So Duck Dynasty is becoming a musical. Others may scoff, but I say why not! There’s an illustrious history of mixing TV and music; South Park sang its way to the movie screen years ago; and if Jerry Springer can be the basis of an opera, who are we to say the Robinsons can’t pull it off?
Of course, if TV has taught us anything, it’s that success will breed imitators. So producers, let me humbly suggest your next season’s worth of screen-to-stage adaptations:
Homeland. Nothing against his performance as Saul Berenson, but you cast Mandy Patinkin in something and don’t have him sing? Now that’s a crime against the state.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Teresa Giudice brings down the house with Chicago‘s “Cell Block Tango.”
Marvel’s Agents of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. An action-packed, danger-filled thrill ride starring, to hold down costs and not interfere with the storylines of future movies, all of Spider-Man’s non-superpowered peripheral characters. When it comes down to it, wasn’t the story really always about J. Jonah Jameson?
Firefly. Creator Joss Whedon wrote a musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Why not continue the story of the Serenity crew in song? Or it could just be a non-musical play if he prefers. Or it could be on TV, really, whatever works for him. A movie? Web video? God, I just want Firefly back.
Girls. Flushed with gotta-sing-gotta-dance fever after starring in NBC’s Peter Pan Live, Alison Williams headlines Broadway’s favorite hipster musical since Rent! Book by Lena Dunham, score by Edie Brickell.
The Good Wife. Advantage: Already employs Alan Cumming, Stockard Channing, and half the New York City theater community. Plus: Book of Mormon-style subplot involving Grace and her church group. Minus: Will probably have to include that chicken song.
The Walking Dead. How much can it cost to get the rights to “Thriller”?
AfterMad: The Bert Cooper Musical. He may have shuffled off Mad Men to the tune of “The Best Things in Life Are Free,” but now Broadway vet Robert Morse brings Bert’s loveable Japanophilia and Ayn Randianism to the afterlife!
Game of Thrones. Not the dragon-filled, special-effect-laden spectacle you were expecting, but instead an interactive, intimate dinner-theater event along the lines of Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding. How interactive? Just wait ’til they lock the exits and start playing “The Rains of Castamere”!
Smash. Just kidding! Not Smash. Never, ever Smash.