--- title: First Date Conversation: 5 Things Research Says You Should Talk About description: First date conversation can be awkward. What do you talk about? How can you come across well? Science has answers. 1) Talk Travel, Not... canonical: https://time.com/3087739/first-date-conversation-5-things-research-says-you-should-talk-about/ author: Eric Barker article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2014-08-07T04:01:36.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-10-01T08:58:01.374Z article:section: Ideas og:title: First Date Conversation: 5 Things Research Says You Should Talk About og:description: Talk Travel, Not Movies og:url: https://time.com/3087739/first-date-conversation-5-things-research-says-you-should-talk-about/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltb48aaa984ade5ab5/69869ea7169ab0085b27aa32/first-date.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 5361 og:image:height: 3016 og:image:alt: Couple at the restaurant og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: First Date Conversation: 5 Things Research Says You Should Talk About twitter:description: Talk Travel, Not Movies twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltb48aaa984ade5ab5/69869ea7169ab0085b27aa32/first-date.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # First Date Conversation: 5 Things Research Says You Should Talk About > Sponsored content. 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Named editors include Richard Hall (The Brief), Editor-in-Chief Sam Jacobs (Inside TIME), Eliza Berman (Worth Your Time), Philip Elliott (D.C. Brief), Justin Worland (Future Proof) and Harry Booth (In the Loop). Health Matters is written by TIME's health desk. #### How do I sign up for a TIME newsletter? Go to time.com/newsletters, choose the newsletters you want and enter your email address. There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=dd7d3692-0257-4cbe-82d5-3da63b25c62b&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1) ## Video: A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now [Watch (HLS stream): A 100-Year-Old Sex Therapist on Having Good Sex, Then and Now](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/uJFYIrvP.m3u8) (3:13)  _Published 2014-08-20. A practicing sex therapist in New York City, Dr. Shirley Zussman has witnessed everything from the legalization of the contraceptive birth control pill to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s to the rise of internet porn in the new millenium._ by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 7, 2014 4:01 AM UTC You shouldn't shy away from talking about money just because you've only been going out for six months. by [Eric Barker](https://time.com/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Aug 7, 2014 4:01 AM UTC First date conversation can be awkward. What do you talk about? How can you come across well? Science has answers. ## 1) Talk Travel, Not Movies In a [study by Richard Wiseman](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/06/what-should-you-talk-about-on-a-first-date-wh/), less than 9% of couples that talked movies wanted a second date vs 18% of couples that talked about travel. Via [Quirkology: How We Discover the Big Truths in Small Things](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0465010237/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399349&creativeASIN=0465010237). **When talking about movies, less than 9 percent of the pairs wanted to meet up again, compared to 18 percent when participants spoke about the top topic—travel…** **the conversations about travel tended to revolve around great holidays and dream destinations, and that makes people feel good and so appear more attractive to one another.** ## 2) It’s Not Just What You Talk About, It’s How You Talk **Add to what they say and bounce the ball back.** This is how to have smooth first date conversation. Avoid extremes in autonomy. Don’t dominate, but don’t be a non-contributor either. Via [Brain Trust: 93 Top Scientists Reveal Lab-Tested Secrets to Surfing, Dating, Dieting, Gambling, Growing Man-Eating Plants, and More!](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307886131/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0307886131): The trick, according to Finkel, Eastwick, and Saigal, is to avoid extremes in autonomy. **Accept your date’s pass, redirect it slightly, and then return the ball— all with warmth and genuine interest in his or her responses.** **This acceptance and redirection is the push and pull that creates smoothness.