Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars where the pants are tight and the dance moves are tighter. This week it’s TV week and every one is dancing to whatever TV theme songs the show’s legal department could get the rights too. After taking home the Mirror Ball trophy a few seasons ago, Alfonso Ribeiro (and the producers) have decided he is more than qualified to judge other ersatz celebrities on their jazz routines. He is sitting in as guest judge this week, even though Miss Piggy would be so much better at it.
Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars:
Carlos PenaVega and Witney Carson: You know how when you’re exhausted from sightseeing in a foreign country and you turn on the TV in your hotel room and it’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen? Well, Witney and Carlos just traumatized a bunch of TV-watching tourists tonight with their jazz routine set to “Thank You For Being A Friend” from The Golden Girls. It was downright unsettling to see a Sophia Petrillo stand-in get swung over the head of a senior citizen lothario. It’s just lucky that no one broke a hip. Julianne Hough kindly suggested that they may have gotten in to character too much. 31/40
Paula Deen and Louis van Amstel: Paula is stepping in for Mrs. Howell, the woman who had no purpose other than being a millionaire’s wife on Gilligan’s Island. What was supposed to be a three hour tour … er, a samba, turned into a shipwreck. To ward off the judges’ harshest comments, Paula’s tiny grandsons rushed the stage and she held them in front of her like human shields. In the face of such cuteness, Julianne feebly suggested they were swept away by the characters and the theme. Carrie Ann thought they captured the spirit of the show, though, which is good enough. 20/40
Tamar Braxton and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: Tamar thinks that Val’s concept for a tango to the theme from Mad Men, is a wee bit sexist. She suggests that she be the big boss who Val has to charm for a raise. (Kind of crushing on Tamar!) But to be authentic to the 1960s theme, Val gets in touch with his inner chauvinist and insists that he’s The Man. The tango was sleek and sultry and Bruno Tonioli is on his feet before it ends to rave about it. Carrie Ann dubs it “must see TV” and Alfonso calls her a frontrunner. 33/40.
Alexa PenaVega and Mark Ballas: The segment starts with Mark in an RV in the desert steaming costumes and looking for the good rhinestones and it’s clear he’s been dreaming of this moment for a long time. In fact, it’s actually a bit surprising that we haven’t seen a Breaking Bad themed dance on Dancing with the Stars before. They hit the ballroom floor in yellow plastic jumpsuits and gas masks and deliver one of the more memorable routines of the show—one of the routines worth watching even if you’re not a DWTS fan. Carrie Ann called the jazz number “genius” and “gender non-specific,” which seem to be equally complimentary. Bruno said there was “nothing bad” about it. Alfonso just tells her that she can win if she remembers that Mark is her partner—and her husband is not, which is kind of a downer. 36/40
Andy Grammer and Allison Holker: After the Breaking Bad routine, doing a quick step to the theme song from American Bandstand almost seems like cutting corners. It was fast-paced and flashy, but sort of expected. Alfonso gave Andy some very specific pointers about where to put his rear end, which seems like a bold statement for a guest judge. (Redfoo would never have dared!) Carrie Ann thinks he’s still too in his head and isn’t connecting with Allison. 29/40
Gary Busey and Anna Trebunskaya: Whichever producer decided to cast Gary as Gomez Addams deserves a MacArthur (although we all know Lurch would have been even more appropriate). Before they dance, Gary promises their tango to The Addams Family will be nothing short of “perfection” and it’s not bad. If they had cast him as Lurch the bar would have been appropriately lowered. Carrie Ann thought there was a “newfound elegance” to his dancing and Bruno was impressed that Gary actually did tango. Gary tells Erin Andrews that the difference was that he wasn’t wearing underwear. 25/40
Alek Skarlatos and Lindsay Arnold: Lindsay points out that America hasn’t seen “the sexy side of Alek” yet, and plans to change that with a tango to the True Blood theme. To try and convince him that he is sexy, she makes him flirt with all the lady dancers during rehearsal. Like a good soldier, he does what he’s told even though it’s all kinds of awkward. Luckily his moves on the dance floor were smoother than his moves off of it. Julianne thought his tango was “perfection” and credited Lindsay with being a great teacher. 33/40
Kim Zolciak Biermann and Tony Dovolani: Kim is not hitting the dance floor tonight, but she has a really good excuse: She just got out of the hospital after having a blood clot that caused a mini-stroke. After all that, she could not fly back to Los Angeles in time for the competition. While Kim Skyped in to say that she’s feeling fine and could be back in the ballroom next week, unfortunately, according to the rules of the show, if someone misses a round due to illness, they must withdraw from the competition. The crowd booed the decision, but Tom Bergeron just shrugged it off and told everyone to take it up with the lawyers.
Bindi Irwin and Derek Hough: Bindi and Derek wanted to dance to the theme from The Jetsons, but the lawyers couldn’t get the song cleared for them. (The legal team is not going to be very popular this week.) Instead, Bindi and Derek must dance a quickstep to “Moving On Up” a.k.a. the theme song from The Jeffersons, a show that Bindi has never seen because she is an Australian teenager. Marla Gibbs, who starred in the show, sat on the sidelines and managed not to roll her eyes at the entire spectacle. The judges thought it was a solid performance, if not their strongest routine. Derek, however, was impressed that Bindi could learn the entire routine in just two days. 32/40
Nick Carter and Sharna Burgess: The BackStreet Boy gets classy with a Viennese Waltz set to the theme from Downton Abbey, which apparently has both words and a name (“Did I Make the Most of Loving You?”) It was a very refined routine and Julianne, ever the fan girl, managed to only giggle a little when she said it was the best routine of the night and dubbed Nick a leading man. Alfonso continued to take his job as a guest judge very seriously, telling Nick, “Rehearsal is a marathon, not a sprint.” 36/40
Hayes Grier and Emma Slater: Resident tween Hayes was tasked with dancing a jive in on a half shell with his routine set to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. He tapped into his turtle power for a fun routine that should get some serious action on social media. Bruno tried to make a TMNT joke about Hayes transforming into a good performer, but it’s pretty clear Bruno has never seen the show. Carrie Ann didn’t like the mask, which generated a lot of boos from the audience. As Tom said, “Get the shell out of here.” 30/40
In Jeopardy: Based on last week’s votes and the judges scores, Andy and Allison and Paula and Louis are in jeopardy.
Who Goes Home: No one. Since Kim and Tony had to withdraw, no one else is leaving this week. That said, their scores will roll over to the next week.