Last time, Republicans took a chance on a state with legal recreational marijuana, and it didn’t turn out that well. The moderators from CNBC got confused about the facts, the candidates forgot to answer the questions, and the following day, everyone was angry at everyone else.
So tonight, Reince Priebus and the Republican National Committee have decided to play it safe. They have relocated away from the demon weed to the land of watery lager, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Downside: More pee breaks. Upside: Less sudden feelings of existential dread, no uninvited visualization of the buzzer noise, and the stage lights will look less cool.
Two candidates have been kicked off the main debate stage, because this is Fox Business, and the boss, Roger Ailes, is the only man in the corporate media with the sway to do something like that. So before we start, pour one out for former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. May they once again ascend to the privilege of standing on the main stage for two hours, so they can get their eight minutes to bash the media, attack Hillary Clinton and expound upon America’s great future.
First, the particulars. The main stage debate starts at 9 p.m. EST, on Fox Business, which you probably can’t find even if you subscribe to cable. So watch it on your phone thanks to the Fox Business livestream here. That way, the pee breaks will not be a problem. The undercard gets going at 7 p.m.
Second, the supplies. This one is all about mass-produced lager. No craft beers. No wine. No hard stuff. And cans. That tinny taste will make all the difference. Bud. Miller. Light. High Life. Milwaukee’s Best. Pabst. Anything “Ice.” And anything from Canada. Because all that stuff tastes the same. Bonus points for those who can dig up a Schlitz or a Blatz. Remember, we are playing it safe. The Democratic debate is coming this Saturday. Not a lot of time to recover.
Third, this is not a real game. Real drinking games are dumb. If you don’t think that is true, you will in a few years. Trust me. So don’t actually follow these rules. And don’t drink and drive.
And we’re off:
- Chew on your can if former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he eats nails for breakfast. Gently. Just a nibble. Because, come on.
- Balance a beer can on your head, and swig from another, if Donald Trump says something new and shocking. There is no tougher act to follow than Trump, as he has been learning.
- Chug each time a Fox Business moderator takes a swipe at the lack of substance or media bias of the CNBC anchors during the last debate. If Maria Bartiromo or Neil Cavuto pull out voter registration cards to prove they are not Democrats, finish the can.
- Media bashing is the surest way to applause on the Republican debate stage, so bash a closed beer can every time it happens. (You can use the ground, your head, a wall, a mallet.) If a candidate tries to go against the tide, to observe that presidents don’t get to whine much, open the bashed can, and try to inhale all the froth that flies out.
- Finish all the Blitz in the house when Carly Fiorina steps all over a moderator telling her she has gone over her time. No one does it better than Fiorina.
- Marco Rubio will have the biggest target on him tonight. Drink each time Bush or fellow Senator Ted Cruz attack him. If he effortlessly deflects the attacks, pour a beer slowly into a glass and then sip it slowly, and savor.
- Ohio Gov. John Kasich will probably try to go off again on all the fantasy candidates on stage. Don’t drink when it happens. Only drink if he gets a rise out of any of the people clobbering him in the polls.
- Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul is still on the main stage. Cheers to him. Drink for that.
- If you work for Hillary Clinton, pound a whole six pack if the pundits say afterwards that it was another great night for Rubio.
Take a drink if:
- Anyone mentions baby Hitler
- There is a serious discussion of Medicare reform
- You feel that any of these candidates might improve your personal finances
- Someone says “Flat tax”
- Someone says “Dodd Frank”
- Carson compares anything to brain surgery
- Paul quotes a founding father
- Bush reflects on his struggles
- A candidate says the moderator’s facts are wrong
- A moderator counters by giving a citation for the fact
- Someone says “fantasy”
- Someone says “comic book”
- Someone says “quagmire”
- Someone mentions their father
- Someone brings up Benghazi in response to a question not about Benghazi
- There is serious discussion of the trade offs of trade agreements
- There is serious discussion of student loan reform
- Someone says “pee break”
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