If Disney made a movie about Princess Kate’s life so far, the plot wouldn’t quite match those of Mulan or Beauty and the Beast or Frozen. Instead of enduring the usual trials, our spunky heroine has had to undergo the torment of tedious speeches, overcome the injustice of walking along receiving lines behind her spouse for hours in heels and brave her way through hundreds of face-to-face meetings with overly excited strangers who think they know her and who have terrible breath.
Not very cinematic.
But Kate and William’s upcoming visit to the U.S. could bring a little zing and contemporary color to the storyline, if treated right. Here’s how it might play out, using only the actual events on the royal couple’s schedule: Kate, one of those zany modern princesses with a degree, is pining after her old college days before she had a kid, or her ribbon-citting job, or a staff of personal dressers or her own coat of arms. So, when she hears that St. Andrews University is having its 600th anniversary in New York City — because, you know, after the first 599 years, Fife, Scotland can feel a little samey — she jumps at the chance to go.
Who wouldn’t want a trip away from the toddler and the palaces and the personal equerries — a last hurrah before the next heir to the throne arrives? But since she’s just a young mum working for her in-laws, there’s no way she could justify such an extravagance. (Cue the parsimonious P.M., naysaying all her plans.)
So Princess Kate’s husband, the relatably average-looking Prince William, who lost his beautiful mother at a young age and whose father spent his best years waiting in vain to ascend the throne (John Lasseter, you writing this down?), comes to the rescue. He figures he can wangle a business trip that will take them to the U.S. at the same time. Just like when that Scottish princess entered the archery contest so she could marry herself in Brave; devious, but all in the cause of freedom.
Sure enough there’s some corruption summit in Washington, D.C., that William has to slip away to, but Princess Kate can stay in New York City and do princessy things like meet the mayor’s wife and become besties with the old leader’s spunky daughter Chelsea, and have lunch with local townsfolk. For this montage, the Disney animators might want to create some lovable local New York City characters, like Enraged Guy on His Cell Phone and Woman Pushing All Her Belongings in a Stroller. And then when the Prince gets back they’re off to an NBA match, where casting agents could work in some celebrity cameos, like Lady Beyoncé and Lord Jay Z.
But this is the first visit of their Royal Highnesses to both New York City and Washington, D.C., so things can’t go completely smoothly. Just before they leave for their big occasion, there’s a horrible mishap. The limo taking them from their hotel on 60th Street (dear terrorists, please note I don’t actually know where they’re staying) to the ball-slash-college gala on 80th Street gets horribly lost, so they have to ride the subway. Luckily Woman Pushing All Her Belongings is there and she gets them on the C train safely, although they have to change at Columbus Circle because there’s track work.
The college reunion is a great success, even though there is no keg (after the unfortunate incident during the 354th St. Andrews get-together). But when the limo finally shows up to take them back, the Princess has a fracas with the paparazzi, loses her stiletto and steps in broken glass. Disaster! The emergency room will not take her NHS, so William saves the day — again! He’s King material! — by paying $4,000 for an X-ray and $5 for a Band-Aid.
Princess Kate might not be the most popular in the Disney line, but at least she’ll give other little girls an idea of what being a princess is really like.