RECAP: Bachelor in Paradise: Twosomes, Threesomes and a Trip to the Hospital

Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise. Last night, the Rose Ceremony was interrupted when Graham had to take a moment midceremony, because all the drama was getting to him and his sensitive disposition. Read the full recap here, but the TL;DR version is that Michelle clued Graham in to the details of AshLee’s behavior, and Graham couldn’t simultaneously process the fact that his lady seems to be one bunny short of being a bunny boiler and accept AshLee’s proffered rose. He ran from the room and Michelle chased after him before the show cut to black.

Here’s what happened on Bachelor in Paradise:

Rose Ceremony Continued: Graham is having a massive panic attack at the thought of spending eternity with AshLee. Michelle chases him down, gets him a glass of water and finds a medic to check him out. AshLee, who is ostensibly Graham’s chosen partner, just stood there holding her rose and smoothing her hair until Graham was done sweating and breathing heavily and was ready to accept his rose/fate. He pulls himself together, swallows his pride and doubts, and accepts the rose, because he doesn’t want to go home.

New Drama: The second he takes the rose, Lacy feels sick to her stomach. She runs off set to puke and can’t stop throwing up at the thought of anyone spending a lifetime with AshLee, so an ambulance takes her to the hospital. Marcus rides along in the ambulance with the rose still pinned to his shirt and then lies in bed with her while she gets an IV for dehydration. Jeez, girl, it’s not like you’re dating AshLee.

Rose Ceremony Continued (Again): As Lacy recuperates in the hospital, the producers callously finish the rose ceremony without her. Michelle gives the rose to Cody. Sarah gives hers to Robert. Kalon can’t wait to go to the hotel and order room service. Finally, it’s down to Jacki, who has to choose between Marquel and Jesse. She chooses Jesse for some reason, meaning Marquel has to go home and drown his sorrows in a plate of black-and-white cookies and Marcel Marceau films.

New Blood: The next morning, Juan Pablo cast-off Christy arrives in “paradise” with a date card in hand and no idea whom to ask out. Sarah, who knows her from The Bachelor, pulls her aside and breaks the news that everyone is already taken. Christy shrugs and goes to ask Zack out. He tells her no, because he and Clare have a thing. Plus, Clare is a little scary.

Christy and Jesse: After getting negged by Zack, Christy invites Jesse out and he says yes. For their romantic date, the new couple wander the streets of a colonial town, eat some Mexican chocolate (not a euphemism), chug some tequila and drink beer in the streets. Christy asks him if he feels obligated to Jackie since she gave him a rose yesterday, but he doesn’t. Christy’s d-bag detector is defective, so when she tells Jesse a story about finding another woman’s bra in her ex’s bed and Jesse laughs, because he’s totally been there, she doesn’t think much of it. Instead she gets drunk and makes out with him.

Sarah and Robert: Sarah gets a date card and invites Robert out for the evening. While Sarah and Robert have been canoodling for a few dates now, they haven’t actually kissed. Sarah is terrified that Robert won’t make a move on her, even in the most romantic setting. So she sits on his lap in the swimming pool. That worked.

Cody and Michelle: Cody is not good at playing it cool, so he flat out tells Michelle that he’s “100% into her” and that it’s her or no one. She smiles and nods, because it’s all happening so fast and even she doesn’t know how she ended up kissing a man wearing a tiny tank top and Tintin’s hair.

Zack and Clare: Zack finally confesses to Clare that he usually takes relationships much slower, which sounds innocuous and honest, but she takes extremely personally. She excuses herself from the conversation and runs into the jungle to talk to her spirit animal — the mangy raccoon she talked to last time she was freaking out. While the camera doesn’t capture her meltdown, the microphone does and it’s a bit painful to hear her sobbing in the jungle about how it’s all too much for her. As Clare packs her bags to leave, the camera cuts to a night-vision shot of Zack sleeping in his bunk. The wacky music starts up as she pulls Zack out of bed and tells him that she’s going. He’s dazed and confused, but says good-bye. Seriously, though, they were together for five days and Clare’s had at least three freakouts. That would be a long life together.

New Addition: Lucy, the bona fide free spirit that flitted about Juan Pablo’s season, arrives in paradise and immediately takes off all her clothes. As you do when you’re a free spirit.

Lucy and Jesse: Lucy invites Jesse out, even though Christy just made out with him and she is supposedly her “best friend” on the show, if not in real life. Jesse doesn’t mind, because Lucy is beautiful and prone to taking all her clothes off, which are the main things he looks for in a woman. They tour some ruins, order beers in Spanish and make out all over the place, but pretend they didn’t.

Michelle and Cody: Michelle gets a date card and invites Cody for a night out on the town. Their date is straight out of The Bachelor playbook — a trip to a hotel for an engagement photo shoot. As Cody whispers sweet nothings about spending an eternity with her, Michelle starts freaking out. That’s when the sadistic producers spring a wedding dress on her, you know, just to try on for the photo shoot for funsies. She almost has a panic attack, but then pulls herself together and plots her revenge on the evil producers — she dives into the ocean in the wedding dress and shout, “This isn’t real!” to every stranger who passes by.

AshLee and Graham: AshLee finally gets a date card and she invites Graham, who claims that “things are going really well” with her even though he just had a panic attack at the thought of staying with her. They head out for a traditional Mexican date — a trip to a track to race Ferraris. AshLee won’t go over 40 miles an hour, which leads Graham to proudly pronounce, “AshLee proved to me tonight that she is ready for a minivan.”

Best Tantrum: Christy pouts that there is so much alcohol in the house and no one will drink it and it makes her mad.

Jesse and Christy and Lucy: After Jesse gets back from his date with Lucy, he feeds Christy some line about not hooking up with Lucy and Christy believes it (see line above about her broken d-bag detector). They drunkenly make out under the watchful eye of the night-vision camera and then they are joined by a certain free spirit. Lucy does know this is all televised, right?

Cocktail Party: Lacy and Marcus, Sarah and Robert, Graham and AshLee, and Michelle and Cody are already coupled up, leaving Zack and Jesse to hand out roses. At the cocktail party, Jackie wisely hones in on Zack, leaving Lucy and Christy to battle it out for the “prize” that is Jesse.

Rose Ceremony: The male half of the couples all hand roses to their respective counterparts. Marcus uses the quotidian ritual of a rose ceremony to tell Lacy how much he loves her. Then they make out while everyone awkwardly watches and Chris Harrison tactfully averts his eyes. Zack gives his rose to Jackie, because she is the least crazy option available. It comes down to Jesse and after an appropriately tense time span, he hands the rose to Christy. Lucy heads home with a chip on her shoulder and dire predictions for the longevity of Christy’s and Jesse’s “relationship.”

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Maybe the raccoon will replace Chris Harrison as the show’s host?

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