How Dads Can Raise Strong Women

4 minute read
Ideas
Lemmon is the author of three New York Times best sellers, including The Dressmaker of Khair Khana. She is an adjunct senior fellow at the Council on Foreign Relations.

When it comes to raising fierce young women determined to test their own limits and dare big things, dads can make a difference.

“I always taught my daughters to do everything their brother could,” Bob White, father to 1st Lt. Ashley White told me one evening in his Ohio living room. Every summer from the time they were aged 11 or 12, White took Ashley and her two siblings, twin sister Brittany and older brother Josh, to work on the factory floor at his family-owned small business. His daughters worked the assembly line like everyone else—mostly men—around them. When people would ask him why they didn’t work in the office, away from the grime and the dirt of the factory floor, he would look at them quizzically. They were perfectly capable of working the line, as capable as their brother was, and he wanted them to know the demands, the rigors and the value of that kind of work, not protect them from it.

White was hardly the exception. I spent two years interviewing more than two dozen young women who volunteered in 2011 (when the combat ban for women was still in place) to be part of a U.S. Army Special Operations pilot program to put the fittest, finest and most capable women soldiers on the battlefield alongside tested special operations fighters. The hard-charging dad who encouraged his daughter to test every limit became part of nearly every story I heard from women who answered their country’s call to join the kinds of combat missions seen by less than 5% of the U.S. military.

These dads aren’t an anomaly: A report last year from the University of British Columbia noted that fathers with egalitarian ideas about gender “have daughters with higher workplace ambitions.”

Cassie Spaulding (name changed because at time of the book’s writing she was in a working role related to the special operations community) was a Florida native who joined the Army after being a ROTC cadet, women’s studies minor and a sorority sister while in college. Growing up, she watched the news and read the Wall Street Journal with her dad each evening. In our conversations, she would refer to him as her best friend and closest confidante. When she served her first deployment in Iraq, as a military police officer, he sent her care packages with crossword puzzles and books. And when she told him not too long after she returned home that she planned to try out to be part of this new, all-women special ops team, he encouraged her to try for it. After the physically and mentally grueling week-long selection process (known as “100 Hours of Hell”) had finished, Cassie’s dad was the first person she texted to tell him she had made it. He texted her right back to say he never had any doubt.

Kate Raimann and Tristan Marsden (names also changed), both West Point graduates, had a similar story. Both had military dads who instilled in them the importance of service. Kate’s dad shared his stories of being an Army pilot, and while he didn’t push his daughter to go to West Point, he was proud that she did. By the time Tristan was 5, her dad had taught her and her younger sister all the words to the U.S. Marines’ Hymn. When Tristan wrote a “just in case” letter to her family from Afghanistan to be read in the event she did not return home, she wrote to her dad:

You always had a way of making us believe we could do anything. Whether it was making the softball team or becoming astronauts or just squeezing by in that math modeling class, you never doubted that any of us were capable of anything we set our hearts to. I could never tell you how much that has meant.

All of these dads showed their daughters through their examples and their words that they had one standard for their children: to be their best and to do their best, wherever that took them. And to test all the barriers before them not to prove a point, but to fulfill their purpose. At a recent book signing a well-dressed man approached me to introduce himself. “I’m Cassie’s best friend,” he said, referring to the description of him in the book. “And I couldn’t be more proud.”

Watch the TED Talk on the first women to fight on the front lines of an American war.

