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Some Advice for Prince Harry on His 30th Birthday

3 minute read

Dear Prince Harry on the Occasion of Your Thirtieth Birthday,

Hey Harry. Can I call you Harry? Great.

My friends call me Denver. You can call me Mr. Nicks. As your elder by roughly four months I have some wisdom to impart on this auspicious day.

30 is a big one. The major milestones of youth are behind you. Through your twenties you eked what life-force you could from the mere fact that at least you weren’t yet 30. Today you confront the cold hard truth that every birthday from here on people will be less and less interested in how old you are, save for the bored stone carver who one day does the math in his head while chiseling the year into your gravestone. Happy Birthday.

A few things to look out for….

There will come a day sometime soon when you look in the mirror and see wrinkles where once your face was as porcelain. You’re going to feel an unfamiliar and unsettling urge to buy an assortment of skin products, then helplessness and confusion when you realize you have no idea where to start. You’ll be desperate and start on a mad online shopping spree anyway.

Indulge it. Who’s to say if that stuff works and in any event you’ll make a bunch of nonsensical purchases, but when you wake up in the middle of the night and start tugging on the loose skin of your throat wondering where all the years went even a little placebo cream can be a big comfort. I mean, so I’m told.

As redheads, you and I don’t have to worry about our hair going grey (it’ll most likely turn blonde and then a shining Gandalfian white, so, high five) but we do have to worry about our fair skin. Sun screen can be a pain but it’s time to start wearing it.

If you haven’t yet, try to stop smoking. It won’t take, but trying and failing to quit at 30, the absolute zero hour at which you promised yourself up and down you would give it up, is a fun exercise in confronting your own moral limitations and the incontrovertible truth that the only thing that really changes is we get a little bit fatter every year. It’s like that moment when you haven’t had a good bath in days and you could sort of go either way and you just embrace the filth: gross and not good for you or those around you but weirdly comforting.

I read this sentence written about you in the UK’s Mirror newspaper. “But a friend of the Prince said: ‘I saw him cry one night at a club. He was surrounded by beautiful girls – and the only one he wanted was Chelsy.’” I’m going to assume that’s rubbish, but if there is any truth at all to it then it’s time to move on. Like dressing for shock value and hangovers that last just one day, crying about unrequited love is for twenty somethings.

Addendum: you are allowed to cry about sports and can use this time to clandestinely cry about unrequited love in an absolute pinch, but if you get busted, you’re on your own. Harry who? Never heard of him.

