How Birth Order Will Shape the New Royal Princess

6 minute read
Ideas
Updated: | Originally published: ;
Jeffrey Kluger is an editor at large at TIME. He covers space, climate, and science. He is the author of 12 books, including Apollo 13, which served as the basis for the 1995 film, and was nominated for an Emmy Award for TIME's series A Year in Space.

Dear Royal Princess:

You’re having some kind of week—what with labor and birth and the entire planet waiting for pictures of you so they can smile and swoon and make strange smoochy noises at the mere sight of you. It’s all good, and the last thing I want to be is the skunk at the monarchical picnic, but there’s one detail folks may have neglected to mention and you might as well learn about it now. His name is George—or Georgie as all those smoochy people call him—and he’s got plans for you.

George is your big brother. He’s only 20 months old and the world finds him adorable, but you won’t—for a lot of reasons. For starters, at some point in your childhood he will sit on your head. Actually, at a lot of points in your childhood he will sit on your head—and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

The main problem with George is not that he’s third in line to the throne and you’re fourth. That just happens to be one of the downsides of your family business. The problem is one that’s familiar to the rest of us serfs and colonists: he’s the first born, and you’re not.

Your mom and your dad—lovely people, by all accounts—are no different from other parents when it comes to baby-making; they’re ruled by their genes and genes are greedy. The only thing they want is to be reproduced over and over and over again. That makes moms and dads want to have lots of babies, which is good, but they don’t treat all those babies exactly the same.

The first-born—Georgie in your case—gets a head start on food, attention, medical care, education and more. Before the second-born—you, in your case—even comes along, that makes the big sibling a better bet to survive childhood, grow up and have babies of his own, which makes the genes smile. In your family, of course, there’s plenty of food, money and other resources to go around, but back in the days of one of your many royal grandpas—let’s say Edward III, who had the rotten luck to be in office in 1348 when the black plague was making its rounds—surviving childhood wasn’t such a sure thing.

So moms and dads, who have already invested a lot of resources in the first born, tend to favor that child, with later ones getting what’s left over. Corporations call this sunk costs (you’ll learn about this at Eton). In the case of the monarchy, it’s called “an heir and a spare”—but you didn’t hear that from me.

This is an arrangement that suits that first product just fine, which is why big brothers and sisters tend to play by the rules. Your job—and the job of any littler royals who may come along after you—will be to try to upset that order. It’s why later-borns tend to be more rebellious and to take more risks than first-borns. You’ll be likelier to play extreme sports than big bro George. Even if you and he play the same sports, you’ll choose a more physical position—say, a catcher instead of a pitcher in baseball (which is a sport like cricket except the bat is thinner and the ball moves faster and there’s this thing called the infield fly rule and…never mind). In the event you ever become Ruler of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of other Realms and Territories around the world—and a whole lot would have to go wrong in your family for that to happen, so don’t start getting measured for the cape yet—you’d be a more liberal, less conventional monarch than your big bro will be.

Later-borns are more inclined to be artists too, and if there is a comedian in the family, it’s likeliest to be the very last-born. This makes sense, since when you’re the smallest person in the nursery, you are in constant risk of getting clocked by someone bigger, so you learn to disarm with humor.

As you get older, other perils await—ones that are especially problematic for royal families. You don’t really know your grandpa Charles yet, but you’ll find he’s a pretty well-behaved guy (OK, there was the thing with grandmum Camilla, but that’s for him to explain to you). The same is true of your dad. How come? Because they’re both going to be king one day.

As for your Uncle Harry? Ask him about what he wears to Halloween parties (not good) or to play pool in Las Vegas hotel rooms (not much). And if he hasn’t always been the picture of royal reserve, well, neither have your great-grandpa Phillip or your great uncle Andrew. (One day, ask Uncle Andy about a special friend of his named Miss Stark—and if you really want to get a laugh, call her Auntie Koo.) That’s what comes from having lots of money, too much free time, and being really, really close to the throne but never getting to sit on it.

In fairness, it’s not just you royals who get up to mischief when a big sib is the star and you’re not. Something similar has happened here in the colonies. Ever heard of Donald Nixon or Billy Carter or Roger Clinton or Neil Bush? Probably not, but trust me, don’t be those guys.

None of this is for you to worry about yet. Even royal babies are just babies, so for now sleep in, fatten up and hang with mom as much as you can—especially if it keeps your dad away from her. Trust me, the middle-child gig is even worse.

