--- title: The Challenges of Finding a Black Sperm Donor description: Conversations that strangers have with my wife and I about race are a distraction from what actually matters, writes Yseult P. Mukantabana. canonical: https://time.com/article/2026/04/03/the-challenges-of-finding-a-black-sperm-donor/ author: Yseult Polfliet Mukantabana article:opinion: true article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2026-04-08T04:07:00.167Z article:modified_time: 2026-05-13T06:52:18.631Z article:section: Ideas og:title: The Challenges of Finding a Black Sperm Donor og:description: Conversations that strangers have with my wife and I about race are a distraction from what actually matters, writes Yseult P. Mukantabana. og:url: https://time.com/article/2026/04/03/the-challenges-of-finding-a-black-sperm-donor/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4a1f6f8af221544d/69d3ddd6a552c2883015fec6/black-sperm-donor-challenges.jpg?branch=production&width=1024&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 1024 og:image:height: 576 og:image:alt: black-sperm-donor-challenges.jpg og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: The Challenges of Finding a Black Sperm Donor twitter:description: Conversations that strangers have with my wife and I about race are a distraction from what actually matters, writes Yseult P. Mukantabana. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt4a1f6f8af221544d/69d3ddd6a552c2883015fec6/black-sperm-donor-challenges.jpg?branch=production&width=1024&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  IDEAS Time ideas # The Challenges of Finding a Black Sperm Donor > Sponsored content. 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There is no cost and no subscription requirement. ### Sources * TIME Newsletters: [time.com/newsletters](/c/time-nl-network-2026q3/newsletters?i=a34966b4-dcd9-4a53-8ff1-0bd66d8769f3&cr=time-nl-network-2026q3-v1) by [Yseult Polfliet Mukantabana](https://time.com/author/yseult-p-mukantabana/) ## Yseult Polfliet Mukantabana Apr 8, 2026 4:07 AM UTC  Yoray Liberman—Getty Images by [Yseult Polfliet Mukantabana](https://time.com/author/yseult-p-mukantabana/) ## Yseult Polfliet Mukantabana Apr 8, 2026 4:07 AM UTC There is an unspoken hierarchy around which lives are considered worth bringing into the world. It has revealed itself to me in the conversations I’ve navigated about having a child as a Black lesbian, often surfacing through race, shifting the focus away from the kind of genuine connection and support I wish these conversations could hold—the kind that helps build the village we need for the children we hope to have. I've been in a relationship with my now wife for a few years, and in our first year of dating, we met each others’ friends. We were clear about wanting to have a child together, and mentioned this to the group. For context, my wife is from Guadeloupe and I am from Rwanda. We are both Black, and the room was white. Naturally, her friends followed up with questions: “Who is going to carry? Where will you do it?” And the infamous one: “Who will be your donor?” These questions are invasive. Even as someone who dissects and comments on cultural and racial dynamics, I’m still surprised by how casually racism seeps into interpersonal interactions, especially in moments when we’re simply spending time with some of our closest people. Each question feels like I’m being asked to remove a piece of clothing, a kind of mini striptease that leaves me exposed and unsettled. No one asks a straight couple how they conceived a child; doing so would be considered impolite, even creepy. Still, we explained that we had not found the donor yet, but ideally we wanted a Black donor so that our child is Black. The host asked, “But if you can choose from anyone from around the world, why a Black donor?” Calmly, I responded, “Well, because we are Black.” I would not be writing this if it had not happened more than once. When I am busy having conversations about the color of our future child’s skin, we miss out on the input and support we actually need. The one moment that made me sit down and write this happened at a party for a film. One girl kept looking our way with a giddy energy. She came up to me while I was in line for the bathroom and asked if that was my partner. I said yes. Almost immediately, she started talking about her two friends, also a lesbian couple, and their mixed baby’s hair that they could not handle but loved so much. I was taken aback imagining if one of my friends would offer so much personal information about me to complete strangers. She moved quickly to a now-familiar line of questioning. When I said we wanted a Black donor baby, she asked, “But why Black?” I asked if she had ever asked her white friends why two white women would choose a Black donor. She admitted she had wondered, but confessed she didn’t ask because it would make her look weird, racist. She added that her friends had done it as a form of revolt