31 Photos of Prince Harry

Prince of Wales 60th Birthday
The Prince and Princess of Wales in 1984 following the birth of their second son, Prince Harry.PA/AP
Harry Crawls At Home
Prince Harry learning to crawl at home in Kensington Palace, London on Oct. 4, 1985.Tim Graham—Getty Images
Diana, Princess of Wales with her sons, Prince William and P
Diana, Princess of Wales with her sons, Prince William and Prince Harry, at the piano in Kensington Palace, London on Oct. 4, 1985.Tim Graham—Getty Images
Princess Diana
The Princess of Wales holds son Prince Harry while the royal family poses for photographers at the Royal Palace in Majorca, Spain on Aug. 9, 1987. John Redman—AP
England Prince Harry Nursery School
Prince Harry, 3, peers through a pair of binoculars made with two cardboard tubes on his way out from his first day at a kindergarten in London on Sept. 16, 1987. Martin Cleaver—AP
Harry Sticks Out Tongue
Prince Harry sticks his tongue out at the Trooping The Colour ceremony at Buckingham Palace on June 11, 1988.Tim Graham—Getty Images
Charles, William & Harry Photocall In Balmoral
The Prince of Wales and Princes William and Harry at Balmoral Castle in Scotland on Aug. 16, 1997.Julian Parker—Getty Images
Princess Diana funeral
The Earl Spencer, Prince William, Prince Harry and the Prince of Wales, wait as the hearse carrying the coffin of Diana, Princess of Wales, prepares to leave Westminster Abbey following her funeral on Sept. 6, 1997.PA/AP
Prince Harry at Eton
Prince Harry writes at his desk in his room at Eton College boarding school on June 7, 2003 in Berkshire, England.Corbis
Prince Harry Football
Prince Harry takes part in The Field Game on College Field at Eton in Berkshire, England on June 8, 2003.Tim Graham—Getty Images
PRINCE HARRY
Prince Harry chases after the ball during the Young England Team against the Young Australian Team polo match in Richmond, Australia on Nov. 23, 2003. Mark Baker—AP
Britain's Prince Harry teaches rugby as a voluntary coach for the RFU at a school in central England
Prince Harry teaches rugby to a group of 10 and 11-year-old pupils from Shelfield Primary School in Walsall in central England on Sept. 28, 2004. Toby Melville—Reuters/Corbis
Britain's Queen Elizaberth II smiles as Prince Harry pulls a face as they watch Prince Charles and the ...
Queen Elizaberth II smiles at Prince Harry as they watch Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall leave St. George's Chapel on April 8, 2005.Alastair Grant—Reuters
Britains Queen Elizabeth smiles with Prince Harry during Sovereigns Parade at Royal Military Academy in Sandhurst
Queen Elizabeth smiles with Prince Harry during the Sovereign's Parade at the Royal Military Academy in Sandhurst, southern England on April 12, 2006. Dylan Martinez—Reuters
News review of the Year -
Prince William and Prince Harry, right, parade in suits and bowler hats with the Combined Cavalry Old Comrades' Association, in Hyde Park, London on May 13, 2007.Stefan Rousseau—AP
Prince William, U.S. singer Kanye West, Prince Harry and U.S. singer P. Diddy
Britain's Prince William, singer Kanye West, Prince Harry and singer P. Diddy attend a reception after the concert in memory of Diana, Princess of Wales, at Wembley Stadium in London on July 1, 2007. Roger Allen—AP
Britain's Prince Harry sits in his Spartan armoured vehicle in the desert in Helmand province in Southern Afghanistan
Britain's Prince Harry sits in his Spartan armoured vehicle in the desert in Helmand province in Southern Afghanistan February 19, 2008. John Stillwell—Reuters
Britain's Prince William and Prince Harry stand with their motorcycles before the start of the Enduro Africa 08 charity motorcycle ride in Port Edward
Prince William and Prince Harry stand with their motorcycles before the start of the Enduro Africa 08 charity motorcycle ride in Port Edward, about 93 miles) southwest of Durban on Oct. 17, 2008.John Hrusa—Reuters/Corbis
Prince Harry sings the national anthem before the Six Nations rugby match between England and Italy at Twickenham in London
Britain's Prince Harry sings the national anthem before the Six Nations rugby match between England and Italy at Twickenham in London on Feb. 7, 2009. Eddie Keogh—Reuters/Corbis
Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy attend the friendly international rugby union match between England and Australia in London
Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy attend the friendly international rugby union match between England and Australia at Twickenham in London on Nov. 7, 2009.Eddie Keogh—Reuters/Corbis
Britain's Prince Harry holds Veyron, an eight week old puppy, during a visit to the charity Canine Partners Training Centre, in Midhurst in southern England
Britain's Prince Harry holds Veyron, an eight-week-old puppy, during a visit to the charity Canine Partners Training Centre, in Midhurst, England on July 13, 2010. Kirsty Wigglesworth—Reuters
Britain's Prince Harry tries wearing an immersion suit on the island of Spitsbergen, between the Norwegian mainland and the North Pole
Prince Harry tries wearing an immersion suit on the island of Spitsbergen, between the Norwegian mainland and the North Pole, on March 30, 2011. David Cheskin—Reuters
Britain's Prince Harry visits the Xunantunich Mayan temple near Benque Viejo
Britain's Prince Harry visits the Xunantunich Mayan temple near Benque Viejo March 3, 2012. Suzanne Plunkett—Reuters
Prince Harry Tours Jamaica To Mark Queen Elizabeth II's Diamond Jubilee
Prince Harry poses with Usain Bolt at the Usain Bolt Track at the University of the West Indies on March 6, 2012 in Kingston, Jamaica. Chris Jackson—Getty Images
Prince Harry Tours Jamaica To Mark Queen Elizabeth II's Diamond Jubilee
Prince Harry visits Up-Park Camp on March 7, 2012 in Kingston, Jamaica. Prince Harry was in Jamaica as part of a Diamond Jubilee Tour, representing Queen Elizabeth.Chris Jackson—Getty Images
Prince Harry Visits The United States - Day One
Prince Harry speaks with First Lady Michelle Obama during the first day of his visit to the United States on May 9, 2013 in Washington, D.C. John Stillwell—Getty Images
Britain's Prince Harry plays sitting volleyball with members of British Warrior Games team before opening of Warrior Games in Colorado Springs
Britain's Prince Harry plays sitting volleyball with members of the British Warrior Games team in a gymnasium, before the opening of the Warrior Games at the U.S. Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado on May 11, 2013.Rick Wilking—Reuters
Prince Harry visits Australia
Prince Harry salutes the ceremonial guards at Garden Island Naval Base for the International Fleet Review in Sydney on Oct. 5, 2013. Mick Tsikas—EPA/Corbis
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry view the Tower of London's Poppy Installation
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry view the Tower of London's "Blood Swept Lands and Seas of Red" Poppy Installation to commemorate the 100th Anniversary of the outbreak of the First World War at the Tower of London on Aug. 5, 2014. Splash News/Corbis
UK - "Invictus Games" Wheelchair Rugby in London
Prince Harry participates in a celebrity wheelchair rugby match on day 2 of the Invictus Games in London on Sept. 12, 2014.Zak Hussein—Corbis
Prince Harry Visits The National Memorial Arboretum
Prince Harry attends the unveiling of the Bastion Memorial at The National Memorial Arboretum on June 11, 2015 in Stafford, England. Chris Jackson—Getty Images

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