Father's Day Special: LIFE With Famous Dads and Their Daughters

John Barrymore and daughter Diana, 1942.
John Barrymore and daughter Diana, 1942.Eliot Elisofon—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Alfred Hitchcock and daughter Patricia, 1942.
Alfred Hitchcock and daughter Patricia, 1942.Gjon Mili—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Orson Wells, Rita Hayworth and daughter Rebecca, 1945.
Orson Wells, Rita Hayworth and daughter Rebecca, 1945.Peter Stackpole—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Michael Redgrave and daughter Lynn, 1946.
Michael Redgrave and daughter Lynn, 1946.Ian Smith—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Gary Cooper and daughter Maria, 1949.
Gary Cooper and daughter Maria, 1949.Peter Stackpole—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jackie and Rachel Robinson with their infant daughter, Sharon, Los Angeles, 1950.
Jackie and Rachel Robinson with their infant daughter, Sharon, Los Angeles, 1950.J.R. Eyerman—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Pablo Picasso and daughter Paloma, 1951.
Pablo Picasso and daughter Paloma, 1951.Dmitri Kessel—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Harry Truman and daughter Margaret, 1952.
Harry Truman and daughter Margaret, 1952.George Skadding—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Desi Arnaz with daughter Lucie, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz Jr., 1953.
Desi Arnaz with daughter Lucie, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz Jr., 1953.Ed Clark—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Richard Burton and daughter Kate, 1957.
Richard Burton and daughter Kate, 1957.Gordon Parks—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
John F. Kennedy with daughter Caroline, 1958.
John F. Kennedy with daughter Caroline, 1958.Ed Clark—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Dean Martin with daughter Gina Caroline, 1958.
Dean Martin with daughter Gina Caroline, 1958.Allan Grant—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Tony Curtis with daughter Jamie Lee, 1959.Allan Grant—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
John Glenn with daughter Lyn, 1959.
John Glenn with daughter Lyn, 1959.Ralph Morse—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Henry Fonda with daughter Jane, 1960.
Henry Fonda with daughter Jane, 1960.Leonard McCombe—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Ann-Margret with her father Gustav Olsson, 1961.
Ann-Margret with her father Gustav Olsson, 1961.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Burt Lancaster with daughter Sighle (pronounced Sheila), 1961.
Burt Lancaster with daughter Sighle (pronounced Sheila), 1961.Allan Grant—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Al Hirschfeld with his daughter Nina, 1961.
Al Hirschfeld with his daughter Nina, 1961.Bob Gomel—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Astronaut Scott Carpenter with daughter Candy, 1962.
Astronaut Scott Carpenter with daughter Candy, 1962.Ralph Morse—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
John Mills with daughter Hayley, 1962.
John Mills with daughter Hayley, 1962.Ralph Crane—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Steve McQueen kisses his daughter Terry goodnight in 1963.
Steve McQueen kisses his daughter Terry goodnight in 1963. John Dominis—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Robert F. Kennedy with daughter Mary, 1963.
Robert F. Kennedy with daughter Mary, 1963.John Dominis—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Lyndon Johnson with daughters Lucy and Lynda, 1964.
Lyndon Johnson with daughters Lucy and Lynda, 1964.Stan Wayman—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Vikings quarterback Fran Tarkenton and daughter Hayley, 1965.
Vikings quarterback Fran Tarkenton and daughter Hayley, 1965.Stan Wayman—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Frank Sinatra and daughter Nancy (with Yul Brynner), 1965.
Frank Sinatra and daughter Nancy (with Yul Brynner), 1965.John Dominis—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Charlie Chaplin and daughters Josephine and Victoria, 1966.
Charlie Chaplin with daughters Josephine and Victoria, 1966.Alfred Eisenstaedt—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Charles M. Schulz and daughter Jill, 1967.
Charles M. Schulz and daughter Jill, 1967.Bill Ray—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Paul Newman with daughter Clea and wife Joanne Woodward, 1968.
Paul Newman with daughter Clea and wife Joanne Woodward, 1968.Mark Kauffman—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Robert Redford and daughter Shauna, 1969.
Robert Redford and daughter Shauna, 1969.John Dominis—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Dustin Hoffman with his daughter Karina, 1969.
Dustin Hoffman with his daughter Karina, 1969.John Dominis—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jack Nicholson and daughter Jennifer, 1969.
Jack Nicholson and daughter Jennifer, 1969.Arthur Schatz—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Donald Sutherland and daughter Rachel, 1970.
Donald Sutherland and daughter Rachel, 1970.Co Rentmeester—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Richard Nixon and daughter Patricia, 1971.
Richard Nixon and daughter Patricia, 1971.Walter Bennett—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Bill Clinton with daughter Chelsea and wife Hillary, 1993.
Bill Clinton with daughter Chelsea and wife Hillary, 1993.Alfred Eisenstaedt—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images

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