TIME relationships

Why Online Dating is a Boon for Women

Jo Piazza is a writer, editor, and co-author of The Knockoff.

Not since the introduction of the birth control pill have we seen a tool as liberating for women as online dating.

When the Pill was first introduced to the market as a contraceptive in 1960, it gave women new power. It wasn’t just sexual freedom. The Pill gave them the power of choice. It allowed a woman to seriously date and experience intimacy with more than one man before she had to select him as a life partner.

Digital dating and the vast amount of information that accompanies it–with a market estimated at 27 million Americans–arm women with the knowledge needed to make a better choice before the date even begins. The Pill allowed women to metaphorically road-test the car. Online dating allows a woman to get an inspection before she bothers heading to the lot.

Finding a potential spouse with a steady job is a high priority for 78% of women, according to research by Pew. Most dating profiles allow a woman to ascertain whether her “matches” have a job–or whatever else her preferences may be–all without asking uncomfortable questions on a first date. Only after a woman is armed with this information does she need to proceed with making a date. And she is the one with the power to initiate that meeting, if she so chooses.

In 2013, the dating site Are You Interested released figures showing that a woman sending an online message to a man in her age range had an 18% likelihood of receiving a response. A man, in the same scenario, had a 4% likelihood of receiving a response. The same site found that a man typically had to send 25 messages to different women to get a response. A woman had to send only five.

In that way, the slew of dating sites and applications that have flooded the market in the past decade make every day Sadie Hawkins Day. Now, Sadie Hawkins never actually got to experience the joy of having the ball in her court. She was the creation of the cartoonist Al Capp for his Li’l Abner comic strip; Capp gave all the unmarried girls in town like Sadie a special day to “catch” their husbands. The strip ignited a popular real-life movement in the late 1930s and early ’40s whereby women, in a stunning cultural reversal, could ask a suitor to be their companion for an annual Sadie Hawkins Day dance. Is Sadie Hawkins an old-fashioned metaphor? Not really.

We no longer live in the sexually repressed ’40s, and of course women have been asking men out for decades. But few women who have tried it will deny that online dating makes it easier to be the one to make the first move, that it allows women to be much more selective and forward and that it removes some of the stigma from being the pursuer.

My female friends often receive hundreds of first messages, compared with a handful received by my male friends. Does this mean that all those men will be a potential match? Does this mean that roughly 45% of those men won’t take themselves out of contention by awkwardly posing with small baby animals or exotic pets?

Absolutely not, but it does mean that the women have a much larger pool from which to select potential dates. Online dating may not be perfect, but it certainly beats waiting to be asked out at a bar–or worse, driving home in a lemon.

Piazza is the co-author, with Lucy Sykes, of new novel The Knockoff

This appears in the June 15, 2015 issue of TIME.

TIME Ideas hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary and expertise on the most compelling events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. To submit a piece, email ideas@time.com.

TIME Culture

How to Bridge the Generational Gap and Succeed at Work

jo piazza lucy sykes knockoff
Penguin Random House

Jo Piazza is a writer, editor, and co-author of The Knockoff.

You can learn something from the other generation

I’ve been the youngest person in the room. I’ve been the only one in jeans and a hoodie while everyone else wore power suits. I laughed when someone mentioned a fax.

I’ve also been the oldest. I have been completely left behind during a conversation about the benefits of Meerkat versus Periscope. I once had to ask what Tinder was.

I’m almost 35, which means I straddle that weird line between Generation X and millennial. I recently wrote a novel with former-magazine-editor-turned-techie Lucy Sykes, who is 45, about this generational divide in the workplace.

Our book The Knockoff has been called The Devil Wears Prada meets All About Eve meets Silicon Valley, and it tells the story of fashion magazine editor Imogen Tate (who is in her forties) who sees her magazine turned into an app when her young assistant Eve (who is in her twenties) becomes her boss. Even as Eve tries to strong-arm Imogen out of her job, Imogen meets incredible young women in tech who help her bridge the generational divide.

In some ways the book mirrored Lucy and my real relationship. Lucy couldn’t figure out how to edit the documents that I would send her over email. But we figured it out. Lucy paid her 11-year-old son to teach her to use her iPad. We both learned to speak the universal language of emoji. We got over it. Here’s some advice for others in similar situations.