Oh Baby: 121 Years Of Infant Royals On Camera

This was the last time a Queen met her greatgrandchild. In 1894, Queen Victoria holds the newly christened Prince Edward, later Edward VIII.
This was the last time a Queen met her greatgrandchild. In 1894, Queen Victoria holds the newly christened Prince Edward, later Edward VIII.Popperfoto/Getty Images
This tot, pictured in 1896, didn't expect to be king but when his elder brother Edward VIII abdicated, George VI took over.
This tot, pictured in 1896, didn't expect to be king but when his elder brother Edward VIII abdicated, George VI took over. Popperfoto/Getty Images
Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, born to the Scottish aristocracy in 1900, would become royal through marriage to the future George VI. Their eldest daughter is the current Queen.
Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, born to the Scottish aristocracy in 1900, would become royal through marriage to the future George VI. Their eldest daughter is the current Queen. Popperfoto/Getty Images
In 1926, as a tiny baby, Princess Elizabeth already displays the solemn face that she has deployed so often in her public duties since becoming Queen.
In 1926, as a tiny baby, Princess Elizabeth already displays the solemn face that she has deployed so often in her public duties since becoming Queen.Bob Thomas–Popperfoto/Getty Images
The naughty sister: the baby Princess Margaret, flanked by Princess Elizabeth and their mother, led a colorful life. Prevented from marrying her first love, a divorced commoner, she later married, and divorced, fashionable photographer Antony Armstrong-Jones.
The naughty sister: the baby Princess Margaret, flanked by Princess Elizabeth and their mother, led a colorful life. Prevented from marrying her first love, a divorced commoner, she later married, and divorced, fashionable photographer Antony Armstrong-Jones. Popperfoto/Getty Images
Before Princes Charles was born in 1948, his grandfather King George VI did away with a long-held custom that demanded the Home Secretary be present at royal births. Here Charles is pictured with his mother, at that stage still Princess Elizabeth.
Before Princes Charles was born in 1948, his grandfather King George VI did away with a long-held custom that demanded the Home Secretary be present at royal births. Here Charles is pictured with his mother, at that stage still Princess Elizabeth. AP
Princess Anne, second child of Princess Elizabeth and Prince Philip, pictured at her 1950 christening, must have been born with horse sense. She won a gold and two silver medals at European equestrian competitions and rode for the U.K. in the 1976 Olympics.
Princess Anne, second child of Princess Elizabeth and Prince Philip, pictured at her 1950 christening, must have been born with horse sense. She won a gold and two silver medals at European equestrian competitions and rode for the U.K. in the 1976 Olympics.Fox Photos/Getty Images
She already had an heir. Here's Queen Elizabeth with the spare: a chubby, 6-month-old Prince Andrew, in the grounds of Balmoral Castle, Scotland in 1960.
She already had an heir. Here's Queen Elizabeth with the spare: a chubby, 6-month-old Prince Andrew, in the grounds of Balmoral Castle, Scotland in 1960.AP
This 1964 snap of Prince Edward in his cot, with brother Andrew and his mother, the Queen, already suggests an interest in what's going on behind the camera. He went on to found a TV production company in 1993.
This 1964 snap of Prince Edward in his cot, with brother Andrew and his mother, the Queen, already suggests an interest in what's going on behind the camera. He went on to found a TV production company in 1993.AP
The Queen admires her first grandchild, Peter Phillips, at Balmoral Castle in November 1977. Peter's mother, Princess Anne, declined royal titles for both of her children.
The Queen admires her first grandchild, Peter Phillips, at Balmoral Castle in November 1977. Peter's mother, Princess Anne, declined royal titles for both of her children.Anwar Hussein
Zara Tindall, née Phillips has become a top flight equestrian, like mom Princess Anne. Pictured here in 1981, mother and daughter were much photographed at the 2012 Olympics when Anne presented Zara with a silver medal.
Zara Tindall, née Phillips has become a top flight equestrian, like mom Princess Anne. Pictured here in 1981, mother and daughter were much photographed at the 2012 Olympics when Anne presented Zara with a silver medal.Lichfield–Getty Images
"And one day you will marry a beautiful Princess called Kate." Prince William looks to the future, in 1983.
"And one day you will marry a beautiful Princess called Kate." Prince William looks to the future, in 1983.Tim Graham–Getty Images
Prince Harry, aged 9 months, watches a military parade with his mother Diana, Princess of Wales, and brother William, in 1985.
Prince Harry, aged 9 months, watches a military parade with his mother Diana, Princess of Wales, and brother William, in 1985. Roy Letkey–Reuters
The spitting image of her dad Prince Andrew, but for the red hair inherited from mother Sarah, Duchess of York, Princess Beatrice looks pensive at her 1988 christening.
The spitting image of her dad Prince Andrew, but for the red hair inherited from mother Sarah, Duchess of York, Princess Beatrice looks pensive at her 1988 christening.Tim Graham–Getty Images
Another addition to the house of York: Princess Eugenie, with her mother Sarah, at her christening in 1990.
Another addition to the house of York: Princess Eugenie, with her mother Sarah, at her christening in 1990. Bill Allen–AP
Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, his wife Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, with their newborn baby boy, Prince George of Cambridge, Tilly the retriever, left, a Middleton family pet and Lupo, the couple's cocker spaniel, right, at the Middleton family home in Bucklebury, Berkshire, in early August, 2013.
Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, his wife Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, with their newborn baby boy, Prince George of Cambridge, Tilly the retriever, left, a Middleton family pet and Lupo, the couple's cocker spaniel, right, at the Middleton family home in Bucklebury, Berkshire, in early August, 2013. Michael Middleton–AFP/Getty Images
Prince George and his sister Princess Charlotte at Anmer Hall in Norfolk, Britain, mid-May 2015.
Prince George and his sister Princess Charlotte at Anmer Hall in Norfolk, Britain, mid-May 2015. HRH The Duchess of Cambridge

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