** ## **3) Share Secrets** **Emotional, personal information exchange during first date conversation promotes powerful feelings of connection.** Via Sam Gosling’s book, [Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0465013821/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399369&creativeASIN=0465013821): Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, is interested in how people form romantic relationships, and he’s come up with an ingenious way of taking men and women who have never met before and making them feel close to one another. **Given that he has just an hour or so to create the intimacy levels that typically take weeks, months, or years to form, he accelerated the getting-to-know-you process through a set of thirty-six questions crafted to take the participants rapidly from level one in McAdams’s system to level two.** But how effective can this be, really? **In under an hour it can create a connection stronger than a lifelong friendship.** Via [Click: The Magic of Instant Connections](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385529066/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0385529066&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20): What he found was striking. The intensity of the dialogue partners’ bond at the end of the forty-five-minute vulnerability interaction was rated as closer than the closest relationship in the lives of 30 percent of similar students. **In other words, the instant connections were more powerful than many long-term, even lifelong relationships.** Read Aron’s most effective questions [here](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti). ## 4) Choose Controversial Over Dull Every Time **If all else fails, talk about abortions and STD’s.** Yeah, you heard me. Forcing people to discuss interesting but more controversial topics made for more enjoyable first date conversation. Via [Dan Ariely](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/02/does-discussing-abortions-and-stds-make-for-a/): **We limited the type of discussions that online daters could engage in by eliminating their ability to ask anything that they wanted and giving them a preset list of questions and allowing them to ask only these questions.** The questions we chose had nothing to do with the weather and how many brothers and sisters they have, and instead all the questions were interesting and personally revealing (ie., **“how many romantic partners did you have?”, “When was your last breakup?”, “Do you have any STDs?”, “Have you ever broken someone’s heart?”, “How do you feel about abortion?”**)… Instead of talking about the World Cup or their favorite desserts, they shared their innermost fears or told the story of losing their virginity. **Everyone, both sender and replier, was happier with the interaction…**What we learned from this little experiment is that **when people are free to choose what type of discussions they want to have, they often gravitate toward an equilibrium that is easy to maintain but one that no one really enjoys or benefits from.** ### Photographing a Kiss: Long Time Love Affairs  Joseph and Dorothy Bolotin Sharon, Pennsylvania Married on June 16, 1938\. Dorothy, "I never think of it in terms of years. I think of it in terms of good years. In love, hot romance doesn’t last forever. So I would say that yes, I think love changes. I would say we’re still in love. It’s focusing, doing little things. He’s an amazing man." Lauren Fleishman  John and Sherma Campbell Star Valley, Wyoming Married on May 13, 1955\. Sherma, "When you start out, you think you love each other as much as you possibly can,but love grows—just like your inner self grows as time goes by and you have experiences.And now at this stage of the game, I love him even more. I can’t even imagine life without him." Lauren Fleishman  Jin Lin and Lai Mei Chen Brooklyn, New York Married on February 4, 1961\. Jin Lin, "We had so many things in common it was like our hearts were the same." Lauren Fleishman  de'Spagnolis Aldo de’Spagnolis and Maria Filiozzi Itri, Italy Married on October 23, 1949\. Aldo, "When I first saw her, she was 14 and I was 22.Was there a concern that she was too young for me? No! Even now I look like a young child! Yes, even now I’m still young." Lauren Fleishman  Jake and Mary Jacobs Solihull, England Married on April 27, 1948\. Mary,"Jake said to me,'Would it ever be possible for me to marry you?' And I said,'Possible but not probable!' And that’s how it was. It wasn’t likely that I