For the younger generation:

1. Show. Don’t tell. Your older boss may think you’re goofing off and wasting time on your phone and social media. They might not understand that you can communicate with clients over text message and search for ideas on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. I once had an editor ask me to reprimand an employee because she “never picked up a phone” and was “on her Gmail all day.” She was just using Gchat as her primary mode of communication. Show your boss how you use new tools and platforms so that your boss knows they are a part of your daily work flow.

2. Listen with respect and ask questions. Your older coworker has been working in this industry for so long for a reason, and they have years of institutional knowledge. You can learn from them. Asking questions doesn’t just help you learn, but it also makes your coworker feel valued.

3. Switch up how you communicate. Pick up the phone. Sometimes a phone call will accomplish so much more than a text message. Nuance is lost in text, and a smiley face does not convey tone. If you want to have a healthy working relationship with your older colleagues, make that phone call or pop over to their office. Keep the acronyms to yourself, and let them dictate the kind of language you use.

4. Be patient. The older generation went into their careers thinking they would stay in one place for a long time. That is no longer the case. You may be itching to move up the ladder and onto the next big opportunity, but sit back for a bit, take a deep breath, and don’t let that ambition and eagerness overwhelm you. Sometimes it can be taken the wrong way.

5. Be polite. We know you have manners. But sometimes manners are lost over text and email. It’s worth using pleasantries like “Dear X” and “Sincerely” in emails.

For the older generation:

1. Your next mentor may be younger than you, and that’s OK. When I used to think about a mentor, I thought about Oprah, Gay Talese, and Barbara Walters—all people who were older than I was. But now I look at women in their twenties who are fierce business women, and I think Lauren Conrad or Leandra Medine of the Man Repeller could be my next mentor.

2. Adapt. The old ways aren’t necessarily better; we have just been doing them longer. Sometimes it’s necessary to adapt, or risk not making it in the industry.

3. Ask for help. Ask your kids. Ask your nanny. Ask those geniuses at the Apple store. Half the battle is knowing what to ask so you can level the playing field.

4. Compromise. Be prepared for change, and be ready to embrace new ideas from this new generation of business leaders. Accept that you are not always going to be right.

5. Learn new ways to communicate. Make sure you get on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram. Learn to text and Snapchat. It might seem like a fad, but it will open up amazing in-roads with the younger generation.

TIME Ideas hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary and expertise on the most compelling events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. To submit a piece, email ideas@time.com.

TIME Religion

The Great Nunquisition: Why the Vatican Is Cracking Down on Sisters

FILIPPO MONTEFORTE—AFP/Getty Images Nuns pose with the jersey of Argentinian football star Lionel Messi and flags prior Pope Francis Sunday Angelus prayer at St. Peter's Square on July 13, 2014 at the Vatican.

Today's generation of nuns are progressive women, two things the Church isn't used to

Nuns are an endangered species. They are dying and not being replaced.

If you think the news is bad now, a world without nuns would be a far worse place. The nuns that I know are much too humble to tout their achievements and all of the good they contribute to society, but make no mistake, they are an integral part of the fabric that holds our civilization together.

In 2014 there were just 49,883 religious Catholic sisters in the United States, down 13% percent from 2010 according to figures from the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate. To put it in greater perspective, that is a 72% decline since 1965.

Because nuns don’t brag about all of the good that they do or hashtag how awesome they are on Facebook, many people have no idea about the things they accomplish on a daily basis.

You probably haven’t heard about Sister Joan Dawber. Sister Joan, a Sister of Charity of Halifax, runs a safe house in Queens for victims of human trafficking—former sex and labor slaves. She takes these women in when they have no one else to protect them and risks her life to help them rebuild theirs.

About 20 minutes away by car from Sister Joan’s safe house, Sister Tesa Fitzgerald works tirelessly to raise the children of mothers who are incarcerated. When those women get out of prison Sister Tesa helps them get clothes, jobs and an apartment. Those women credit Tesa with nothing less than saving their lives.

