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# 5 Money Lessons From Stephen Colbert

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<!-- video src="https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/XN43sEut.m3u8" -->
## Video: 5 Money Lessons From Stephen Colbert

[Watch (HLS stream): 5 Money Lessons From Stephen Colbert](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/XN43sEut.m3u8) (2:14)

![5 Money Lessons From Stephen Colbert](https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/XN43sEut/poster.jpg?width=720)

_Published 2015-09-04. Over the years, Stephen Colbert has commented on money matters. Here are his top five money lessons._


---

Jul 27, 2023 6:46 PM UTC

---

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### Stephen Colbert Talks About 'Mr. Peabody and Sherman'

---


## Transcript

Welcome to the Report everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. [ APPLAUSE ] Thank you so much. [ APPLAUSE ] Stephen! Stephen! Stephen! Stephen! Here's what we know so far. At 11: 32 AM, all the computers at the New York Stock Exchange went dark. Do you understand that for nearly four hours, America's bankers had no idea how rich they were. Stock exchange, IT guys, my hat is off to you, or it would be if I wasn't using it to filter my urine. And think of the economic consequences here. If we put a woman on the $ 1 bill, it'll be worth only 70 $ 0. 07. [ APPLAUSE ] Plus think about this, i mean just from a moral point of view, if my wallet is filled with ladies, I can't keep it next to my ****.

I'm a married man. I think a contest is a great idea. But here's the thing. No one from Jeb's campaign asked me if this was okay with me to raise money off my first show. Where's my cut of that sweet 3 bucks governor? Huh? Where's this stuff? House gets his beak wet? Where's the vid gov? And, I'm sorry I'm yelling. But, again you're the one who put an exclamation mark at the end of your name. [ clapping ] Now, I'm already on the gold standard, folks and it works great. I'; l show you. Jay, Jay the Intern. Jay the Intern, everybody. Now Jay. [ APPLAUSE ] Did you go buy me my coffee? Yes. Okay. Four sugars, two and a half half and halfs.

Got it, all right. Now do you have change for this Ingots. Sir. It's three doubloons. Got it, okay. [ LAUGH ] It's two silver talents. It's a sapphire the size of a clovers egg. Thank you. [ LAUGH ] Half a bolt of Chinese silk, and 12 grams of the finest Iberian saffron. We're not so different, he and I. We both get it. We go straight from the gut. Did you know that you have more nerve endings in your gut, than you have in your head? You can look it up. [ MUSIC ] Now some of you are going to say I did look it up and that's not true. [ LAUGH } That's because you looked it up in a book.

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