachelor Watch: Hot Tubs, Soccer Stars and Creepy Toes

Welcome back to The Bachelor where we join a young Sunday School teacher on his wholesome journey to find love by dating 20 young women simultaneously just like it says to do in Leviticus (or maybe Habakkuk.) Last week, Ben Higgins got in a hot tub with Kevin Hart while Ice Cube played Baywatch. This week, anything is possible.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:

First Date: Lauren B., who is not Lauren H. or L.B., may be a flight attendant, but when Ben suggests they take a ride in a bi-plane straight out of Indiana Jones (python not included) she does not look thrilled. Hope Ben enjoys holding her hair back while she pukes! They hop in the front, do their best Red Baron impersonations, and then start making out, bumping their headset microphones together, which the pilot undoubtedly appreciates. Just for kicks they buzz the Bachelor Mansion. Emily, whose chyron simply reads “Twin,” is so mad because she could have been on that date. She’s mad? Poor Caila had to go on a date to a hot tub supply store. Speaking of hot tubs, the plane lands and Ben and Lauren B stumble across a hot tub in the middle of a field. The producers probably had to buy it after Kevin Hart went skinny dipping in it and then couldn’t fit into their studio apartments, so just stuck it in the middle of a field. Surprise! Ben and Emily get in and make out in Caila’s sloppy seconds. Later, over dinner Lauren B. blurts out, “I want to meet your family,” which was definitely supposed to be an inside thought. Ben stares blankly while she blushes and pretends she wasn’t Pinteresting weddings in her mind. After dinner, they do the trademark awkward slow dance in front of some band trying to make a name for themselves. Ben gives Lauren B the rose and voice overs that this is the date he would want with his wife.

The Group Date: Ben takes Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Groucho, Shushanna, Leah, Harpo, Amber, Lauren H., Zeppo, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Chico, Lace, and Emily the Twin to Memorial Coliseum to once again try and make U.S. Soccer happen with some help from two of the World Champion U.S. Women’s Soccer team. Juan Pablo Galavis is probably spinning in his short shorts in anger that he’s not on this date. The Bachelor women know absolutely nothing about soccer to the extent that it’s possible that they were all locked in the AV closet for every single recess throughout elementary and middle school. Ben thinks it’s adorable and the women do, too, until Chris Harrison shows up to inform them that only the winning team will go to the after party with Ben. It’s game on and the girls are very serious. “Balls flying at your face is never fun,” says goalie Emily, without even a hint of snort laughing. Ultimately, Rachel gets injured and Jami scores the winning goal. Since Ben is otherwise occupied, Shushanna carries Rachel inside the mansion. Hopefully they will become a Bachelor success story.

The After Party: Olivia instantly grabs Ben and takes him to a hotel room. None of the women are impressed so they spend the time talking trash about her toes. For good reason apparently. Obviously Amber gets the date rose, because toes.

The Second Date: While Ben was dating six other women, Jubilee is crying because she has realized that she is probably not Ben’s type. Then she hears her name on the date card. Jubilee is excited, but less so when Ben shows up 20 minutes late for the date. Luckily, he brought a sweet ride.

Bachelor Milestone: Helicopter ride! Jubilee is scared of heights, so she’s not thrilled about the idea of a helicopter ride and scandalizes the other women by jokingly asking if someone else wants to go on her date. The women pick up stones and start shouting Blasphemy! like they are in some California-based reboot of Monty Python’s Life of Brian so Ben ushers her away — to an unsettlingly empty spa. Turns out that Jubilee doesn’t like helicopter rides or tardiness or caviar. She spits it out in front of Ben and tells him that she prefers hot dogs. Ben stares at her for a beat trying to figure out if she’s kidding. She is not. They hot tub, they swim, she gets her hair wet (!!!), they shuffleboard, they dine, and Jubilee opens up, which Ben appreciates. Her story is heartbreaking and sad and Ben Sunday Schools the heck out of it and then gives her a rose.

The Cocktail Party: Lauren H. knows that Ben wants a wife who can be friends with all the other soccer moms — and doesn’t think Jubilee is her. Ben dampens the mood by announcing that two friends of his family died in a plane crash last night. Olivia decides its the perfect time to cry about her cankles to him. He’s not impressed. He is impressed that Jubilee offers him a (fully clothed) massage to help him de-stress. The women? Think Stephanie Tanner after D.J. steals her journal. The women decide to confront her, but Jubilee smartly goes to hide in the bathroom instead. Ben goes to talk her down.

The Bachelor Shocker: After coping with Jubilee drama, Ben is ready to relax with his 20 girlfriends — and then Lace pulls him aside. Turns out she doesn’t want to yell at Ben for his failure to make eye contact, but instead is leaving the show. Apparently she needs to do some work on herself and for everyone’s sake, that should be done (far, far) off camera.

The Rose Ceremony: Amber, Lauren B., and Jubilee all have roses. Ben first gives a rose to Soccer Mom wannabe Lauren H., followed by actual mom Amanda, rerun Becca, Twin 1 and Twin 2, Rachel, Hot Tub Queen Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, and, finally, Cankles a.k.a. Olivia. She may have been called last, but she is so confident of their relationship because of their deep psychic connection and the secret signals he sends her (that even get through the tin foil hat). That means Jami is getting deported to Canada and Shushanna is off to do some math.