Democratic Debate: TIME's Drinking Game for Vegas

October 13, 2015 11:23 AM EDT

You have gotten used to the spectacle. Now prepare for the sideshow. After two full-contact Republican debate-a-paloozas starring Donald Trump, a brain surgeon and a dozen more politicians, five Democrats will take the stage tonight in Vegas to show what they’ve got.

But don’t get too excited. Only two of the five—former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton—were even Democrats 15 years ago. Former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb was still a Reagan Republican. Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders was a “democratic socialist” who refused to join the Democratic Party until this spring. And former Rhode Island Gov. Lincoln Chaffee voted for George H.W. Bush in the 2004 presidential election. That’s not a typo. He voted for George H.W. Bush in the year George W. Bush was running for reelection.

Such is the state of the Democratic race. When CNN broadcast the last Republican debate, there were 15 candidates stretched over five hours of airtime. Tonight, CNN will only keep the lights on for two and a half hours, starting at 8:30 p.m. EST.

So we must change our drinking strategy. Think short bursts, not the long haul. Prepare to get excited about inequality statistics, not one-liner attacks. There will be no gruesome descriptions of abortion procedures or oppressed wedding cake bakers. You will have to make do with ideas for further Wall Street reform.

As always, the disclaimer: The following drinking game should not be attempted. It will make you ill, and cost way too much money. Also, if you do drink, make sure you are of legal age and don’t drive a car afterwards.

And away we go:

Pair red wine with a cracker if someone praises Pope Francis.

Chug a light beer if Clinton says Americans have been through tough economic times. If she says she understands the struggle or “empathizes with economic realities of my target voters,” head on down to the nearest dive bar to watch the NLDS. Root for the Mets. It’s Karma, Utley.

Drink a Red Bull when O’Malley says “new leadership,” “proven leadership” or “progressive leadership.” If O’Malley says he is the “only” candidate with proven executive experience, pour one out in solidarity with Chafee.

When you see the rippling edges of O’Malley’s enormous biceps flex under his suit jacket, shoot Jägermeister. If you are overcome with dizziness and feel faint, don’t drink. Just sit down and close your eyes. It will pass.

Drink a glass of milk when Hillary Clinton mentions she is a grandmother. Spike the milk with two shots of Kahlúa if she says her granddaughter is the “greatest little thing.”

Oink like a pig from George Orwell’s Animal Farm when Chafee repeats his campaign slogan, “Prosperity through Peace.”

Enjoy some rice wine when Jim Webb mentions Vietnam. If you are a resident of Oregon, Washington or Colorado, feel free to light one up.

Drink whiskey from the bottle when Webb says “Scots-Irish” or refers to his ancestors.

Sip Chardonnay, preferably something infused with French oak, like Marimar Estate’s 2008 Don Miguel Vineyard Chardonnay (93 points), when Bernie Sanders accuses billionaires of hiding their money on the Cayman Islands.

Sneak a drink from your friends’ glass when Sanders says income inequality is destroying America. Finish your friends’ drinks if Sanders says “so few have so much and so many have so little.”

If Chafee mentions the superiority of the metric system, open the Ouzo. If Chafee says more Americans should drive mopeds, finish the bottle.

If Webb asks any of the other candidates to test his stomach muscles by punching him, just take a moment to remember we are all blessed to live in this world. If he threatens to fight any of the other candidates, finish whatever is within arm’s reach.

Mix a pink martini as soon as the candidates start discussing the “War on Women.” Drink each time someone says “Planned Parenthood.”

Pour some of your drink on the floor if anyone mentions “mass incarceration.”

Tap a new keg if a candidate promises to help with college debt. Keg stand if the offer is free college and a lifetime of guaranteed happiness.

Take a sip for each of the following:

Clinton refuses to respond to a direct question.

A CNN moderator tries to get another candidate to attack Clinton for her email habits.

Any candidate says they opposed TPP or the Keystone Pipeline first.

Someone mentions their vote on the Iraq war.

Anyone says “hashtag” before “Black Lives Matter.”

Every single time someone says “guns.”

Webb criticizes President Obama.

Clinton criticizes Jeb Bush.

Someone mentions Donald Trump.

Someone uses a Vegas cliché.

Someone makes a joke about gambling.

Anyone claims to admire and respect Vice President Joe Biden.

The phrase “protect Social Security” is uttered.

Bill Clinton’s name is dropped.

“Immigrants” and “rape” appear in the same sentence.

With additional silly ideas from the rest of TIME’s DC Washington Bureau, especially Sam Frizell.

The Blooper Heard Round the World

As soon as the debates started back up, so, too, did the “gaffes,” beginning with President Gerald Ford declaring boldly that there was “no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe” at a time when every Eastern European country was securely locked behind the Iron Curtain.