would ever marry him, and he knew that. So when he went home to Trinidad, my mother and father breathed a sigh of relief. But he used to write, and he said, 'I’m thinking I might come back to England.'" Lauren Fleishman  Kissin Yevgeniy and Lyubov Kissin Brooklyn, New York Married on June 29, 1941\. Yevgeniy, "We met at a dancing party. It was in January 1938\. My friend invited me to the party, he said there would be a lot of beautiful young girls. Another cadet with high boots had approached her, but she didn’t like high boots and so she said no to him. I was the second one to approach her. I had a different uniform, but I’m still not sure if it was my uniform or my face that attracted her to me." Lauren Fleishman  Itig and Golda Pollac Brooklyn, New York Married on August 13, 1946\. Golda, "I would say love came little by little. Not right away.We were young.And he was older, but I liked him. He spoke to me in a very nice way." Lauren Fleishman  Yaakov and Mariya Shapirshetyn Brooklyn, New York Married on July 6, 1949\. Yaakov, "What is the secret to love? A secret is a secret, and I don’t reveal my secrets." Lauren Fleishman  Gino and Angie Terranova Staten Island. New York Married on September 27, 1947\. Angie, "You really don’t think about getting older. First of all, you’re aging together, and when you see a person constantly,you don’t notice big changes. Like you don’t notice, oh you’re getting a little wrinkle here and tomorrow you say it’s a little deeper. No, those are things that just happen." Lauren Fleishman ## 5) Looking To Get Lucky? Dating site OkCupid found one question that was the single best predictor of whether men or women would have sex on the first date: **_“Do you like the taste of beer?”_** Via [OkCupid](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/12/what-can-predict-who-will-have-sex-on-the-fir/): **Among all our casual topics, whether someone likes the taste of beer is the single best predictor of if he or she has sex on the first date… No matter their gender or orientation, beer-lovers are 60% more likely to be okay with sleeping with someone they’ve just met. Sadly, this is the only question with a meaningful correlation for women.** ## A spontaneous conversation about sexual assault on social media led to more encouragement than public shaming. **Join 45K+ readers.** Get a free weekly update via email [here](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD) Related posts: [How To Be A Good Kisser – 10 Tips From Scientific Research](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/08/how-to-be-a-good-kisser/) [How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/make-someone-fall-in-love-with-you/) [Science Of Sex: 4 Harsh Truths About Dating And Mating](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/08/science-of-sex/) [5 Secrets That Will Help You Master Conversation Skills](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/07/conversation-skills/) _This piece originally appeared on_ [_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/)_._ _Read next:_ [_Here’s How to Strike Up a Conversation With Almost Anyone_](http://time.com/3751512/start-conversation-with-anyone/?iid=time%5Freadnext) ### See the Most Memorable On-Screen Couples  Peter and Ellie - It Happened One Night, 1934 Columbia Pictures/Getty Images  Scarlett and Rhett - Gone With The Wind, 1939 Silver Screen Collection/Archive Photos/Getty Images  Walter Burns and Hildy Johnson - His Girl Friday, 1940 Columbia Pictures/Getty Images  Rich Blaine and Isla Lund - Casablanca, 1942 Popperfoto/Getty Images  Ricky and Lucy - I Love Lucy, 1951 Archive Photos/Getty Images  Don Lockwood and Kathy Seldon- Singin' in the Rain, 1952 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/Getty Images  Tony and Maria - West Side Story, 1961 United Artists/Getty Images  Holly Golightly and Paul - Breakfast at Tiffany's, 1961 Movie Poster Image Art/Getty Images  Bonnie and Clyde - Bonnie and Clyde, 1967 Fotos International/Getty Images  Katie and Hubbell - The Way We Were, 1973 Columbia/Getty Images  Danny Zuko and Sandy Olsen - Grease, 1978 Paramount Pictures/Fotos International/Getty Images  Han Solo and Leia Organa - The Empire Strikes Back, 1980 Lucasfilm  Sam and Diane - Cheers, 1982 NBC/Getty Images  Frances 'Baby' Houseman and Johnny Castle - Dirty Dancing, 1987 Vestron/Getty Images  Wesley and Princess Buttercup - The Princess Bride, 1987 20th Century Fox  Harry Burns and Sally Albright - When Harry Met Sally, 1989 Hulton Archive/Getty Images  Vivian and Edward - Pretty Woman, 1990 Buena Vista/Getty Images  Beauty and the Beast - Beauty and the Beast, 1991 Disney  Cory and Topanga - Boy Meets World, 1993 SGranitz—WireImage/Getty Images  Jenny Curran and Forrest Gump - Forrest Gump, 1994 Paramount Pictures  Ross and Rachel - Friends, 1994 NBC/Getty Images  Doug and Carol - E.R., 1994 NBC/Getty Images  Jack and Rose - Titanic, 1997 20th Century Fox/Getty Images  Buffy and Angel - Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1997 Getty Images  Carrie and Big - Sex and the City, 1998 HBO/Getty Images  Patrick Verona and Kat Stratford - 10 Things I Hate About You, 1999 Buena Vista/Getty Images  Noah and Allie - The Notebook, 2004 New Line Cinema  Jack and Ennis - Brokeback Mountain, 2005 Focus Films  Tom and Summer - (500) Days of Summer, 2009 Fox Searchlight  Carl and Ellie - Up, 2009 Pixar/Disney [_Listen to the most important stories of the day._](http://time.com/newsletter/the-brief/?sl%5Fautoplay=true&xid=spl-fullbrief-article) ## Transcript [00:00] Sexual pleasure is only one part of what men and [00:03] women want from each other. They want intimacy, they [00:07] want closeness, they want understanding, they want [00:10] comfort, they want fun, and they want somebody who [00:14] really cares about them beyond going to bed with [00:16] them, and I think people are always seeking that. In [00:20] every generation. [ MUSIC ] [00:23] My name is Shirley Zussman. I just reached a hundred [00:27] years of age, and I am a practicing [00:32] sex therapist. I was invited with my husband [00:36] to a lecture in New Jersey, in 1966. Masters [00:41] and Johnson were the speakers. No body knew about [00:43] them. Human sexual response had just been [00:46] published, what I saw was a couple [00:51] who will say that people had problems in an area [00:55] in their lives that was very important and they were [00:58] recognizing that it was all not just. Glamorous and [01:01] wonderful to be sexual. One had to almost had to [01:05] learn how to be a good partner and to endure the [01:08] pleasure not only for yourself but for each other. And I [01:11] thought we can do that. Why can't we do that? And we [01:15] applied for training with Masters and Johnson at that [01:17] time. The patients that came to us were people who [01:21] read the paper. The only way they do anything about [01:25] the work that was being done there. And the problems [01:28] they came with, was somewhat different than the [01:30] problems they come with today. Mostly, women came [01:33] because would put out orgasmic, they didn't know how [01:36] to achieve an orgasm, but they wanted one. It [01:40] was so over that ,. Goal they had for themselves and [01:43] how do I get there. That was one Masters and [01:47] Johnson's contribution that there was a relatively [01:51] simple way to start learning about your body. In [01:55] other words, get, get to know your, who you are [01:58] sexually and physically and that was. And [02:03] encouragement for masturbation for learning what [02:06] makes you feel good. I [02:12] see a big change in the we view casual sex. [02:17] In the 60's I think it was not just casual it was frantic. [02:21] I'm shocked at the lack of connection with people; [02:25] because of iPhones, even I love my iPhone. There [02:30] is so much less actual physical connection, there's [02:34] less touching, there's less talking, there's less holding, [02:38] there's less looking, [ INAUDIBLE ]. People get pleasure [02:41] from looking at each other. But the most common [02:43] problem, I would say, in the sex therapy [02:49] that I live in, is a lack of desire. You have to look [02:53] at your priorities. You have to decide what is important [02:57] to make you feel good about yourself and your life. [02:59] And to help make your partner feel good and to [03:03] establish something that is gratifying that really fills [03:07] a need that we all have to be close to somebody. ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3087739/first-date-conversation-5-things-research-says-you-should-talk-about/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3087739/first-date-conversation-5-things-research-says-you-should-talk-about/"},"headline":"First Date Conversation: 5 Things Research Says You Should Talk About","datePublished":"2014-08-07T04:01:36.000Z","dateModified":"2026-10-01T08:58:01.374Z","description":"First date conversation can be awkward. What do you talk about? How can you come across well? 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