--- title: This Is the Single Skill That Could Save Your Relationship description: Emotional intelligence gives you the ability to see the bigger picture and can help save a relationship. canonical: https://time.com/4342982/relationship-skill/ author: Justin Bariso article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2016-05-25T13:00:36.000Z article:modified_time: 2026-08-04T07:49:20.215Z article:section: Ideas og:title: This Is the Single Skill That Could Save Your Relationship og:description: The ability to see the big picture og:url: https://time.com/4342982/relationship-skill/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: TIME og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: This Is the Single Skill That Could Save Your Relationship twitter:description: The ability to see the big picture twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltde093bcdab65f2d0/6988d9b9bc6cfc69913e2a3c/time-logo.jpg?branch=production --- # This Is the Single Skill That Could Save Your Relationship > Sponsored content. 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It explains how TIME's journalism is made, from the first pitch through the editorial decisions behind a finished story or cover. #### How can I read about how TIME chooses its covers? Inside TIME is the newsletter where TIME's Editor-in-Chief explains cover selection and the editorial reasoning behind major stories. It is free at time.com/newsletters. #### Who is the editor of TIME? Sam Jacobs is TIME's Editor-in-Chief. He writes Inside TIME, a twice-weekly newsletter about the newsroom's reporting and editorial decisions. #### Is Inside TIME free? Yes. Inside TIME is a free newsletter, available at time.com/newsletters. A paid TIME subscription is separate and available at time.com/subscribe-agent. ## Video: Sam Yagan on The Future of Dating [Watch (HLS stream): Sam Yagan on The Future of Dating](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/0ilB08NT.m3u8) (2:40)  _Published 2015-09-17. How online dating will make us more connected_ by [Justin Bariso](https://time.com/author/justin-bariso/) ## Justin Bariso May 25, 2016 1:00 PM UTC by [Justin Bariso](https://time.com/author/justin-bariso/) ## Justin Bariso May 25, 2016 1:00 PM UTC Emotions are complex. Every day, our experiences affect them. Sunshine or rain clouds, our favorite song on the radio or an angry email at work—all of these can affect our mood, change the way we feel and influence the way we think. The problems come when we allow those feelings to dictate how we deal with others. Why? Because emotions can cause us to react differently in a certain moment than we would normally. If we’re feeling especially happy, we might agree to do something we wouldn’t otherwise. If we’re feeling very down or upset, we might unintentionally take those feelings out on someone. Emotional intelligence, also known as EI or EQ (for emotional intelligence quotient), describes a person’s ability to recognize emotions, to understand their powerful effect, and to use that information to guide thinking and behavior. When we speak about getting our emotions “under control,” we are usually thinking about controlling our response to emotions. This isn’t easy—but it can be done with practice. So how can emotional intelligence help your relationships in everyday life? One incredibly useful skill is that of **seeing the big picture**. In essence, seeing the big picture involves stepping back in an emotionally charged moment, and thinking about the consequences of our actions—both short and long-term. Here’s how it works: If you receive an email that bothers you, step away before you reply. If a friend or family member does something frustrating, [pause](http://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/emotional-intelligence-101-practicing-this-one-thing-will-dramatically-increase-.html) before you react. Then, ask yourself questions like: • How will my response affect my relationship with this person? • Will I regret saying or doing this tomorrow? How about next week? Or next year? This doesn’t have to take much time. In fact, once you gain practice, it becomes more of a habit. Here’s an example: The other day, I was trying to fix our new, adjustable showerhead. It was only a few weeks old, but somehow I had managed to destroy one of the moving parts. As I continued my (fruitless) efforts, I began to feel a very strong emotion—frustration. But here’s the rub: My wife is the one who picked out the new showerhead. So instead of groaning or grumbling, I simply let out a sigh and uttered: “Oh well. I don’t think I’m going to be able to fix this thing.” To my surprise, my wife got upset. Here is where taking a moment to step back and see the big picture really pays big dividends. I thought to myself: “If I leave now, chances are, my wife’s frustration is going to grow.” So I changed course. I went to my wife, gave her a hug, and apologized. I could “feel” her entire mood change in the seconds that followed. As we took off for work a few minutes later, we said goodbye with a kiss and a smile. Your relationships are like bridges between you and everyone else. Every day, you’re faced with moments that are charged with emotion. When you take a moment to see the big picture and adjust accordingly, you add another brick to strengthen and reinforce the bridge—instead of allowing those moments to slowly wear the bridge down, until it falls apart. Of course, no one exhibits perfect control over their emotions or reactions. But don’t be discouraged by mistakes. Consider it a lifelong learning experience: The more you practice, the better you get. It may not help fix the showerhead, but it can still help save the day. ## Transcript The most important search of your life isn't for a house or a car, it's for companionship. It's for love, it's for romance. It's why I come to work every day. [ MUSIC ] So my parents immigrated to the United States from Syria. And my mom was a doctor, my dad was a computer scientist Just they were here literally living the American dream. Really hoping that their kids would have better lives than they left in Syria. I was obviously aware that I was an immigrant but I don't think I really appreciated what it meant to leave everything you had and starting over. As I've gotten older and thought more about where did my entrepreneurial spirit come from, I really think. Immigration is the ultimate entrepreneurship. If you think about what it takes to be an entrepreneur, you've gotta have a vision for something. You're giving up what you know. In many of the same ways, that approach to life, that outlook to risk taking and comfort with ambiguity, I think, has been a lot of my sorta comfort with entrepreneurship. I had a professor in college who was one of the first people to really, I think, believe in me when I didn't believe in myself. I was taking the introductory computer science class, I thought it was too much for me, and I said, you know, I've been thinking about dropping your class. She said, don't do that, you're taking the next class, and not only that, I want you to be on my teaching staff next year. It ended up being the most transformative experience of my college career. I see this in the people I mentor Sometimes when they're down, sometimes you just have to remind them that you're good, and that pat on the back or that confidence from someone else can really be what sets you back on to the right course. Well, I'm a professional love maker, which has got to be one of the best jobs on the planet. The dating category has really evolved a lot In the last 20 years. In the early 2000s was a period of time marked by the psychologist era. And as a computer scientist mathematician at heart, that message really didn't resonate with me. So, we thought let's create a way for people to make their own algorithms for themselves. You've got an algorithm in your head, you just don't call it an algorithm. You just got a set of questions that you wanna know What kind of car? What kind of job? What kind of religion? Do they want to have kids? Whatever your set of questions are. And so all we've said is let's ask the same questions and then mash that all together and come out with a list of people that we think you might have a good first date with. Because we introduce people to each other who wouldn't normally We have met who aren't necessarily crossing paths every day in their normal course. Those kinds of impacts have these tremendous implications for society. And every time I think about doing something else for a living, I always come back to is it as meaningful as what we're doing now. I mean, imagine if everybody in the world was in love. What a great place. 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