--- description: We should negotiate whatever sex life works for us title: Monogamy Is an Option—Not a Default image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt29d536ce20fa613e/698862f58e06016d29462456/question-everything-monogamy-rachel-hills.jpg?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 --- Sep 11, 2015 # It's One Option—Not the Default by Rachel Hills  NEW YORK, NY - JULY 10: Actor Haley Joel Osment discusses his new series "The Spoils Before Dying" at AOL Studios In New York on July 10, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Adela Loconte/WireImage) NEW YORK, NY - JULY 10: Actor Haley Joel Osment discusses his new series "The Spoils Before Dying" at AOL Studios In New York on July 10, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Adela Loconte/WireImage)Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Mia Tramz for TIME If the recent Ashley Madison leaks and the FDA’s approval of new female desire drug Addyi prove one thing, it is that long term monogamy presents problems for a lot of men _and_ women. The idea that men crave sexual variety is deeply embedded in our psyches, but research shows that while men express disappointment when the quantity of sex in their relationship declines, a stagnant female libido tends to bounce back when the woman in question finds a new partner. Yet we live in a culture that tells us that a) great sex is essential to our health and happiness and b) that once we partner up, we should have sex with only one person for the rest of our lives. It’s not that monogamy is dead or never works – for many of us, it is still the preferred option. But we would also benefit from treating it as just that: an option rather than a default, and opening ourselves up to the possibility of negotiating the sex and relationship lives that work for us, rather than resorting to the panacea of a clandestine affair or a little pink pill. _Hills is the author of_ The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Reality ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"Article","@id":"https://time.com/collections/question-everything/4028152/rachel-hills-is-monogamy-over/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/collections/question-everything/4028152/rachel-hills-is-monogamy-over/"},"headline":"Monogamy Is an Option—Not a Default","datePublished":"2015-09-11T16:48:54.000Z","dateModified":"2026-03-02T23:08:32.446Z","description":"We should negotiate whatever sex life works for us","url":"https://time.com/collections/question-everything/4028152/rachel-hills-is-monogamy-over/","keywords":["Question Everything"],"thumbnailUrl":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt29d536ce20fa613e/698862f58e06016d29462456/question-everything-monogamy-rachel-hills.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","author":[{"@type":"Person","name":"TIME Staff","jobTitle":null,"url":"https://time.com/author/time-staff/"}],"creator":"TIME Staff","articleSection":"","image":[{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt29d536ce20fa613e/698862f58e06016d29462456/question-everything-monogamy-rachel-hills.jpg?branch=production&width=1200&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=1200:675&height=675","width":1200,"height":675}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Time","url":"https://time.com/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://time.com/images/logo.png","width":528,"height":156},"foundingDate":"March 3, 1923","sameAs":["https://www.facebook.com/time","https://www.instagram.com/time/?hl=en","https://twitter.com/time","https://www.pinterest.com/timemagazine"]}},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"https://time.com/collections/question-everything/4028152/rachel-hills-is-monogamy-over/","name":"Monogamy Is an Option—Not a Default"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"VideoObject","name":"Question Everything: Is Monogamy Obsolete?","description":"TIME hit the streets to ask New Yorkers several offbeat questions designed to provoke and prod the brain.","thumbnailUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/v2/media/wkRFSgkR/poster.jpg?width=720","uploadDate":"2015-09-18T14:45:46.000Z","contentUrl":"https://cdn.jwplayer.com/manifests/wkRFSgkR.m3u8","embedUrl":"https://time.com/collections/question-everything/4028152/rachel-hills-is-monogamy-over/","duration":"PT1M5S","potentialAction":{"@type":"SeekToAction","target":"https://time.com/collections/question-everything/4028152/rachel-hills-is-monogamy-over/?jw_start={seek_to_second_number}","startOffset-input":"required name=seek_to_second_number"}}] ```