TIME

The UN And U.S. Pentagon Are Actively Working To Save Us From Killer Robots And Zombies

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Zombie Getty Images

Now let's talk about the probability of a "Day After Tomorrow" scenario...

The world’s governing bodies have seen disaster movies, and they want you to know that they’re on it.

In Geneva Tuesday, the UN discussed banning killer robots before they become an international concern. While we would imagine the meetings involved a stream of Terminator clips, fist banging and old European men shouting “Not on my watch,” the Chronicle Herald describes a far more civilized scene. Diplomats discussed the necessity of limiting lethal autonomous weapons that “could go beyond human-directed drones already being used by some armies today”:

“All too often international law only responds to atrocities and suffering once it has happened,” Michael Moeller, acting head of the UN’s European headquarters in Geneva, told diplomats at the start of the four-day gathering. “You have the opportunity to take pre-emptive action and ensure that the ultimate decision to end life remains firmly under human control.”

He noted that the UN treaty they were meeting to discuss — the Convention on Certain Conventional Weapons adopted by 117 nations including the world’s major powers — was used before to prohibit the use of blinding laser weapons in the 1990s before they were ever deployed on the battlefield, and this “serves as an example to be followed again.”

Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International have already petitioned against a future of killer robots.

And now onto another summer blockbuster favorite: The zombie apocalypse.

Foreign Policy received a document called “CONOP 8888″ that outlines the U.S. Pentagon’s plan to survive an attack by the undead — ranging from vegetarian to “evil magic” zombies.

According to FP, the document’s summary read:

This plan fulfills fictional contingency planning guidance tasking for U.S. Strategic Command to develop a comprehensive [plan] to undertake military operations to preserve ‘non-zombie’ humans from the threats posed by a zombie horde. Because zombies pose a threat to all non-zombie human life, [Strategic Command] will be prepared to preserve the sanctity of human life and conduct operations in support of any human population — including traditional adversaries.”

While a spokesperson for Strategic Command assured FP that the (real!) document was a “fictional training scenario,” a disclaimer on CONOP 8888 reads, “this plan was not actually designed as a joke.”

Hmmm.

Now let’s get on that Day After Tomorrow climate change disaster plan. Anybody?

TIME Bizarre

This Man on a Scooter Who Fell into a Manhole Is Having a Worse Day than You

Think you're having a case of the Mondays? Watch this.

+ READ ARTICLE

Some people have all the luck. Other’s accidentally ride their scooters directly into open manholes. Police dashcams have been known to capture some pretty ridiculous moments, this snapshot of a commuter’s unfortunate traffic misadventure on a rural road in Taiwan now joins the ranks.

(h/t: Metro)

TIME Bizarre

On-Air Reporter Gives Inspired Newscast of How a Man Robbed a Waffle House with a Pitchfork

Before you ask: Yes, props were used.


Atlanta newscaster Tony Thomas gave an inspired, prop-filled, on-air report last week about how a man robbed a waffle house with none other than a pitchfork. “It wouldn’t be an offensive weapon in your garden, but it was in a Waffle House,” Norcross police Chief Warren Summers told WSB-TV Channel 2. Watch Thomas take the “action” very literally as he reports the news in the way we imagine Ron Burgundy would.

(h/t: Uproxx)

TIME Bizarre

Hook-Up Truck Driving Around San Francisco This Weekend Provides Exact Service You Guessed It Would

Greg Earl

It's like Uber for your nether-regions!

Once upon a time, having sex in the back of a truck was seen as a thing that you only did out of extreme necessity. Like, your boyfriend’s futon had bed bugs or your parents were home. But a new service that has been getting a considerable amount of internet buzz is trying to change that mentality.

This weekend, a no-frills, on-demand, condom-filled Hook-Up truck will be driving around San Francisco providing the exact service you think it would: A place for fornication. It’s like Uber for your genitals!

But this isn’t UberLUX. The 21+ crowd who rents the mobile hour-motel service can expect an unmarked box-truck to show up, providing basic services: temperature control, free safe sex accoutrement, and a camera ready option to record the interlude. There are no stripper poles or water beds — no beds at all, actually, since bedding is absorbent and therefore less clean.

