TIME satire


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Sarah Miller is a writer and humorist

(Oh my god what true feminism)

This is an imagined account of a day in the life of John Greathouse, an investor, serial entrepreneur and author of a recent blog post for the Wall Street Journal suggesting that women in the tech industry go by their initials so as to avoid possible gender discrimination from potential investors and employers. With this counsel, this diary places initials anywhere a description of something Greathouse might say or do could potentially identify H (his) own gender, M (male).

I woke up this morning and AUIHABI (as usual I had a brilliant idea).

“Wow,” I said, to myself, “JG, YAAAP (John Greathouse, you are an amazing person)!”

I made myself a PSFARCBMFLGTF (protein shake from a recipe created by my favorite lifestyle guru Tim Ferriss) and then got into my TTASPNECS (2016 Porsche 911 Carrera S), which I am hoping will help me deal with my TMLC (tragic mid-life crisis). ITALOP (I tailgated a lot of people) on the freeway because IFLT (I frickin’ love tailgating).

It is always such a pleasure to arrive at this FNDOPISTIAL (formerly non-descript office park I singlehandedly turned into a landmark). I parked in my special space reserved for OEWES-R (overpaid executives with enormous self-regard).

“Coffee please, with fat-free organic half and half and two Splenda,” IBAMA, YS (I barked at my attractive, youthful secretary) and after GCNTSU (giving curt nods to selected underlings) sat down at my EG-TDCWPOMAMWPGIE, MF, L (enormous glass-topped desk covered with pictures of myself and my wife playing golf in expensive, mostly foreign, locations).

Every morning I turn my phone off for a few hours to GMACTEII, O-O-T-BT (give myself a chance to engage in innovative, out-of-the-box thinking). Because I had started out today with WIWPSWAM-DI (what I was pretty sure was a million-dollar idea), I had a lot of adrenaline. So I had to PMFUOALO (put my feet up on a leather ottoman) for a few minutes and S-SWATM (self-soothe with a temple massage).

I thought back to when I went through my first round of venture capital funding, with my very first company and we HOGOTVFT (hit our goals on the very first try). I like to think back to that moment sometimes because ROPSAHMMFTFS (reflecting on past success always helps me move forward to further success).

At this point it was pretty much time for lunch, and I assembled the SMAOW (several men and one woman) who make up my team. Over a delicious meal IBTFFOAHBOF, CAP (inspired by Tim Ferriss’ focus on a healthful balance of fats, carbs and protein), the team and I talked about TTAITM (things that are important to me). In other words, IE, AIHMTB, MPOL (I explained, as I have many times before, my philosophy of life).

It goes something like this:

ASPOPIEF-MSGTJFEE. TPWCTJASOTF. TWOHAPTUUPWRE. (TIOSTS, “… UP, RE.” MSF!) W? TDIBTHT, BTADTCSFN. JG.CHCTPOCIA. (A small percentage of people in each free-market society generate the jobs for everyone else. The people who create these jobs are solidly on The Fringe. They work outrageous hours and put themselves under untold pressure without risking everything. (That is obviously supposed to read, “… untold pressure, risking everything.” My secretary’s fault!) Why? They do it because they have to, because they are driven to create something from nothing. JohnGreathouse.com helps convert this power of compulsion into achievement.)

YCRT, AMAM, OMW (You can read this, and more about me, on my website).

ITMTMGIATALI, AU (I told my team my great idea and they all loved it, as usual).

As I got into bed, it crossed my mind that “power of compulsion” might mean absolutely nothing. Then I shrugged, and said to myself, “IWI, SIMMS (I wrote it, so it must mean something)!” and fell into dreamless sleep.

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