As you find yourself in public over the next few weeks, take a look around. Several of the people you’ll see will be silently grappling with a paralyzing fear. They’ll be pacing nervously, looking longingly at their phones without turning them on, and avoiding communication of any kind. Many of them, you’ll notice, will be very pale.
What could possibly be plaguing so many people? That would be Star Wars spoilers.
Luckily, we’re here to help those people, with seven tips for avoiding pesky plot spoilers before they get a chance to see The Force Awakens for themselves.
1. Don’t talk to anyone. This is the best place to start. Just cut off communication with literally ever other human being. No speaking, no whispering, no texting, no Snapchatting, no Morse code, no sign language, no carrier pigeons, no Words With Friends messages. Just don’t communicate with anyone. Dogs and cats are probably still fine to talk to.
Wait, no, not even dogs. Sorry.
2. Start paying for your own cell phone plan. Once you realize how expensive data is, you definitely won’t want to use any, and then you won’t be tempted to go on the spoiler-infested Internet.
3. Any time you see a male between the ages of 5 and 55, just start shouting. He IS a Star Wars fan, and he IS planning to spoil it for you. Your shouting will throw him off and allow you to make a safe exit while also drowning out his voice.
4. Stay away from the grocery store. Star Wars-branded grapes and oranges and apples might ruin important plot points. To be safe, every time you see J.J. Abrams — or anyone, really — near any sort of produce, run away with your hands over your ears.
5. Stop drinking water until you’ve seen the movie. Even our water supply isn’t safe from potential spoilers!
6. If you’re called for jury duty, stay home. A crazy lady who thinks she’s Princess Leia might be there. It’s just not worth the risk. And hey, if you end up in jail for bailing on jury duty, your cell could be a great place to avoid additional spoilers.
7. Abandon your life. If you’re a real fan who is serious about avoiding spoilers, then you should probably give everything up and go live as a hermit on a distant desert planet like Obi Wan Kenobi.