TIME viral

The ‘Turn Down for What’ Music Video Is Even Weirder Without Music

Turn down… the volume? 

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The music video for DJ Snake and Lil Jon’s cryptic smash hit “Turn Down for What” is pretty freaky. The protagonist gets hit with some kind of contagious twerking disease and starts smashing things with his genitals. But maybe the lyrics explain the action: the video definitely doesn’t turn down for anything, “keeping the partying going,” as Vox put it.

But when you remove the music, as in this surreal YouTube edit, it’s ten times more bizarre. Without the justification of the lyrics, the video seems to be… a fairy tale about a man who can’t stop air-humping things?

TIME technology

This iPhone App Turns Your Selfies into Textable Stickers

imoji

You-moji

New emoji are rolling out rapidly enough that someday we’ll have entire libraries full of incomprehensible emoji-only books to be read only by experts. But if even the existence of a hot dog or pizza emoji isn’t enough, there’s imoji—a new app that will turn a selfie, a snapshot, or pretty much anything else into a textable sticker.

Just open the app, choose a picture, and erase around the edges to turn it into an emoji perfectly suited to your conversation. imoji’s Instagram account has some suggestions: a 2007 meltdown-era Britney Spears head, goofy animal pictures, and, of course, Peter Dinklage.

TIME Family

Watch a Dad Comb His Daughter’s Hair Using a Vacuum Cleaner

Looks like the world’s fastest way to do a ponytail.

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Some dads may feel a certain disadvantage when it comes to doing their daughters’ hair. After all, they didn’t braid their own hair or put it into a ponytail when they were children, that is, unless they happened to be in a metal band.

But in this video, Rene Ortner showcases one crazy trick for making a perfect ponytail: Use a vacuum cleaner. He sweeps his daughter’s hair into the hose, then unrolls a hair-tie onto it. Voilà! Instant perfect pony.

(h/t Digg)

TIME Television

Man’s 41 Homer Simpson Tattoos Set World Record

Lee Weir's Homer sleeve Guinness World Records

"Woo hoo!" as Homer would say

Some people get drunk before they get a tattoo, but Lee Weir, a 27-year-old from New Zealand, gave up alcohol for a year while getting 41 tattoos of Homer Simpson in a sleeve on his arm—setting a Guinness World Record for the most tattoos of the same cartoon character on a single body.

The tattoo might also break a record for how many different versions of the same cartoon character it contains. Weir has Homer as a jack-in-the-box, the Grim Reaper, and a donut. There’s Homer as a baby, as an old man, and in a Hawaiian shirt.

Why Homer? Weir wasn’t allowed to watch the cartoon as a kid, but he “got into it at a later age” he told Australia’s Sunrise morning show. He considered getting tattoos of all the different Simpsons characters, but the process was too difficult. How do you choose who to include and who to leave out? Homer makes for “a great conversation starter,” he said.

TIME Food & Drink

The Beer List at This Bar Looks Like a Stock Ticker

Invest responsibly

The Beer Exchange

A bar in Kalamazoo, Michigan, takes the fun of happy hour to a whole new level.

The Beer Exchange has been going viral on Reddit and Imgur in the last day because its beer list resembles a stock ticker — or a Bloomberg Terminal that dispenses alcohol. It displays the current prices for various kinds of beer, and as demand for the different types ebbs and flows, the prices rise and fall. Once in a while, there’s even a market crash that brings the beverages to their all-time low.

It’s a happy hour all the time—as long as you’re interested in the right beer. But unlike stock trading, there’s no reward for buying low and selling high. Besides getting buzzed, that is.

TIME animals

This Dog Surfing Competition is Totally Gnarly

Get ready for some ruff waves

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What’s cooler than surfing? Surfing with your dog. And not just riding the same board as your pet, but pushing your pup to ride a wave on their own. That’s what the dogs in Unleashed, the largest dog surfing competition the U.S., do, and they rock at it.

Hanging 20, the dogs perch on top of the boards as the waves sweep toward the beach. When the wave collapses, the canine surfers hop off, no harm done (some are wearing adorable life jackets, just in case).

