In the past I’ve covered the research regarding what you should look for in a marriage partner.
What do studies say about what you can do to improve your relationship?
Excitement
Divorce may have less to do with an increase in conflict and more to do with a decrease in positive feelings. Boredom really can hurt a relationship:
Being bored with the marriage undermines closeness, which in turn reduces satisfaction, Orbuch said.
“It suggests that excitement in relationships facilitates or makes salient closeness, which in turn promotes satisfaction in the long term,” she said.
We spend a lot of time trying to reduce conflict but not enough time experiencing thrills. And the latter may be more important.
Via Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being:
Shelly Gable, professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, has demonstrated that how you celebrate is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight.
The research points again and again to how important thrills are:
So do something exciting. Go dancing together or anything else you can both participate in as a couple.
Let Yourself Be A Little Deluded With Love
Being a little deluded helps marriages:
…people who were unrealistically idealistic about their partners when they got married were more satisfied with their marriage three years later than less idealistic people.
And it’s not just true for marriages:
…relationship illusions predicted greater satisfaction, love, and trust, and less conflict and ambivalence in both dating and marital relationships. A longitudinal follow-up of the dating sample revealed that relationships were more likely to persist the stronger individuals’ initial illusions.
5 to 1
Keep that ratio in mind. You need five good things for every bad thing in order to keep a happy relationship:
A 2.9: 1 means you are headed for a divorce. You need a 5: 1 ratio to predict a strong and loving marriage— five positive statements for every critical statement you make of your spouse.
And when you’re dealing with your mother-in-law the ratio is 1000 to 1. I’m not kidding.
Be Conscientious
Conscientiousness is the trait most associated with marital satisfaction:
…our findings suggest that conscientiousness is the trait most broadly associated with marital satisfaction in this sample of long-wed couples.
Actually, you can kill a lot of birds with this one stone because it’s also associated with longevity, income, job satisfaction and health.
Gratitude
Gratitude can be a booster shot for a relationship:
…gratitude had uniquely predictive power in relationship promotion, perhaps acting as a booster shot for the relationship.
It can even create a self-perpetuating positive feedback loop:
Thus, the authors’ findings add credence to their model, in that gratitude contributes to a reciprocal process of relationship maintenance, whereby each partner’s maintenance behaviors, perceptions of responsiveness, and feelings of gratitude feed back on and influence the other’s behaviors, perceptions, and feelings.
Try
Sounds silly but it’s true. Want a better relationship? Try.
Sounds ridiculous but:
Join 45K+ readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.
Related posts:
The Science Of “Happily Ever After”: 3 Things That Keep Love Alive
What are the four things that kill relationships?
What are the 5 things that make love last?
This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.
More Must-Reads from TIME
- Caitlin Clark Is TIME's 2024 Athlete of the Year
- Where Trump 2.0 Will Differ From 1.0
- Is Intermittent Fasting Good or Bad for You?
- The 100 Must-Read Books of 2024
- Column: If Optimism Feels Ridiculous Now, Try Hope
- The Future of Climate Action Is Trade Policy
- FX’s Say Nothing Is the Must-Watch Political Thriller of 2024
- Merle Bombardieri Is Helping People Make the Baby Decision
Contact us at letters@time.com