“There’s not much in the room,” creator and conceptual artist Spy Emerson told TIME. “There’s a bench and a handle, like a bar you hold on to. It’s designed to keep clean, so we just wipe everything down. I have bleach and this green stuff, I have disinfective wipes. I guarantee that this is cleaner than BART [San Francisco's transit system] or any public bathroom that anyone has used recently.”

The Hook-Up Truck is part performance art, part social experiment, and part test-run for an actual business. While services are free this weekend, Emerson plans to eventually charge people for their time in the truck and eventually franchise the sex-on-wheels-mobile in other cities. It has been reported that rates will range from $75 for 30 parked minutes of bliss to $2,500 for a 5-hour party rental.

Unsurprisingly, the Hook-Up Truck was created for the swipe-happy, dating app generation. “One of my friends was talking about his experiences on Grindr, and he was doing it in driveways and behind cars, and I realized that his service is needed,” Emerson said.

But Emerson was surprised to find that clients who have reserved the truck for Friday and Saturday night aren’t just Tinder addicts.

Creator Spy Emerson driving the unmarked Hook-Up Truck Greg Earl

“It’s not just the exhibitionists you’d imagine,” Emerson said. There are single mothers, a military wife surprising her husband when he’s on leave, and husband who is surprising his wife for their anniversary. “They’re gong to have dinner, and then he’s going to bring her to the truck.”

You shouldn’t have?

Emerson is also hoping to collect materials from the Hook-Up Truck for an art exhibition she hopes to present at Miami’s Art Basel in December. So if couples are interested, photos before, after, and even during are strongly encouraged.

Emerson says that “this weekend is just to get us out there and rolling around.” Literally and metaphorically.

TIME Bizarre

62 High School Students Arrested For Pee-Brained Senior Prank

Joke's on them?

A typical senior prank involving overturned desks, balloons, silly string, hot dogs taped on lockers, smeared Vaseline on doorknobs… oh yeah, and urine soaked floors led to the mass-arrest 62 New Jersey high school students early Thursday.

“I’ve been a police officer 19 years and this is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” Teaneck Police Sgt. John Garland told NBC New York.

Acting Teaneck Police Chief Robert Carney said officers arrived at Teaneck High School when a burglar alarm went off at 2 a.m. While some students escaped by running out of the building, police ended up arresting 62 students, including 24 of adult age.

The 38 juveniles, who must be pretty happy right now to have not hit their 18th birthday just yet, were released to their parents.

Here’s the scene of the crime:

“They’re learning the hard way that it’s not too funny,” Garland said.

School remained open Thursday, and at least no dead fish were involved in the incident.

[NBC New York]

TIME Bizarre

Authorities Seize Speakers from Man Who Repeatedly Blasted Céline Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”

It could not go on any longer

Authorities seized an Englishman’s stereo system earlier this month because he played Céline Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” too loudly, disturbing the neighbors.

The man, who was in his 40s, had breached a noise abatement order six times before “a warrant was obtained from magistrates and officers then seized thousands of pounds worth of equipment” including “anything that could cause more noise like his 3D TV, a laptop, various speakers, a sound docking station with iPod 32 DVDs, CDs and a PlayStation 3,” according to a statement published online by Medway Council, which is in Kent, a county of Southeast England. He can apply for the equipment’s return after a month.

He was also blasting James Brown’s “Sex Machine”, Apache Indian’s “Boom Shack-A-Lak”, Steppenwolf’s “Born To Be Wild”, and “You’ve Got a Friend In Me” from Toy Story, the release says.

(h/t BBC)

TIME Bizarre

Grinch Wants Dr. Seuss’ Hop On Pop Banned

Hop on Pop

The complainant claims the children's classic encourages violence and should be banned from Toronto public libraries

A father’s rights advocate finally stood up and said enough to librarian apologists who spread the lascivious gospel of Dr. Seuss’s classic Hop on Pop.

The Toronto Public Library released its annual review committee notes Monday, which included a request to ban the 1963 Dr. Seuss classic for “encourag[ing] children to use violence against their fathers.” The traumatized complainant not only asked libraries to pull the book from its collection and issue a formal apology to the fathers of Toronto, but also that they “pay for damages resulting from the book.”