TIME was as amazed as everyone else, calling Ford’s statement “The Blooper Heard Round the World.” Ford clearly knew that the Soviets dominated Eastern Europe, but he was trying to make a rhetorical point and simply blew it — and went on to blow the election.

The Age Issue

Some observers in 1984 worried that Ronald Reagan might have grown too old to continue in the presidency. His quip during a debate with Walter Mondale is widely seen as having defused this concern. “I will not make age an issue of this campaign,” he said. “I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.” Even Mondale laughed.

All the Emotion

In 1988, CNN’s Bernard Shaw asked Democratic contender Michael Dukakis a bizarre question, and elicited a (politically) terrible answer. “Mr. Dukakis,” Shaw asked, “if Kitty Dukakis [the candidate’s wife] were raped and murdered, would you favor an irrevocable death penalty?” This could have been a great time for Dukakis to shed some of his image as a remote, passionless technocrat. He could have said that, of course, as a husband, his instinct would be for revenge, but that we live in a democratic society, and personal revenge has no place in our laws. Instead, he gave a passionless, technocratic answer: “No, I don’t, Bernard,” he said, “and I think you know that I’ve opposed the death penalty during all of my life. I don’t see any evidence that it’s a deterrent and I think there are better and more effective ways to deal with violent crime.”

TIME’s Walter Shapiro wrote: “Dukakis mustered all the emotion of a time-and- temperature recording.”

No Jack Kennedy

Sometimes, the vice-presidential debates have yielded the more memorable moments in a given election year. Such was the case when Dukakis’ running mate Lloyd Benson tore into Dan Quayle, who was George H.W. Bush’s running mate.

Quayle, young and fair-haired, was often compared to John Kennedy (usually by Republican operatives) despite his being widely considered to be a bit of a dim bulb (an assessment that was in fact quite unfair). Quayle made the mistake of invoking JFK during the debate, giving Bentson his opening. “I served with Jack Kennedy,” Bentson said. “I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.” The audience erupted, and in the next day’s papers, “deer in the headlights” was the most-often-used phrase to describe Quayle’s reaction.

The Humblebrag of ’92

In 1992, Ross Perot’s prickly demeanor (“Are you gonna let me finish?”) got a lot of attention during the debates. But it was his running mate, Adm. James Stockdale, whose performance has proven the most memorable. In trying to be self-deprecating about his lack of political experience (actually sort of a humblebrag), Stockdale blurted our, “Who am I? Why am I here?”

Since he already had a reputation (whether deserved or not) as a confused old man, this soundbite was set in concrete. And just as people sometimes confuse Tina Fey’s takeoffs on Sarah Palin for Palin herself (it was Fey, not Palin, who said “I can see Russia from my house!”), people tend to remember Phil Hartman’s portrayal of Stockdale on Saturday Night Live a lot better than they remember Stockdale himself.

The Nod

By 2000, it had been eight years since a national debate yielded any real drama (Clinton vs. Dole was a snooze of an election). Most of the best bits of 2000 came from Al Gore, who memorably sighed a lot at statements from his opponent, George W. Bush. But the best moment might have been when Gore at one point stood up, seemingly to intimidate Bush, and Bush simply nodded hello at him and continued what he was saying.

Getting Personal

In 2004, it was once again the vice presidential debate that yielded the most memorable moment, when Dick Cheney was asked about gay rights. His daughter, a lesbian, wasn’t mentioned — that is, until after Cheney was finished answering, and his opponent, John Edwards, brought her up. “I think the vice president and his wife love their daughter,” he said. “I think they love her very much. And you can’t have anything but respect for the fact that they’re willing to talk about the fact that they have a gay daughter, the fact that they embrace her. It’s a wonderful thing. And there are millions of parents like that who love their children, who want their children to be happy.” Cheney and his wife Lynne both later said they were furious at Edwards for mentioning their daughter.

Likable Enough

In 2008, a common political question was whether Hillary Clinton was “likable.” In a primary debate, Barack Obama answered that question: “You’re likable enough, Hillary.” This was widely interpreted (especially among Clinton supporters) as rude and condescending. But it also could have been a genuine response.

Joe Kidding

Before her debate with vice-presidential contender Joe Biden, Sarah Palin asked her opponent if she could call him Joe. Of course, he said. That set her up for a canned line later in the debate: “Say it ain’t so, Joe.” Palin did much better in the debate than many people were expecting, possibly in part due to Biden being very careful to not insult her or otherwise seem cruel.

Oops

In recent years, primary debates — or at least debate moments — have been getting as much if not more attention than general-election debates. Perhaps the most memorable moment of 2012 came when Republican candidate Rick Perry couldn’t remember the third government agency he wanted to eliminate. He paused, he stumbled, he finally said “oops.” Perry recently became the first GOP candidate to drop out of the 2016 race, and some pundits have said that his “oops” moment might have destroyed his political career.

TIME’s Las Vegas Democratic Debate Drinking Game