But are the dogs scared to go on the surfboards? Are their owners forcing them into unwanted roles as surf bros? Eric Felland, owner of the champion of the large dog heat, tells The Guardian that his dog “loves what he does.” Fellow owner James Wall says “it’s hard to say it’s cruel; some dogs like it some dogs don’t.” One thing’s for sure—it’s great for everyone watching.

TIME Food & Drink

You Can Finally Start That Shrine to Yourself With This Selfie Toaster

Vermont Novelty Toaster

Eat Instagram for breakfast

For further evidence that selfie culture is turning from a form of self-expression into pure kitsch, we offer up the Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation’s new selfie toaster. For only $75, you, too, can put your face on a piece of bread and then eat it for breakfast in the morning. It only takes a week to deliver!

“Yes, you don’t have to be famous or Jesus to have your face on toast,” company president Galen Dively says in the device’s press release. But you do have to pretty narcissistic to buy a toaster for the sole purpose of making your face appear more places!

It’s one thing to take a photo of yourself and Snapchat it to a friend in an earnest attempt at communicating something; it’s entirely another to stamp that face all over the world around you, turning your kitchen into a nightmarish temple to yourself.

With the help of CNC technology, making a custom-design toaster is cheaper than ever, so you can buy a toaster that prints just about anything, according to the company. They even take Bitcoins. Duh.

TIME

Dad-to-Be Films the 95 MPH Race to the Hospital for the Birth of His Child

GoPros aren't just for extreme sports anymore.

What do you do when your wife is pregnant and you need to get out of the house as soon as possible and rush to a hospital? Stick a GoPro camera in your car and record the whole thing, of course.

Troy Dickerson filmed his wife Kristin being driven to the hospital at speeds in excess of 95 miles per hour, recording himself trying to soothe her as she moans in pain. They pull up to the hospital’s car port, but Kristin can’t make it inside—she gives birth right out of the car. It’s amazing that everything went as smooth as it did, all things considered.

And when the baby is grown up, they will be able to watch their entire emergence into the world in HD! Good for them, I guess? At least they can time-lapse the footage.

TIME language

This Is the World’s Most Average Font

Universal Typeface Project

Better than Comic Sans!

Before we all give up handwriting for good in lieu of touchscreens, the Universal Typeface Project is attempting to figure out what exactly the world’s average handwriting looks like. The project aims to develop a new font determined by thousands of individuals writing out there ABC’s, traces that can be seen on the project’s website. The exact averages form an elegant kind of Comic Sans—which was supposed to approximate informal handwriting but failed utterly. These are the platonic ideals of English-language letters.

Mousing over each version of a letter brings up the name and location of the person who wrote it. Rather than standardizing our language, the Universal Typeface actually restores a sense of individuality to typefaces online—it’s poetically organic rather than strictly designed to always look the same. It’s possible to sort the handwriting by country or gender, seeing how it varies for different writers. The letters are even ever-changing as more people contribute their own handwriting.

TIME Television

Drink Like Cersei with Game of Thrones Wines

Common Ventures

Just don’t go boar hunting under the influence

What does Cersei Lannister drink after a hard day of power politics (or every day, all the time)? Why, wine, of course. Dornish wine may be the beverage of choice for the Seven Kingdoms, but The Wines of Westeros allow us non-royalty to take part as well.

The fan-made project, by creative agency Common Ventures, gathers 12 wines named for the major houses plus the Night’s Watch, Dothraki, Wildlings, and White Walkers. The collection is available for pre-order to be delivered next year when season five launches—presumably giving the liquid time to age. Like any great wine, which one you choose is determined by what kind of terroir you’re looking for. House Lannister gets a dark pinot noir and Martell gets a cabernet. The White Walker vintage, unfortunately, is not an ice wine, but a sauvignon blanc.

With their potent personalities, it’s not hard to imagine what flavors the house wines might reveal. Below, some tasting notes.

Dothraki Merlot

Hints of horse’s heart on the tongue. Slightly dusty in the back of the throat. Long, violent finish.

Night’s Watch Shiraz

Tastes like it’s been stewed for days over a smokey fire. Slight suggestions of roasted bird—one might even detect crow. Best savored alone, forever.

Wildling Sauvignon Blanc

Sharp, but with an inner warmth as the liquid moves around the mouth. Best served as cold as the Arctic tundra and poured into a sack made from the skin of a dead animal.

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