You weren’t going to buy an Apple Watch: you were just curious. You were perfectly happy with your iPhone, iPad, iMac, and Macbook Pro, thank you very much. And then, somewhere between “space black stainless steel” and “milanese loop,” everything changed.
So you’re going to buy the new Apple Watch, even if it means missing your best friend’s sister’s wedding and eating only canned tuna for four months. Don’t worry; no one will judge you for making an adult financial decision.
They will, however, judge you for the design you choose, so study up. We’ve reviewed all the options: six metals, six bands and 11 face designs. Here are 13 potential design combinations…and what each will say about you.
A quick look at the Apple Watch and its competitors. Battery life is rumored at one day.
1. The Bare-Bones Basic
Metal: Stainless Steel
Band: Link Bracelet
Face: Utility
What it says: I have no idea what I want out of life.
2. The Hipster
Metal: Silver Aluminum (recyclable)
Band: Classic buckle (bringing it back)
Face: Solar (all-natural)
What it says: I’m anti-establishment, but I just spent $349 on a watch from a multi-billion-dollar company.
3. The Extra-Terrestrial
Metal: Space Black Stainless Steel
Band: Jet Black Sport Band
Face: Astronomy
What it says: I can name every Star Trek character in under 20 seconds.
4. The Waste of Money
Metal: 18-karat rose gold
Band: Mahogany modern buckle
Face: Solar
What it says: I live paycheck to paycheck, but at least I look rich.
5. The James Bond
Metal: Space Black Stainless Steel
Brand: Link Bracelet
Face: Simple
What it says: I watched Skyfall six times in theaters.
6. The Normal Watch
Metal: Stainless Steel
Band: Classic Buckle
Face: Simple
What it says: I just paid 10 times the money for a timepiece that looks like a $35 grocery store Timex.
7. The Mickey Mouse
Metal: Silver Aluminum
Band: Bright Yellow/Green Sport Band
Face: Mickey Mouse
What it says: I’m eight years old.
8. The Risk-Taker
Metal: Space Black Stainless Steel
Band: Milanese Loop
Face: Modular
What it says: Every time I eat out, I order the weirdest, most unpronounceable menu item. I shop for products the same way.
9. The Failed Interior Designer
Metal: 18-Karat Yellow Gold
Band: Blue Leather Loop
Face: Color (orange)
What it says: Don’t hire me.
10. The Apple Fanboy/Fangirl
Metal: Silver Aluminum
Band: White Modern Buckle
Face: Photo (of Steve Jobs)
What it says: I have three more of these watches at home.
11. The Non-Watch Wearer
Metal: Stainless Steel
Band: None (took it off and threw it away; face stored in pocket)
Face: Utility
What it says: I should have just bought an iPod Nano.
12. The Well-Intentioned Couch Potato
Metal: Space Gray Aluminum
Band: Bright Blue Sport Band
Face: Chronograph
What it says: I bought this watch, worked out twice, and now I just send animated emojis to my friends.
13. The Fitness Guru
Metal: none
Band: none
Face: none
(AKA: just wear the same old Casio stopwatch)
What it says: I’m actually in shape and don’t need an Apple Watch to pretend I’m fit.
This article was written for TIME by Ben Taylor of FindTheBest.
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