Even American dignitaries have been complicit in spreading Seuss’ dangerous propaganda. First Lady and former librarian Laura Bush touted Hop on Pop as one of her personal favorites to the Wall Street Journal, recalling when her daughters took the book “literally” and (trigger warning ahead) jumped on President Bush’s stomach. “We have the pictures to prove it,” she said. To our knowledge, Barbara and Jenna were never charged in the incident.

The Toronto Library system did not submit to the complainant’s belly aching. The book remains in circulation in part because the children in the book are, in fact, told not to hop on Pop.

Now is when we’d make jokes about GMO protestors launching a campaign against Green Eggs and Ham … but we don’t want to give anyone any ideas considering it was already banned in China for its “portrayal of early Marxism” and briefly in California for allegedly touting acts of homosexual seduction.

TIME Bizarre

WATCH: House Painted Like Victorian in Up Angers Neighbors

One family's pastel dream house looks "atrocious" to neighbor Lou Faria

+ READ ARTICLE

Two lucky kids in Santa Clara, Calif. now live in a home that looks just like the whimsical Victorian from Up, but their neighbors aren’t impressed.

“They love the movie Up and we just thought we’d give them something fun to be proud of and actually all the kids in the neighborhood really love the colors,” homeowner Hosam Haggog told NBC. All that’s missing are the balloons.

This isn’t the first time the Pixar movie has inspired a real-life dwelling: a Utah house modeled after the very same building was sold for $400,000 in 2011.

After more than two years of renovation, Haggog and wife Fatima Rahman are dealing with the controversy sparked by their home makeover. That’s because the home in question is located on Santa Clara’s Harrison Street, known for its historic Victorian-style houses, also known as painted ladies, which were built during the Victorian era.

Neighbor Lou Faria called the paint job “atrocious” and said the painted lady now looks like a “clown.”

TIME Bizarre

Stranger Hacks Into Baby Monitor and Screams at Child

Parents in Cincinnati, Ohio, heard a male voice screaming at their baby through their baby monitor, which appears to have been hacked, FOX19 reports.

According to Heather Schreck, the stranger was yelling at her 10-month-old daughter Emma, “‘Wake up baby. Wake up baby.’ Then just screaming at her trying to wake her up.” Then Adam Schreck, the baby’s father, said when he ran into the room, the camera turned and started shouting at him.

It is the latest IP camera manufactured by Foscam and used as a baby monitor that has gone viral because of a security breach. In August 2013, NewsFeed reported via ABC13 that in Houston, a stranger saw a two-year-old girl’s name written on her bedroom wall via the Internet-connected cam and started making abusive comments like “‘‘Wake up you little sl#t.’” Forbes has reported that the company had a “firmware vulnerability” caused by outdated software that could cause hackers to easily tap in, but software updates were supposed to make the network more secure. That said, earlier this year, PCWorld noticed that similar concerns about the security of the Foscam wireless IP cameras have been raised in company’s technical support forums.

Solutions expert Dave Hatter recommended to FOX19 that passwords should be changed on the WiFi network and the camera software, but admitted, “Any kind of Internet-connected device essentially could be subjected to this.”

TIME Bizarre

The Cool New Way to Get High Is Apparently To Rub Burt’s Bees Lip Balm On Your Eyelids

Burt's Bees products are displayed at Gramercy Natural Front
Jb Reed / Bloomberg / Getty Images

It's called "Beezin"

Apparently, the youths have found yet another bizarre and probably unsafe way to alter their mental states.

Oklahoma City’s Fox-25 reports that teens are now getting a new kind of “buzz” by applying Burt’s Bees lip balm to their eyelids. Naturally, they’re calling it “Beezin” and apparently it adds to the experience of already being drunk or high by adding an additional tingling sensation. Others say it keeps them alert.

But like, why did the youths choose Burt’s Bees?

It’s the peppermint oil that’s causing the burning sensation and I suppose some people think that is kind of funny,” Dr. Brett Cauthen at Today Clinic told Fox-25.

Yeah, funny until you get pink eye, dude! Then no one will want to hang out with you because you’re that weirdo with red swollen eyes.

If you don’t believe that “Beezin” is a real thing, then allow this video to convince you:

(h/t Gawker)

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