Most people don’t know about Sister Nora Nash, a Franciscan Sister who lives just outside of Philadelphia. As her order’s Director of Corporate Social Responsibility, Sister Nora wakes up every single morning determined to make corporations more responsible to the human race. Sister Nora and her assistant director, Tom McCaney have taken to task the grocery store chain Kroger over the rights of farm workers, Hershey’s chocolate company over child labor, McDonald’s over childhood obesity, Walmart on raising their minimum wage and Wells Fargo over predatory lending practices. Nash wakes up every single morning determined to make corporations more responsible to the human race. Then she follows through on it.

For more than four decades Sister Jeannine Gramick has been tireless in her fight for gay rights through her organization New Ways, despite coming under intense scrutiny from the Vatican.

Sister Dianna Ortiz made headlines in 1989 when she was abducted, tortured and raped while working as a teacher in Guatemala. After living through that horror, instead of allowing herself to sink into a terrible depression, she headed up an organization to help thousands of torture survivors around the globe find the will to keep living.

It’s a problem that you haven’t heard about these women. You would think that, during a time when the Church has suffered from great criticism and weathered very public scandals, it would be celebrating these incredible achievements. Think again.

The Vatican doesn’t celebrate these women. In fact, it has done the very opposite. Attacks on American nuns have been happening since 2008, when the Vatican’s Congregation for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life initiated an “Apostolic Visitation,” a euphemism for investigation, of the nuns.

To put it in perspective, previous “visitations” conducted by the Church were designed to investigate things like the priest sex abuse scandal.

The nuns nicknamed it the Great Nunquisition and in the past eight years they’ve come under scrutiny from the church patriarchy.

A 2012 Vatican document highlighted the Church’s problem with the Leadership Council of Women Religious, the largest group of nuns in the United States. The document claimed that the LCWR was “silent on the right to life from conception to natural death” and that Roman Catholic views on the family and human sexuality “are not part of the LCWR agenda in a way that promotes church teachings.”

Today’s nuns are simply too progressive for the Vatican. The Vatican chooses not to celebrate nuns and it chooses not to empower them.

Pope Francis has been hailed as a progressive icon. Yet on the subject of women in the Church, he remains loyal to a long-held and antiquated stance: he doesn’t think women should become priests.

Nuns are dying out because their population is aging and young women are not joining their ranks in the numbers they once did.

The young women who could be the nuns of tomorrow share a lot of the same values as the nuns of today. They are fiercely dedicated to the concept of social justice and doing good in the world. Seven in 10 millennials consider themselves social activists, and 72% of them are eager to participate in a nonprofit young professional group.

They want to be of service.

I recently spoke to a young woman who was discerning to be a Catholic sister, but changed her mind before she took perpetual vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.

I asked her why and the answer was very simple and yet disheartening.

“I want to work for an employer that values what I do.”

She plans to work for an NGO. She wanted to be of service to the world, but she also wanted to feel empowered in her job.

Why would a generation of young women raised to believe that they can be anything join an institution that tells them there is something they absolutely cannot be, that there is a certain level they will never reach? Many of the women who are nuns today joined the vocation because it was a way to become highly educated, travel the world and dedicate themselves to a higher good without being beholden to a husband or children.

Young women today can do that with a passport and a Kickstarter account.

I am constantly reminded of something Sister Maureen Fiedler, a feminist and the host of the public radio program Interfaith Voices told me when I interviewed her for my book: the fact that Jesus was, and is, an “equal-opportunity employer.” He loved everyone the same.

If Catholic nuns are to survive in this country, something has to give. The Vatican needs to treat the nuns with more respect. The rules will have to evolve. Women will need to be given more power and leadership roles in the church.

Speaking at the annual LCWR assembly earlier this month, Franciscan Sister Ilia Delio described exactly what it means to be a nun today: “We are about drawing in the poor, the lonely, the marginalized, all those seeking to be part of a whole,” she said. “This is nothing more and nothing less than the most awesome vocation.

It is awesome. The nuns are awesome. But if the Vatican doesn’t start treating them as such, there is no incentive for more young women to aspire to join their ranks.

Jo Piazza is the author of the new book, If Nuns Ruled the World, which shatters the stereotypes of American Catholic nuns and profiles 10 daring sisters. A veteran journalist whose work has appeared in the Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, Slate, the Daily Beast and Yahoo, Piazza holds a masters degree in Religious Studies from New York University.

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