--- title: How to Have Deeper Conversations With Friends description: Asking better questions can help you feel closer to your friends. Experts explain why deeper conversations matter—and share simple ways to start. canonical: https://time.com/article/2026/03/24/how-to-ask-better-questions-friends-connection/ author: Angela Haupt article:opinion: false article:content_tier: free article:published_time: 2026-03-24T13:19:26.037Z article:modified_time: 2026-05-13T06:52:25.879Z article:section: Health og:title: The Secret to Stronger Friendships: Ask Better Questions og:description: You don’t need more time with your friends—just deeper questions. og:url: https://time.com/article/2026/03/24/how-to-ask-better-questions-friends-connection/ og:site_name: TIME og:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blta52d6078c30327fe/69c1ed27a66f4e1a1906eaa9/OSC_Questions.gif?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 og:image:width: 1200 og:image:height: 675 og:image:alt: OSC Questions.gif og:type: article twitter:card: summary_large_image twitter:title: The Secret to Stronger Friendships: Ask Better Questions twitter:description: You don’t need more time with your friends—just deeper questions. twitter:image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blta52d6078c30327fe/69c1ed27a66f4e1a1906eaa9/OSC_Questions.gif?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  # The Secret to Stronger Friendships: Ask Better Questions  by [Angela Haupt](https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Mar 24, 2026 1:19 PM UTC  Illustration by TIME  by [Angela Haupt](https://time.com/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Mar 24, 2026 1:19 PM UTC If you want to feel closer to your friends, you don’t need to overhaul your [social life](https://time.com/7010680/how-to-make-friends-as-adult/). Instead, experts suggest a small, manageable shift: Ask one deeper-than-usual question the next time you talk. Over time, that habit can change the tone of your [conversations](https://time.com/6695336/how-to-have-meaningful-conversations-charles-duhigg-essay/)—and your relationships. “It shifts conversations from updates to connection,” says Kati Morton, a marriage and family therapist in Austin and author of [_Why Do I Keep Doing This?: Unlearn the Habits Keeping You Stuck and Unhappy_](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Do-Keep-Doing-This/dp/0306836548). “It grows a relationship, vs. keeping it stagnant. It’s almost like you’re getting a full, well-rounded meal, whereas if you're just messaging someone on Instagram, that's junk food or candy—it isn’t as fulfilling for your brain and [nervous system](https://time.com/7353430/nervous-system-reset-mindfulness/).” Here’s why asking a single deep question can transform how connected you feel, plus ideas on where to start. ## **The benefits of asking deeper questions** Many friendships default to surface-level conversation for a simple reason: people are busy. “We get so caught up in the day-to-day,” says Cristina Billingsley, a marriage and family therapist in Sacramento, Calif. In other cases, people don’t want to burden their friends, don’t feel like they have the right words to explain what’s really going on, or don’t realize their friends are actually interested in anything beyond catch-up banter with a side of gossip. Instead of [falling back on “How are you?”](https://time.com/article/2026/03/18/how-are-you-question-meaning-listening/)—which often leads to a quick “I’m good”—Billingsley suggests trying something more specific: “What’s been a high and a low for you lately?” That small shift can make it easier for people to open up. She’s also known for asking her friends, “How are you doing today, here and here?” while pointing at her head and her heart. “It invites honesty without pressure and opens the door for a real check-in,” she says. **Read More:** [_Can I Tell Someone They Need Therapy?_](https://time.com/7380600/how-to-tell-someone-they-need-therapy/) When you go deep, your conversations will feel more intentional, creating space for people to pause and reflect instead of slipping into quick, surface-level exchanges. “It tends to make people feel seen and heard,” Billingsley says. Even simple prompts—like asking what’s been weighing on someone’s mind lately or what recent accomplishment they’re most proud of—can create that effect, giving people a chance to share something they might not have brought up on their own. These kinds of conversations [can also feel more emotionally satisfying](https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-pspa0000281.pdf) and energizing, Morton says. [Researchers have found](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167297234003) that people who ask each other progressively deeper questions reported significantly greater closeness than those who made small talk. (Some deep questions used in the research: “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”, “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”, and “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?”) [Another