TIME Parenting

Jennifer Aniston: People Call Me ‘Selfish’ For Not Being a Mom

"Life Of Crime" Premiere - Arrivals - 2013 Toronto International Film Festival
Actress Jennifer Aniston attends the premiere for "Life Of Crime" at Roy Thomson Hall on September 14, 2013 in Toronto, Canada. ( J. Countess--WireImage) J. Countess—WireImage

And correctly defines "feminism"

Even after years of the prying questions and condescending sympathy, it still bothers Jennifer Aniston when people ask her why she’s not a mom.

“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women—that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated,” she told Allure for their January issue. “I don’t think it’s fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering—dogs, friends, friends’ children.”

The actress, who has gotten critical praise for her role in the upcoming film Cake, explained that she finds the incessant commentary about her maternal status hurtful. “This continually is said about me: that I was so career-driven and focused on myself; that I don’t want to be a mother, and how selfish that is…Even saying it gets me a little tight in my throat.”

Aniston also seemed well-prepared to answer the now-omnipresent questions about feminism–and why it’s such a complicated issue. “Because people overcomplicate it,” she said. “It’s simply believing in equality between men and women. Pretty basic.”

[Allure]

MONEY Social Security

The Hidden Pitfalls of Collecting Social Security Benefits from Your Ex

Q. I have spoken with seven people at the Social Security Administration and gotten five different answers to my question. I want to draw Social Security from my ex-husband of 30 years at my present age, 62. I know that is not my full retirement age, and I would receive a reduced benefit. I also want to wait until full retirement age, 66, to draw from my Social Security benefit and receive it in full without reduction. Can I do this? —Sandra

A. This sounds like a sensible plan but unfortunately, when it comes to Social Security rules, logic doesn’t always carry the day. In this case, your plan conflicts with the agency’s so-called “deeming” rules, which apply to people who apply for spousal benefits—whether they are married or divorced—before they reach full retirement age.

Before we get to the problems with deeming, let’s quickly review the basics. If you were 66 and filed a divorce spousal claim, you would collect the highest possible spousal benefit—50% of the amount your ex-husband is entitled to at his full retirement age. It isn’t necessary for your ex to have filed for his own benefits at 66 for you to receive half of this amount. In fact, he doesn’t even need to have reached age 66. That’s just the reference point for determining spousal benefits.

Since you’re filing early, however, you won’t get half of his benefits. The percentages can be confusing, so here’s an example from the agency’s explanation of benefit reductions for early retirement. If your ex-husband’s benefit at full retirement age was $1,000 a month, your “full” divorce spousal payout at age 66 would be 50%, or $500. If you file at age 62, that amount will be reduced by 30% of $500, or $150. The payout you get, therefore, comes to $350 ($500 minus $150), or 35% of his benefit.

There are a few other rules for receiving divorce spousal benefits. You cannot be married to someone else. And if your former husband has not yet filed for his own Social Security retirement benefit, you must be divorced for at least two years to claim an ex-spousal benefit.

Now for the deeming pitfalls. If you meet these tests and file for a divorce spousal benefit before reaching full retirement age, Social Security deems you to be simultaneously filing for a reduced retirement benefit based on your own earnings record. The agency will look at the amount of each award and will pay you an amount that is equal to the greater of the two.

Since your spousal filing has also triggered a claim based on your own work history, you cannot then wait until full retirement age to file for your own benefits. In other words, your own retirement benefit will be reduced for the rest of your life. Logical or not, those are the rules.

There’s no simple solution to the deeming problem, but you do have some choices. Figuring out the best option depends on many factors, including the levels of Social Security benefits that you and your ex-husband can receive, as well as your overall financial situation. Do you absolutely need to begin collecting some Social Security benefits at age 62, or can you afford to wait? You should also consider whether you’re in good health and how long you think you may live.

Your first choice is to do nothing until you turn 66, which is the full retirement age for someone who is now 62. Once you hit that milestone, deeming no longer applies. At that time, you could collect your unreduced divorce spousal benefit and suspend your own benefit for up to four years till age 70. Thanks to delayed retirement credits, your benefit will rise by 8% a year, plus the rate of inflation, each year between age 66 and 70. (Your spousal benefit remains the same, except for the inflation increase.) So, even if your divorce spousal benefit is greater than your retirement benefit at age 66, this may no longer be the case when you turn 70.

