It Would Involve Chilling Out, In a Sense

This is a tricky one, because most superpowers have hidden drawbacks people don’t think about.

Flight? No good, unless you also have invulnerability. Because if you’re going at any kind of useful speed, you’ll choke to death on the wind. Or die, if a bird flies through you.

Invisibility? As science has proved, if your eyeballs are invisible, you wouldn’t be able to see. So that’s worthless.

Invulnerability? Not if you want your sex organs to feel good when someone touches them.

Wall-crawling ability, like Spider Man? Maybe useful if you want to reach high cupboards. But I’m already tall. After the first day, how often am I going to really care about climbing up buildings? I’ll just take the elevator.

Super-speed? If you have it, everyone’s just going to want you to do super-speed chores for them. And, sure, you’re going fast to other people. But from your perspective, you’re doing all the boring chores at normal speed.

Reading minds? I have the Internet, and already know what people think about me.

Super-archery, like Hawkeye? Fun for five minutes. Any more than that, and you become the person your friends are embarrassed to invite to the party, like close-up magicians.

Heat vision? Not really interested, because microwaves exist.

But air-conditioning vision?

Considering I’m writing this in a stinky trailer, on a hot, summer day in Los Angeles? Yeah. That’s my pick.

Aukerman is a writer, comedian and the host of IFC’s Comedy Bang! Bang!

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