![Robin Williams found dead at his home in California Robin Williams wears a camouflage jacket while entertaining a cheering crowd of US troops as part of a United Service Organiztions (USO) Holiday Tour at the International Airport in Baghdad, Dec. 16, 2003.](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/robin-williams-us-army-uso.jpg?quality=85&w=2400)
I remember running through the house, quickly opening a bedroom door to make sure my husband wasn’t choking or having a stroke. His screams and squeals could be heard throughout our entire place.
I found him, lying on the floor, in front of the TV gasping for air. On the screen above him was a paused image featuring Robin Williams’ face screwed up in a comedic expression. My husband was laughing and coughing, desperately wiping tears from his eyes.
“You”—gasp!—“have to”—cough!—“watch this”—howl!
He rewound to the start of the segment. Robin Williams was making fun of Scotland. And educating the audience. About golf. I don’t know if it is his accent, the reckless and wild use of the f-bomb, or simply the fact that he hits the nail completely on the head, but before long our three children were coming to make sure their parents weren’t choking. Or having a stroke. A stroke. Get it?
It was only a few years later that my laughing, hysterical husband would succumb to the same illness that Robin Williams did Monday. From the beginning, I have chosen to be honest about my husband’s struggle with depression, and his eventual death by suicide. As the news broke about Williams’ death Monday, my heart broke for his family. And for him.
![](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/dc00034.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
You see, my husband Mike was funny, too, and often laughing. He saw the humor in the mundane and he could disarm those around him with humor.
Robin Williams is one of those actors that made us believe. He made us believe he was a teacher, a therapist and Peter Pan. He made us believe that if you just paid attention, this world was something to be open to, armed with laughter. I think it’s fair to say that until Monday night, when most of us talked about him, we didn’t discuss his struggle with addiction. I’m betting we never paused to wonder if it was rooted in anything other than fame.
We never stopped to ponder whether this heartfelt, hilarious man was battling depression. That’s why I’m grateful for the expert on CNN who kept referring to the “brain disease” that took Robin Williams’ life.
Since my husband died in March 2012, I’ve worked hard to remind people that untreated depression can kill. And depression does not always announce itself to friends, neighbors, co-workers and fans. Depression can be a silent killer—with often only a family member or two struggling to find the right balance of love and medical support to help their loved one through.
Robin Williams has left me with one final smile. Because of who he was, because of what he meant to so many and because he was one of the finest entertainers to ever walk this planet, Robin Williams has broken through the stigma surrounding depression and suicide. There hasn’t been a global rush to judgment. I’ve (thankfully) yet to hear a single person refer to his choice as “selfish.”
Rather, there has been an overwhelming international response to his death as tragic—as the result of a disease. And as a great loss to those of us who already miss him. Just as I pictured my husband “on the other side,” baffled to discover how treasured he was by so many loved ones, friends and co-workers, I also picture Mr. Williams with tears in his eyes to discover that he was loved by the whole world. I just wish we’d had the chance to do more for him.
Today, I plan to curl up in front of the TV and remember two men who managed to capture my heart and make me laugh until someone had to come check on me. You are both loved. You are both missed. And we will continue to learn and grow in our understanding of how to treat depression because of both of you. Rest in peace, and laughter, Mr. Williams.
Please, if you, or someone you love, are depressed or thinking of ending your life for any reason, reach out. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. You will not be judged. You deserve to know you are loved.
Leslie McCaddon, the widow of Army Captain Michael McCaddon, is a mother of three and lives in Arizona.
Robin Williams' Life in Pictures
![Grab Cut Insert Cut F:PHOTOMediaFactory ActionsRequests DropBox29000#williamsRW 5.jpg Robin Williams life in pictures](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/robin-williams-life-in-pictures-04.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![F:PHOTOMediaFactory ActionsRequests DropBox40863#seth poppelRobinWilliams8thBasketball.jpg Robin Williams life in pictures](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/robin-williams-life-in-pictures-06.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![F:PHOTOMediaFactory ActionsRequests DropBox29000#williamsRW 6.jpg Robin Williams life in pictures](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/robin-williams-life-in-pictures-05.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![Robin Williams Popeye 1980 Robin Williams Popeye 1980](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/ap793067683876.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![San Francisco Comedians Robin Williams life in pictures](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/robin-williams-life-in-pictures-08.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![F:PHOTOMediaFactory ActionsRequests DropBox41969#getty105603031.jpg Robin Williams life in pictures](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/robin-williams-life-in-pictures-07.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![Grab Cut Insert Cut 8422901-109631.8362201 29749_CORBIS Robin Williams life in pictures](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/robin-williams-life-in-pictures-03.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![1D8481FD Robin Williams life in pictures](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/robin-williams-life-in-pictures-01.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![Robin Williams 1987 Robin Williams 1987](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/ap950579902945.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![MSDDEPO EC007 MSDDEPO EC007](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/309343_full.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![MSDHOOK EC003 MSDHOOK EC003](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/299947_full.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![M8DALAD EC007 M8DALAD EC007](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/96938_full.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![MSDMRDO EC017 MSDMRDO EC017](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/80705_full.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![MSDJUMA EC015 MSDJUMA EC015](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/297157_full.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![MSDGOWI EC016 MSDGOWI EC016](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/76623_full.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![MSDBIMA EC013 MSDBIMA EC013](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/316374_full.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![MCDNIAT FE019 MCDNIAT FE019](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/179238_full.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
![Robin Williams Death](https://api.time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/williams_005_la.jpg?quality=75&w=2400)
More Must-Reads from TIME
- Biden Drops Out of Presidential Race , Endorses Harris to Replace Him
- Why Biden Dropped Out
- The Chaos and Commotion of the RNC in Photos
- Why We All Have a Stake in Twisters’ Success
- 8 Eating Habits That Actually Improve Your Sleep
- Stop Feeling Bad About Sweating
- Welcome to the Noah Lyles Olympics
- Get Our Paris Olympics Newsletter in Your Inbox
Contact us at letters@time.com