But if you need the money now, your best choice may be to file for reduced benefits. If your reduced divorce spousal benefit is higher than your own reduced retirement benefit, you have another option. At 66, you could suspend your own benefit and receive only your excess divorce spousal benefit—the amount by which your ex-spousal benefit exceeds your retirement benefit. It probably won’t be much. Still, suspending your benefit will allow it to rise until age 70, though it will be lower than you would have otherwise received because of early claiming. If these increases provide more income than your divorce spousal benefit, this move may be worth considering.

Variation of these choices include filing early at age 63, 64, or 65. You can also consider how delayed retirement credits would affect your decision if you filed at age 67, 68, or 69. In the end, you’ll need to do the math to compare the potential benefits of delaying vs. claiming now. Or you may want to get help from a financial adviser.

Philip Moeller is an expert on retirement, aging, and health. His book, “Get What’s Yours: The Secrets to Maxing Out Your Social Security,” will be published in February by Simon & Schuster. Reach him at moeller.philip@gmail.com or @PhilMoeller on Twitter.

Read next: This New Retirement Income Solution May Be Headed for Your 401(k)

MONEY Social Security

Can I Collect Social Security From My Ex?

Ask the Expert Retirement illustration
Robert A. Di Ieso, Jr.

Q: I have been divorced twice and currently am not married. Can I draw Social Security off either of my ex-husbands? I was married to the first one for 16 years and the second for 11. And would I be able to remarry and still draw off the ex? I am 62 now. – Rita Diestel, Bruce, Miss.

A: You can collect Social Security benefits based on the earnings of a former spouse if you were married 10 years or more, and you are at least 62 and not currently married. So, you’re good on all three counts.

But there are a few more wrinkles, says Adam Nugent, managing partner of Foresight Wealth Management, an investment advisory firm in Sandy, Utah.

You can collect benefits from the ex-husband with the larger payout but only if you’re not eligible for a higher amount based on your own work record. You can check how much you’re entitled to and your ex-husbands’ payouts (if you have their Social Security numbers) at ssa.gov.

To collect on an ex, you must be divorced at least two years. The former husband that you base your benefits on must be at least 62, though he doesn’t have to have started receiving his benefits yet for you to get yours.

But just because you may be able to collect now doesn’t mean it’s the best move for you, says Nugent. You are entitled to 50% of your former husband’s benefits but, like anyone collecting Social Security, you’ll get less if you start taking it before your full retirement age of 66. The longer you delay the better. If you decide to take it before 66, your benefits will be permanently reduced, 8% for each year you take it before 66. “You will be rewarded for waiting,” says Nugent.

As for marrying again, if your ex is remarried, that won’t affect your benefits. But if you remarry that’s a different story. Nearly 60% of U.S. divorcees remarry and if you do, you are no longer able to get a divorced spouse’s benefits, unless you get divorced again yourself.

If you remain single, you can use many of the same strategies that married spouses use to boost your payouts, says Nugent. One option is to file a restricted application with Social Security (at full retirement age) to collect a divorced spousal benefit, which is half of what your ex gets. Then, once you reach 70, you can stop receiving the ex-spousal benefit and switch to your own benefit, which will be 32% higher than it would have been at your full retirement age.

The rules are a bit different if your former spouse dies. You are entitled to 100% of your deceased ex-spouse’s Social Security, the same as any widow even if he was remarried. And if you are married when your ex passes away, you can collect survivor benefits as long as you didn’t remarry until age 60 or later. If you are collecting Social Security based on your own work history, you can switch to survivor’s benefits if the payment is larger. Or, if you’re collecting survivor’s benefits, you can switch to your own retirement benefits — between 62 and 70 — if it offers a larger payment.

There’s a lot to think about, says Nugent, but most important is that there are big benefits for delaying. As a woman you’re more vulnerable in retirement than a man because women typically live longer. Of course, your health, expected longevity, and other retirement savings should be factored in as well. “But if you can wait at least a few more years to start collecting Social Security, that will give you more security in the long run,” says Nugent.

Do you have a personal finance question for our experts? Write to AskTheExpert@moneymail.com.

Read next: Why Social Security Suddenly Changed Its Benefits Withdrawal Rule

TIME U.K.

Record U.K. Divorce Settlement Set with $530 Million Payout

Jamie Cooper-Hohn, wife of top hedge fund boss Chris Hohn, leaves the High Court after a divorce hearing, in central London
Jamie Cooper-Hohn, wife of top hedge-fund boss Chris Hohn, leaves the High Court after a divorce hearing, in central London on Oct. 10, 2014 Reuters

The eye-popping payout includes $493 million in cash plus a home in Connecticut

A hedge-fund couple has reached what is believed to be the largest divorce settlement on legal record in the U.K.

