Benedict Cumberbatch Knows Exactly How Sherlock Would Be in Bed

Do not challenge Sherlock Holmes on his lovemaking abilities.

An Elle UK interviewer unwisely suggested to Benedict Cumberbatch that his BBC character Sherlock Holmes would be bad in bed—after all, he is a bit of a sociopath. But Cumberbatch, the eye candy of a passionate group that call themselves the Cumberbitches, was having none of that. He insisted that Sherlock Holmes “knows bodies very well,” and then began to give a…ehem…vivid description of how Sherlock Holmes would please a woman.

It started out clinical: “Oooh… You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand,” he said, before describing how he would analyze his physical suitability for the task. “Proficient, but lacking enthusiasm,” countered the interviewer. Oh how wrong she was.

“Yeah, no wait for it,” Cumberbatch replied, before going into a quite exceptional level of detail unrepeatable in a family-friendly site like this one. Suffice to say, Cumberbatch believes his character’s proficiency at the violin would give him a certain manual dexterity in the sack. The act, he concludes, would be “explosive.”

So the Sherlock writers must write this into the show now, right? Prepare to be seriously disappointed.

“I’d quite like to watch that love scene now,” the interviewer said, with admirable understatement.

“You never will,” said Cumberbatch. “It’s not that kind of program, is it?”

What a tease. This is the closest we’ll ever get:

[Elle UK]

Write to Eliana Dockterman at eliana.dockterman@time.com.