--- description: We all have to deal with our share of hotheads and crazies. What does research say works with them? First off, you can’t get angry... title: Here’s the Secret to Communicating With Irrational, Angry or Crazy People image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/bltc9a8a41b4efa9650/698866c03c163957cf45a0f3/crazy-people.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  * [Ideas](/section/ideas/) ## Ideas Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close * [Psychology](/tag/psychology/) ## Psychology Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # Here’s the Secret to Communicating With Irrational, Angry or Crazy People by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Dec 17, 2014 5:01 AM CUT  1960s FRUSTRATED YOUNG... 1960s FRUSTRATED YOUNG...Getty Images by [Eric Barker](/author/eric-barker/) ## Eric Barker Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Dec 17, 2014 5:01 AM CUT We all have to deal with our share of hotheads and crazies. What does research say works with them? First off, you can’t get angry too. Because then there are two crazy people arguing. While very entertaining to onlookers, this doesn’t accomplish much. Tell yourself they are having a bad day and [that it’s not about you](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/11/how-can-you-deal-with-angry-people-without-lo/ "undefined"): --- > “” --- They’re being crazy. You’ll want to shut them up or talk over them. Don’t. It’s a natural reaction [but it doesn’t work](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/11/what-are-5-effective-methods-for-dealing-with/ "undefined"). They don’t think they’re wrong. They’ll just interpret it as a status game where you’re trying to win. Stop being so sure you’re right and listen. But here’s the important part: _just shutting up is not enough._ **_Listening isn’t just listening. It’s letting the other person know you’re listening._** This is “[active listening](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/how-to-quickly-and-easily-improve-your-listen "undefined").” Keep in mind that good listening is “non-evaluative.” Don’t judge or analyze what the person is saying at first. Just focus on trying to understand their perspective. It has three components: paraphrasing, inquiry and acknowledgment: **• Paraphrase:** “It sounds as if you’re satisfied with our component overall. But if I understand correctly, you need me to assure you that we can increase production if large orders come in. You’re also concerned about our proposed per-unit price and our willingness to work with you to create an acceptable arrangement. Have I captured your main points?” **• Inquire:** “You mentioned that you found our proposed price to be unacceptable. Help me understand how you came to this conclusion. Let’s also talk about how we might set up a pricing structure that you find more reasonable.” ### 5 Horrible Habits You Need to Stop Right Now  Do Not Email First Thing in the Morning or Last Thing at Night “The former scrambles your priorities and all your plans for the day and the latter just gives you insomnia,” says Ferriss, who insists “email can wait until 10am” or after you check off at least one substantive to-do list item. Chris Pecoraro—Getty Images  Do Not Agree to Meetings or Calls With No Clear Agenda or End Time “If the desired outcome is defined clearly… and there’s an agenda listing topics–questions to cover–no meeting or call should last more than 30 minutes,” claims Ferriss, so “request them in advance so you can ‘best prepare and make good use of our time together.'” Sam Edwards—Getty Images/Caiaimage  Do Not Check Email Constantly Batch it and check it only periodically at set times (Ferriss goes for twice a day). Your inbox is analogous to a cocaine pellet dispenser, says Ferriss. Don’t be an addict. Tools like strategic use of the auto responder and Boomerang can help. Jetta Productions—Getty Images  Do Not Carry a Digital Leash 24/7 At least one day a week leave you smartphone somewhere where you can’t get easy access to it. If you’re gasping, you’re probably the type of person that most needs to do kick this particular habit. by nacoki ( MEDIA ARC )—Getty Images/Flickr RF  Do Not Let People Ramble Sounds harsh, but it’s necessary, Ferriss believes. “Small talk takes up big time,” he says, so when people start to tell you about their weekends, cut them off politely with something like “I’m in the middle of something, but what’s up?” But be aware, not everyone agrees with this one (and certainly not in every situation), and you may want to pay particularly close attention to norms around chit chat when traveling internationally. Reza Estakhrian—Getty Images **• Acknowledge:** “It sounds as if you’re quite disappointed with various elements of our proposal, so much so that you have serious concerns about whether we’ll be able to work together over the long haul.” Active listening is the first thing [FBI hostage negotiators](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/06/hostage-negotiation/ "undefined") use to de-escalate incidents and save lives. --- > “” --- It’s not all in your words. Body language is vital. Via [The Most Human Human: What Artificial Intelligence Teaches Us About Being Alive](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307476707/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- You don’t want to have serious arguments via email or phone. Communicating via email makes you [more likely to act like a jerk](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/does-email-turn-you-into-an-asshole "undefined"). You [lie more](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/do-we-lie-more-when-we-text-which-medium-make "undefined") via text message. Steven Johnson suggests that by stripping away the emotional information in faces and intonation, email and text messaging might be simulating autism. Via [Mind Wide Open: Your Brain and the Neuroscience of Everyday Life](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743241665/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0743241665&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined"): --- > “” --- If you can’t just listen and need to reply to a direct question, what should you say? You have to make sure you get out of your head and see where they’re coming from if you don’t want them to just blow up again. In [Words That Work](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401309291/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1401309291&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined") political expert Frank Luntz gives a pithy but powerful line: --- > “” --- You may have to deal with someone who does this on a regular basis. What’s important to remember is **you need to ignore the anger and hysterics. Don’t reward them. Give positive reinforcement only when they calm down.** In Karen Pryor’s book [Don’t Shoot the Dog!: The New Art of Teaching and Training](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553380397/ref=as%5Fli%5Fss%5Ftl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0553380397&linkCode=as2&tag=spacforrent-20 "undefined") she explains the fundamentals of behavior change. And these methods are effective whether the subject is a dog, a dolphin or your neighbor, Larry. A good strategy she uses is to **positively reinforce anything and everything that is not the undesired behavior**. In fact, she used this technique to get her mom to stop complaining: --- > “” --- (If it can stop a mom from complaining, it’s pretty powerful.) **_This piece originally appeared on_** [**_Barking Up the Wrong Tree_**](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/12/wh/ "undefined")**_._** **Join over 140,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email** [**here**](http://eepurl.com/o6uAD "undefined")**.** Related posts: [How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done – 5 Expert Tips](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/08/how-to-stop-being-lazy/ "undefined") [6 Things The Most Productive People Do Every Day](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/06/most-productive-people/ "undefined") [New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful](http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/09/be-more-successful/ "undefined") _Read next:_ [_10 Types of People You Should Avoid for Your Personal Sanity_](http://time.com/3699607/people-types-avoid-healthy-workplace/?xid=time%5Freadnext "undefined") [_Listen to the most important stories of the day._](http://time.com/newsletter/the-brief/?sl%5Fautoplay=true&xid=spl-fullbrief-article "undefined") ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"OpinionNewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/3636734/communicate-with-irrational-people/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/3636734/communicate-with-irrational-people/"},"headline":"Here’s the Secret to Communicating With Irrational, Angry or Crazy People","datePublished":"2014-12-17T05:01:21.000Z","dateModified":"2026-05-11T04:49:45.438Z","description":"We all have to deal with our share of hotheads and crazies. 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