A London court has ordered British billionaire Chris Hohn to pay his estranged American-born wife Jamie Cooper-Hohn about $530 million, Reuters reports. The settlement was recorded in a draft judgment and could be altered before final publication on Dec. 12.

The ex-couple founded Children’s Investment Fund Foundation (CIFF), a juggernaut of a private charity that has a investment fund worth roughly $4 billion. The pair, who were married for 17 years and have four children, hold a family fortune in the realm of $1.3 billion.

Cooper-Hohn, 49, had sought half the assets, but Hohn had said his talents in moneymaking counted as a special contribution to the marriage and entitled his wife to a quarter of the sum.

Hohn, 48, is the son of a Jamaican car mechanic, and neither he nor his ex-wife were well-off when they met at Harvard University, the Financial Times says. A judge said in court that the couple continued to live a “Swatch lifestyle” even after making billions.

The hefty settlement pales in comparison to the $4.5 billion payout that a Swiss court this spring ordered Russian tycoon Dmitri Rybolovlev to give his estranged wife, Elena.

Read more at Reuters

TIME Family

Men Want to Remarry; Women Are ‘Meh’

Ojo Images—GettyImages

Nearly two thirds of ex-married men would consider doing it again

Americans, who have lost a little of their ardor for marriage, are still pretty game to remarry. About 40% of all the new marriages in 2013 were not first marriages and in half of those cases, both spouses had ridden in that rodeo before. And new analysis from Pew Research finds that men are much more enamored of remarriage than women are.

“Most currently divorced or widowed men are open to the idea of remarriage, but women in the same circumstances are less likely to be,” says the report, which draws on figures from a survey it conducted in May and June. Almost two thirds of men either want to remarry or would at least consider it, while fewer than a half of women would.

Screen Shot 2014-11-13 at 10.17.57 PM

Perhaps it’s not surprising then that more guys do get remarried than women. Almost two thirds of men who have been married before and got divorced or were widowed wed again, whereas only a smidgen more than half of the women do.

There are lots of possible reasons for the gender discrepancy. Women tend to live longer, so they may outlast all their potential suitors. Or, since women now have more economic freedom than they did 50 years ago, they may feel less need for a partner. And while women still bear the bulk of the home care duties, once liberated, they may feel disinclined to enter into another legally binding agreement to look after somebody else.

However, the Pew analysis seems to suggest that the guys are being the shrewder partners, at least financially. “On key economic measures, remarried adults fare better than their currently divorced counterparts and about as well as those in their first marriages,” says the report, which gets its figures from analyzing American Community Survey data. Only 7% of people who are remarried live in poverty, compared to 19% of people who are divorced and still single. “Homeownership, which often reflects wealth, is also much higher for the remarried than the divorced—79% versus 58%.”

Of course, it may not be that the spouses are more financially stable because they are married. It might be that more financially stable people are in a better position to attract partners, build sturdy relationships and get married.

Slightly less than a quarter of all people who are married in the U.S. today are actually remarried people. Fifty years ago, they only represented about 13% of married people. In the same half century, marriage has fallen quite markedly out of favor among the young. But so far, the majority of people who have tried it are willing to give it another go.

TIME justice

Ex-Wife of Oil Magnate to Appeal $1 Billion Divorce Award

7th Annual Heath Corps Grassroots Garden Gala
Harold Hamm ,CEO of Continental Resources, attends the 7th Annual Heath Corps Grassroots Garden Gala at Gotham Hall on April 17, 2013 in New York City. Brad Barket—Getty Images

This high-stakes divorce case isn't over yet

The ex-wife of an oil magnate will appeal the divorce award of over $1 billion in cash and assets that she was handed this week, in one of the largest divorce cases in U.S. History, her lawyers said Thursday.

Attorneys for Sue Ann Hamm said the $995 million sum that her ex-husband, Continental Resources CEO Harold Hamm (worth an estimated $12.6 billion), was ordered to pay her was “not equitable,” according to Reuters. She was also allowed to keep additional assets, including homes in California and Oklahoma that are worth tens of millions of dollars.

Hamm, a lawyer and an economist, worked at Continental during parts of their 26-year marriage.

Continental Resources’ shares have fallen since the divorce proceedings began. Harold Hamm holds more than 68% of the company’s stock, a stake valued at around $13.5 billion today, but was worth $18 billion nine and a half weeks ago since the trial began. The appeals process could take months or even years.

