December 18, 2014 10:00 AM EST

Somewhere in America, a bald eagle is crying.

Thursday, Dec. 18 marks the final episode of The Colbert Report before host Stephen Colbert breaks character and moves to CBS to take over the Late Show. It will be a sad, but undoubtedly epic episode.

“The biggest question of all remains, how will my final broadcast close?” Colbert said recently. “Will I wake up next to Suzanne Pleshette in a snow globe after Rachel gets off the plane to be with me while B.J. Hunnicutt spells out ‘Goodbye’ in the rocks until we cut to black in the middle of a Journey song? Or will I just get sued for copyright infringement?”

As much as we’d like to see a riff on a famous TV show finale, here’s what we really hope is in store for Colbert’s last show:

  1. Stephen Colbert unzips what appears to be a bodysuit and reveals that he was Bill O’Reilly this whole time.
  2. The finale is obviously sponsored by Wheat Thins.
  3. The episode won’t be complete without a musical interlude with Colbert and Alan Cumming
  4. And a very serious speech by Sam Waterston (in a very trustworthy manner)
  5. Colbert interviews David Letterman for his segment, “Fallback Position”
  6. Colbert announces his candidacy for governor of South Carolina
  7. He also announces his imminent hosting gig of the MTV VMAs
  8. The camera zooms out to reveal The Colbert Report on a television in the living room of the Stephen Colbert International Space Station.

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