study](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0956797610362675) tracking conversations concluded that the happiest participants had twice as many deep conversations as the least happy. Asking these types of questions works because it prompts gradual, mutual sharing, which builds trust and emotional closeness over time. Plus, deeper questions often unlock conversations that might not otherwise happen. People don’t always share what’s really on their mind unless they’re directly asked. “If I haven’t asked a question, people won’t tell me something,” Morton says. “But when prompted, they will.” That can help one friend better understand what the other is going through—and make it easier to offer and receive support when it’s needed. Otherwise, if you stick to surface-level chatter, it can have a downstream effect: When you really do need a hand, you may not feel comfortable opening up or asking for it, Morton says. Over time, these conversations can deepen not just friendships, but self-awareness, too. Questions that explore how a friend experiences your relationship—or what it means to them—can offer a perspective you don’t often get, says Amy VanHaren, host of the [_Yeah, No, For Sure Show_](https://open.spotify.com/show/3OBv2LFi6Pe668wATDCEfH?si=0d1cf5669b194c88), a podcast about adult friendship. “I come away feeling more in tune with myself as a person,” she says. In that way, a simple question doesn’t just strengthen connection—it can also help you better understand yourself. ## **What to talk about** If asking deeper questions feels awkward, you don’t have to dive in headfirst. One of the easiest ways to start is by following your friend’s lead—listening for what they’re already sharing, and asking a slightly more curious follow-up than you normally would, Morton suggests. If they seem receptive, you can go a bit deeper; if not, you can always pull back and keep things light. “If someone’s already talking about something, that’s your entry point,” Morton says. Instead of jumping to advice or changing the subject, try asking a question that helps them expand on what they’ve said. Even something simple can open the door to a more meaningful exchange. If you’re having coffee with a friend, for example, and she’s complaining about work, you could ask: “What made you decide to be a lawyer, anyway? I don’t think I’ve ever asked you that.” “That leads you down a path,” she says. “It’s like you’re paving the way for a deeper conversation.” **Read More:** [_Why You Should Text 1 Friend This Week_](https://time.com/7345581/why-you-should-text-friend/) As you start to go deeper, the best questions are open-ended and flexible—ones that invite reflection without putting pressure on the other person to respond in a certain way. Morton often suggests prompts like: “What’s been giving you energy lately—or draining it?” Or: “What’s something you’ve been thinking about a lot that you haven’t talked about much?” These kinds of questions, she says, allow people to share as much or as little as they want, while still moving the conversation beyond small talk. VanHaren, meanwhile, encourages people to ask about the relationship itself—something many friends rarely think to do. “We talk to each other for hours, for days, for decades, and we’ve never really asked each other about the friendship,” she says. Checking in this way can offer a meaningful opportunity to take the pulse of a relationship you might take for granted. Some of her favorite questions include: “What’s your favorite version of us?” “When have you felt really seen by me?” “If our friendship had a tagline, what would it be?” “Is there something you need from our friendship that you haven't known how to ask for?” And: “What has our friendship taught you about friendship in general?” During a recent deep conversation, one of VanHaren’s friends told her she was the only person they felt truly vulnerable with. The comment caught her off guard. They had been through a lot together and “developed this beautiful relationship,” VanHaren says, including moments where they fought and found their way back to each other. But she hadn’t realized the extent to which her friend felt safe opening up to her. **Read More:** [_How to Respond to ‘How Are You?’ When You’re Not OK_](https://time.com/7341470/how-to-respond-to-how-are-you-when-youre-not-ok/) VanHaren asked what made their connection different: “What is it about me,” she remembers asking, “that makes you feel safe enough to be there?” Talking about it brought them closer. “It was the most amazing conversation, because we saw one another in a new light,” she says. “I realized that we actually want to talk about our friendships and what they've meant and how they've been hard, and we just don't—we forget to ask those questions.” The next time you catch up with a friend, try asking one question you normally wouldn’t, and see where it leads. “The goal isn’t to make every conversation heavy,” Morton says. “It’s simply to create more opportunities for genuine connection. 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