[Reuters]

MONEY

Lessons From a $1 Billion Divorce Settlement

Harold Hamm, founder and CEO of Continental Resources, enters the courthouse for divorce proceedings with wife Sue Ann Hamm in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma September 22, 2014.
Harold Hamm, founder and CEO of Continental Resources, enters the courthouse for divorce proceedings with wife Sue Ann Hamm in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma September 22, 2014. Steve Sisney—Reuters

Oil tycoon Harold Hamm was ordered to pay his ex-wife $1 billion. Even if you and your spouse don't have that kind of money, pay attention.

In one of the largest divorce settlements on record, the chairman and CEO of energy giant Continental Resources CONTINENTAL RESOURCES CLR 5.46% was ordered Monday to pay his ex-wife $995.4 million, according to the Associated Press.

As part of an Oklahoma judge’s ruling, Harold Hamm must pay his ex-wife, Sue Ann Hamm, $322 million by the end of the year, and pay off the rest of the money in monthly installments of at least $7 million.

The ruling, which Forbes estimates will leave Harold Hamm with a fortune of $14 billion, is a vivid illustration of the economic impact that a breakup can have on divorcing spouses at any level of wealth. Unlike many wealthy couples, the Hamms had not entered into a prenuptial agreement, according to the New York Times. Such an agreement usually establishes how a couple will divide property and provide for spousal support in the event of a divorce, in place of relying on state laws.

While Sue Ann Hamm seems to be walking away from this marriage financially set, Money contributer Lili Vasileff, who works with divorcing and divorced clients, notes that wives are often financially shortchanged in a breakup. Here she explains the Seven Biggest Money Mistakes That Divorcing Women Make. Elsewhere, she discusses how lifetime alimony has become a lightning rod for criticism.

As for prenuptial agreements, Money contributing editor Farnoosh Torabi points out that they’re not just for wealthy folks and celebrities. Learn why in this video:

 

TIME People

Oil Mogul Harold Hamm to Pay Wife $995 Million in Divorce

7th Annual Heath Corps Grassroots Garden Gala
Harold Hamm, CEO of Continental Resources, attends the 7th Annual Heath Corps Grassroots Garden Gala at Gotham Hall on April 17, 2013 in New York City. Brad Barket—Getty Images

The ruling, which is subject to appeal, comes after a 9-1/2 week divorce trial ended last month

An Oklahoma County judge has ordered oil magnate and Continental Resources Chief Executive Officer Harold Hamm to pay nearly $1 billion in a divorce judgment, according to a court filing made public on Monday. Special Judge Howard Haralson found that Hamm should pay his ex-wife Sue Ann Hamm a total of $995.5 million, with about a third of the funds, or $322.7 million, to be paid by the end of the year, the filing says.

Hamm, Oklahoma’s richest man, will then be required to pay the rest of the judgment, some $650 million, in installments worth at least $7 million per month, the filing says…

Read the rest of the story from our partners at NBC News

TIME Books

Here Are Some Sex Tips From Amy Poehler’s New Book (Plus Insight on Motherhood and Divorce)

2014 ELLE Women In Hollywood Awards - Arrivals
Amy Poehler arrives at the 2014 ELLE Women In Hollywood Awards at Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills on Oct. 20, 2014 in Beverly Hills. Steve Granitz—WireImage

The Parks & Rec star's new book, Yes Please, is out on Oct. 28

Amy Poehler’s new book, Yes Please is out today, and the title pretty much sums up everyone’s attitude when we heard the notoriously nice funnywoman was finally writing a book. An Amy Poehler book? Yes please! That’s probably where she got her title.

The Parks & Rec star explains where she got her title, in a winning yet insightful passage in the book’s introduction:

It’s called Yes Please because it is the constant struggle and often the right answer. Can we figure out what we want, ask for it, and stop talking? Yes please. Is being vulnerable a power position? Yes please. Am I allowed to take up space? Yes please. Would I like to be left alone? Yes please…”Yes Please” sounds powerful and concise. It is a response and a request. It is not about being a good girl; it is about being a real woman.”

But if you can’t pick up the book, or your bookstore is out of it, or you’re waiting in a line behind everyone else in the world and just want to know the highlights, here they are:

On hot sex tips:

In the “World Famous Sex Tips” chapter, Poehler has some choice advice for women and men about how to get it on:

For women:

Try not to fake it: I know you are tired/nervous/eager to please/unsure of how to get there. Just remember to allow yourself real pleasure and not worry about how long it takes…God punished us with the gift of being able to fake it. Show God who the real boss is by getting off and getting yours.

