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Now instead of telling your mouth-breathing cubicle-mate to “go to hell,” you can tell him to go to Grand Rapids.

That’s because Grand Rapids, Michigan is about to nix a 38-year old city ban on being an irritating nitwit. The section of the city code actually reads, “no person shall willfully annoy another person,” which sounds much more official than “Mo-om, tell him to sto-op!”

City officials are lifting the ban, calling it “simply unenforceable,” which is good news for all the annoying people out there who have been looking for a safe haven where they can practice their Olde English aloud.

Grand Rapids real estate agents should be expecting calls from annoying people all over the world, from Susan Patton (aka Princeton mom) to fictional Dana Brody to that one college roommate who named her plants. The city will soon be overrun with more amateur drummers than they know what to do with.

Good thing Hell is also a city in Michigan, so it won’t be too far to go from Grand Rapids.

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Write to Charlotte Alter at

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