Dancing With the Stars Recap: Threesomes Mean Triple the Fun

Welcome back to Dancing With the Stars, where the finals are on the horizon and a double elimination is looming. This week the stars are run through a sequined gauntlet on their way to the semifinals. Up first is America’s Choice, which does not mean shopping for low-cost store-brand groceries, but instead letting America vote for dance style, song and costume through social media, with results that sound like a Clue solution: Tango in the living room set to Culture Club. Then, it’s the always delightful, if innuendo-filled threesomes … er, “trio dances,” where three dancers hit the ballroom floor together and pretend it’s not at all awkward.

Here’s what happened on Dancing With the Stars:

Part One: America’s Choice

Noah Galloway and Sharna Burgess: America wanted Noah to do the tango in his military uniform, because America doesn’t understand that Noah can’t wear a uniform for fun, but just for work. Instead he wore a white suit to tango to Sheppard’s “Geronimo,” and once again proved that he can dance, regardless of the mindboggling fact that he is dancing with one leg and one arm. Len, however, is bothered by the fact that he can’t judge Noah’s tango by studying his “flexed knees,” because Noah doesn’t have a knee. Sorry, Len, but you’re going to have to suck this one up. Even Bruno was like, come on, guys, he tangoed on one leg, give him a break! 31/40

Chris Soules and Witney Carson: America, the sick puppy that it is, wants to see Chris in a candlelit room even though he is happily engaged to the other Whitney. America didn’t specify that he should be shirtless, but it was heavily implied. While Chris kept half a shirt on, the routine itself was stripped down and cheesily emotional in the way that is seemingly required for contemporary routines (and Sam Smith songs). The judges were impressed, particularly Julianne who promised to write Most Improved in his yearbook. 34/40

Riker Lynch and Allison Holker: America wants Riker to emote all over the place in his Viennese Waltz set to a Rihanna song. Riker thinks it’s weird to be “vulnerable on purpose,” but was willing to risk public humiliation for a good score. At the end of the graceful routine, Carrie Ann rhetorically asked, “Are you ready for the semifinals? HELL YEAH.” Len, though, threw a tiny fist-shaking hissy fit because all those pesky dances are becoming contemporary and would it be too much to have more Viennese Waltz in the Viennese Waltz? 39/40

Robert Herjavec and Kym Johnson: America is determined to play matchmaker between Robert and Kym, so they are stuck with a package demanding a kiss (on the lips!), followed by a sultry bare-chested, bare-footed routine set to Jessie Ware’s “Champagne Kisses.” Bruno (rightly) called it a “deodorant commercial,” while Len sentimentally gushed, “You don’t need a wind machine, you have a big fan in me!” 33/40

Nastia Liukin and Derek Hough: Derek is still on the sidelines due to his injury, so America forces Nastia to dance a gladiator-themed paso doble with Sasha Farber while Derek played Caesar. The routine was appropriately soundtracked by Fall Out Boy’s “Centuries,” and it was drama-filled and fun to watch, if slightly reminiscent of Derek’s past paso dobles. Best part of the routine was when Nastia flipped Sasha over her head and onto his back. He wisely stayed on the floor until judging. Speaking of which, the best part of judging was when Julianne got very sisterly and just shook her head and said, “Derek looks ridiculous.” 36/40

Rumer Willis and Val Chmerkovskiy: Val is feeling a wee bit guilty after he almost broke Rumer during last week’s rehearsal, and then she almost got eliminated, so he is ready to get back to basics. Luckily, America just so happens to want to see a classic, refined rumba, and Rumer and Val delivered it. While all the judges were enthusiastic about the performance, Len was rendered practically speechless at finally having a traditional classic dance to judge. He couldn’t reach for the 10 paddle fast enough. 40/40

Part Two: Trios

Noah and Sharna and Emma: Sharna is very excited to have Emma and all her “extra limbs” around because it extends the possibilities of what they can do in their salsa. Julianne thought it was “hot, hot, hot” and was impressed with Noah’s ability to “handle” Sharna and Emma, but it was Bruno who stole the show when he got so enthusiastic that he fell out of his chair and off the stage. 32/40

Chris and Witney and Lindsey: While most of the dancers struggle with trying to juggle multiple women, Chris has lots of experience from his time on The Bachelor. Two women? Pshaw, try 12! Still Julianne thought Chris tapped into the intensity of the paso doble, but his “butt was going the wrong direction.” Carrie Ann couldn’t believe he got overwhelmed by two women after The Bachelor. 30/40

Riker and Allison and Brittany: Their jazz routine was textbook perfect, although textbooks may not use Fergie’s “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody” as the soundtrack. The judges couldn’t stop enthusing about the performance, particularly what Erin Andrews called “the straddle split moment,” that wowed everyone. 39/40 (Len gave a 9, causing Tom Bergeron to tell him, “Every party needs a pooper, that’s why we invited you.”)

Robert and Kym and Jenna: Robert got saddled with a supermodel-themed samba for his trio dance to “Cinema Italiano.” It was just corny enough to rise to the occasion. Carrie Ann thought he handled the women well, but forgot his own choreography. Len apologetically said it was a bit sloppy and Julianne added that it was messy, but he looked sharp. 28/40

Nastia and Derek and Sasha: For their threesome they did a split-screen jive to Vampire Weekend’s “Diane Young,” which undoubtedly horrified anyone who still thought that band was cool and/or indie. Derek, who is still recuperating, did a lot of seat dancing and movements that let him stay mostly still, but overall the routine was brilliant. The judges were floored by the choreography, the execution and Derek’s bangs. 40/40

Rumer and Val and Artem: The trio delivered a fierce, if traditional, paso doble with Artem and Val playing toreador vying for the pretty señorita’s hand. While some of us miss the flash and show and wacked out costumes that can elevate a Dancing With the Stars routine to the sublimely ludicrous, the judges really like the traditional, gimmick-free routines. In fact, the dance gave Bruno a hot flash. 40/40

Best Reason to Come Back Tomorrow: Double elimination!