For men:

Be nice, tell your woman she is hot, never shame her, and never hurt her.

Also, she advises not to let your kids sleep in your bed, which is probably a good idea for both men and women.

On her mantra for women who make different choices:

Poehler describes the experience of giving birth to her first son, and making choices about delivery that were different from what her friends were doing (she opted for lots of drugs, not a “natural birth.”)

Good for her! Not for me. That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again. Good for her! Not for me.

Poehler also notes that her OB-GYN had delivered Sophia Loren’s children, which was fitting because she (Poehler) has “the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.” This celebrity gyno doesn’t end up delivering Poehler’s son, but you’ll have to read the book to find out why…

On motherhood, and why “every mother needs a wife:”

Poehler has an excellent chapter on motherhood, titled “Every Mother Needs a Wife.” At first, she gets into the down-and-dirty of the mommy wars (perfectly lampooning the subtle digs of working and stay-at-home moms.)

“The ‘I don’t know how you do it’ statement used to get my blood boiling. When I heard those words, I didn’t hear ‘I don’t know HOW you do it.’ I just heard ‘I don’t know how you COULD do it.’ I would be feeling overworked and guilty and overwhelmed and suddenly I would be struck over the head by what felt like someone else’s bullsh*t. It was an emotional drive-by. A random act of woman-on-woman violence…

But then Poehler gets to what she actually means by “every mother needs a wife.” The chapter ends with a touching tribute to the nannies who care for her children, similar to the tear-jerking toast she gave at the TIME100 gala in 2011. These women, she says, are her wives.

“Do you know how I do it? I can do it because I have a wife. Every mother needs a wife… Some mothers’ wives are their mothers. Some mothers’ wives are their husbands. Some mothers’ wives are their friends and neighbors. Every working person needs a wife who takes care of her and helps her become a better mother… the biggest lie and biggest crime is that we all do this alone and look down on people who can’t.

On divorce:

True to form, Poehler doesn’t dish any juicy details at all about her 2013 divorce from comedian Will Arnett, but does write insightfully about how difficult the process was.

“Imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air. The process of divorce is about loading up that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands.

She notes that she isn’t going to get into any specifics, because it’s “too sad and too personal,” but she will say this:

“I am proud of how my ex husband, Will, and I have been taking care of our children; I am beyond grateful he is their father and I don’t think a ten-year marriage constitutes failure. That being said, getting a divorce really sucks. But as my dear friend and relationship sponsor Louis CK has noted, “divorce is always good news because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.

On awards shows:

Poehler has been nominated for many acting awards (mostly for Parks & Rec, although she was nominated for two Emmys for her time at SNL, and for some movies). Although she has not yet won an Emmy for Parks & Rec, she is known for staging “bits” with other nominees to take some of the pressure off who wins. Here’s why:

“The worst part of being nominated for any award is that despite your best efforts, you start to want the pudding. You spend weeks thinking about how it doesn’t matter and it’s all just an honor, and then seconds before the name of the winner is announced everything inside you screams… “GIMME THAT PUDDING!!” Then comes the adrenaline dump, followed by shame.

She describes all the various stunts she’s pulled at awards shows, from wearing fake mustaches to pretending to be in a beauty pageant to switching speeches with Julia Louis Dreyfus, to a fake flirtation with George Clooney.

“The lessons? Women are mighty. George Clooney loves bits. Doing something together is often more fun than doing it alone. And you don’t always have to win to get the pudding.”

On doing drugs:

She’s pretty open about her drug use, which is kind of awesome. The verdict: weed rocks, cocaine feels great but terrible the next day, and everything else ruins lives.

“In my twenties I tried cocaine, which I instantly loved but eventually hated. Cocaine is terrific if you want to hang out with people you don’t know very well and play Ping-Pong all night. It’s bad for almost everything else… The day after cocaine is rough…The next day is the thing I can’t pull off anymore. How do you explain to a four-and-six-year old that you can’t play Rescue Bots because you have to spend all day in bed eating Cape Cod potato chips and watching The Bicycle Thief?

But is she worried that her kids will read the book and think drugs are okay? Nah.

“What’s more boring than your own mother’s take on her own life? Yawn. Also, I am counting on everyone living on the moon by the time my children are teenagers, and that they’ll have really interesting space friends who are kind and good students and think drugs are lame and “totally, like, Earthish.”

More, please!

Read next: Marcel the Shell (With Shoes On) Is Back

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