and pushback. I said, “That is wild.” These moments reinforce something I keep coming back to: There is an unspoken hierarchy of what life is considered worth bringing into the world. A 2022 Washington Post piece explained that in the U.S., fewer than 2% of [sperm donors are Black](https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2022/10/20/black-sperm-donors/). Cryobanks are often not located in diverse spaces. Their search pools are often in places like Ivy League schools, with requirements such as having a bachelor’s degree as a minimum level of education. These choices shape who is even considered, and quietly narrow what becomes possible. Such educational filters are not a reflection of Black men’s intelligence, capabilities, or potential, but are rooted in a longer history in which Black men have faced unequal access. Further, the banks forbid men who are ex-convicts. Yet we know that, in the U.S., the incarceration rate of Black people is [six times the rate of white people](https://www.prisonpolicy.org/blog/2024/04/01/updated-charts/). I would argue that crimes are not a genetic factor. And knowing how our judicial system has been criticized as [racially biased](https://www.prisonpolicy.org/graphs/black%5Fwhite%5Fprison%5Fdisparities%5F2021.html), it becomes clear that this is a criteria that should be revised. Another controversial criteria is that, by FDA regulation, gay men are [not allowed to donate sperm](https://thebuckeyeflame.com/2025/01/16/queer-men-will-finally-be-able-to-donate-their-tissue/). This is often justified by the claim that the gay male population has higher rates of HIV infection. But if the banks claim to be very careful with testing, wouldn’t that already be something that is checked? Knowing that these medical restrictions on gay men are rooted in stigmatization from the early 1980s, they should be revisited and dismantled. Racial dynamics are a distraction to have more meaningful exchanges. The reality is that my wife and I just want to find a donor that is kind, someone who we know and love. The content of his heart is the most important; someone who can be a loving member to the village we would need to raise our future child. And still, wanting a Black child while being Black is treated like a political act. I am Rwandese from a generation that grew up in the immediate aftermath of immense generational loss. In 1994, over [one million people were killed](https://www.unesco.org/en/days/tutsi-genocide) for being Tutsi in just over 100 days, primarily with machetes and by people closest to them. My family was not spared. We lost so many relatives through generational forced displacement, through the quiet erosion of time and circumstance. It still feels like a ripple rock in a sea of tears. Grief is something that morphs in ways we expect the least. It has motivated me to do work that brings people together, to build bridges in spaces that are fractured. As I grow older, I have a longing to make life, to pour into a sea of joy and light. It stays with me that a few years after my grandmother passed, I met her brother. He was a spitting image of her, the same aura. When I saw him, I felt goosebumps. It made me feel like, in having babies with someone closest to my identity, I can maybe bring back faces of people I have never met: uncles, aunts, great cousins. It may be selfish, but I do not want to give in to the idea that parts of us were successfully erased. I hold and speak from a place of immense privilege, which I am so grateful for. To be able to be married, and for it to be possible to have that family. It is not just about the color of the skin of the baby. It is about a lineage my wife and I want to hold together. Identity has to be a crucial factor in the new ways it is possible to have a child today. I want to remember that while [assisted reproductive technologies](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK576409/) are incredible and give so many people the chance to support their parental journey, great responsibility comes with it. I dislike that while there is so much possibility, racism still persists. It trickles into yet another layer of the most intimate moments of our lives. It becomes, yet again, a successful distraction. Instead, I wish people would ask questions like: What values are most important for you to pass on? What kind of support system do you have around you (family, friends, community)? Is there anything you’re still figuring out that you’d like support with? These questions move away from a traditional frame of having a child, feel less intrusive, and invite a more genuine exchange. That kind of dialogue would feel much more like the support system and village we hope to have when raising the children we dream of. [TIME Ideas](https://www.time.com/ideas) hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary on events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. 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