Welcome back to The Bachelorette, after Andi’s journey to love was put on a brief hiatus last week and we were treated to an interview with Hillary Rodham Clinton instead of the mating ritual between a pack of oiled-up man meat and one lucky lady. This week the remaining chumpy contestants get shipped out to Marseilles, France, to be temporary expatriates and annoy the French population while trying to woo Andi in the land of l’amour. Andi says France is the perfect place to fall in love, which is the exact same thing she said about Connecticut, so don’t let it go to your head, France.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:
The Talk: Because they are in France, Chris Harrison wears a turtleneck for his check-in with Andi. Chris asks her, “Are you falling in love?” Her response is bleeped, but not due to spoilers, but because love makes her curse like a drunk-in-love sailor. Chris asks the mandatory follow-up question, “Is it with just one guy?” She laughs, hahahaha, because why fall in love with one spray-tanned sausage link when you can fall in love with the whole kielbasa?
Worst Cross-Promotion/Best Hair: Andi and ex-Bachelorettes Catherine and Desiree earn some extra cash for their backup-plan safety nets by loitering around the set of a Suave ad together while Andi gets Rose Ceremony hair ideas. On cue, Andi coos, “Maybe the next time I see you, I’ll be engaged!” And then the full-grown women squeal and show off their Neil Lane diamond rings like they are in a Mad Men–era focus group.
First Date: Former professional baseball player, current pleated-khaki wearer Josh gets the first-date card of the evening. Andi takes him out for some light yachting and one can only hope someone gets Talented Mr. Ripley-ed. Their attraction is evident in all the PG-rated groping and slightly off-camera canoodling, yet Andi is concerned because Josh is too much like every other guy she’s dated in the past. She gets over it pretty quickly when they eat dinner in an actual castle, and no one makes a fairytale reference. She hands him the date rose and as yet another band performs an awkward concert for two, Josh announces that he is “well on the path to falling in love with Andi.”
Group Date: On their en masse date, JJ, Chris, Cody, Marquel, Dylan (who?), Eric, Nick, Andrew and Marcus are instructed in the fine art of mime. Why? Let a Bachelorette Love Metaphor explain: because communication, including nonverbal communication, is the key to a relationship. While Andrew is concerned that he doesn’t have previous miming experience (unlike the rest of the men, apparently) he manages to hone his craft. Once they are suitably in touch with their inner Marcel Marceaus, they are sent to mime up a storm in a public square, frightening the locals, making babies cry and trying to make Andi notice their mad mime skillz.
The After Party: While JJ takes Andi for a ride on a ferris wheel, small-shirt enthusiast Cody accuses Nick of the ultimate offense: thinking he’s a front-runner. When Andi returns she finds her menfolk in an uproar. She pulls Farmer Chris aside for the details and, bless him, he can’t lie worth a lick and immediately confesses to all the tension. Instead of downing cocktails and engaging in egregious flirting, Andi plays house therapist, inviting the men onto her couch to vent instead of canoodle. When it’s Nick’s turn, he bottles up until she asks him, “If I was your wife, would you tell me?” He starts babbling. Then he reads her a mash note he wrote and they start making out. If we learned anything from Desiree’s season it’s that women are suckers for poetry. JJ earns the group-date rose for his magical miming and carnival ride.
The Drama: JJ, the insistently still-titled pantspreneur, tells Marquel, a.k.a. the sole remaining black man in the house, that during the first Rose Ceremony, Andrew the skeevy social-media manager sucked his teeth and noted that Andi gave roses “to the blackies” after she gave Marquel and Ron roses. Obviously that is horrifyingly offensive and Marquel takes it very personally, as he should. He mulls his options and apologizes as he tears up on camera over this disgusting display of racism. Not one to hold things in, he coolly confronts Andrew at the group-date cocktail party about what he heard. Andrew immediately and vehemently denies ever saying it. Despite Andrew’s protestations of innocence, Marquel gets his speech out. Andrew calls BS on the whole thing and swears that he said nothing like that. Marquel doesn’t know whether Andrew is telling the truth or not, but he said what he needed to say and found his peace. Whether he was telling the truth or covering a lie, Andrew isn’t pleased about getting called out, and tells Andi that the drama is interfering with his ability to fall in love. Anyone feel bad for him? Anyone?
Second Date: For his one-on-one date, Coach Brian is invited to cook up some love with Andi (good thing he’s not allergic!). But before they can cook, they have to watch a product placement for the film The Hundred-Foot Journey, which is produced by Oprah and Steven Spielberg, so definitely needs The Bachelorette‘s promotional power. After watching the film, they head back to someone’s apartment to cook a romantic meal. Coach Brian is so close to scoring but whiffs it instead. He retreats to a corner of the kitchen and grunts that he has no idea how grandma makes her mashed potatoes: “I dunno how she makes ’em, I just eat ’em.” Strangely Andi doesn’t find his demeanor especially attractive. While Brian fumbles, A-student Andi manages to slip in three more The Hundred-Foot Journey references. After they realize they are terrible cooks, they head to a local brasserie where a plate of beef helps Brian think about what he’s done. He apologizes for not making a move on her in the kitchen, so they make out at the table and she hands him a rose.
The Rose Ceremony: Andi and her Rose Ceremony–ready Suave hair have decided that she doesn’t need to talk to anyone and cuts the cocktail party out of the equation. She has three guys she wants to cut loose tonight and she wants to get down to business, because she knows what she wants and which relationships are moving forward. She’s come to name names. Specifically roses go to: Marcus, Nick, Farmer Chris and Dylan (who?). Coach Brian, pantspreneur JJ and baller Josh already have roses.
The Final Rose: The last rose goes to Cody, the personal trainer with the penchant for tight shirts and Tintin hair. That means Andrew, the seemingly skeevy social-media manager Patrick — who blames his dismissal on the fact that “she didn’t get to experience me” — and Marquel are all being sent home. Undoubtedly the women of America are lining up to comfort Marquel in his time of need.
Best Reason to Tune In Next Week: The group is heading to Venice! Sorry, Connecticut and Marseilles, Venice is the perfect place to fall in love.