--- description: Experts explain why asking “how are you?” without listening can harm your relationships—and how to make the question meaningful again. title: 'How Are You?' Has Lost All Meaning. Here's A Better Way To Greet People image: https://static.time.com/v3/assets/bltea6093859af6183b/blt52452b24db690dcb/69b9ccc0a8d447fadcdb7a9a/Time_to_talk_How_are_you.png?branch=production&width=3840&quality=75&auto=webp&crop=16:9 ---  * [Health](/section/health/) ## Health Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close * [Time to Talk](/tag/time-to-talk/) ## Time to Talk Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close # 'How Are You?' Has Lost All Meaning. Here's A Better Way To Greet People  by [Angela Haupt](/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Mar 18, 2026 12:45 PM CUT  Illustration by TIME  by [Angela Haupt](/author/angela-haupt/)  ## Angela Haupt Update your preferences in [Account Settings](/account/preferences/) Close Mar 18, 2026 12:45 PM CUT You probably ask many of the people you [interact with every day](https://time.com/7345581/why-you-should-text-friend/ "undefined") the same question: “How are you?” Yet this phrase, once a genuine inquiry, has morphed into little more than a [reflexive greeting](https://time.com/7341244/12-communication-habits-to-ditch-2026/ "undefined") we say while passing a colleague in the hall or running into a neighbor in the produce aisle. “We've turned ‘how are you’ into [punctuation](https://time.com/7272258/hostile-punctuation-texting-email-exclamation-question-marks/ "undefined")—it’s not really a question anymore,” says Audra Nuru, a professor of communication studies and family studies at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minn. “And the moment it stopped being a real question, we stopped expecting a real answer.” It’s still a great question to ask sometimes. The key is following one simple rule: If you’re not prepared to listen to the answer, don’t ask, or choose a different phrase. “To me, ‘How are you?’ carries an implicit promise,” Nuru says. “When you ask that and mean it, you’re signaling, ‘Hey, I have space and time for you right now’—and that's worth being really intentional about.” ## **How “how are you?” became a social script** Many people are so busy rushing to the next thing—and the thing after that—that they’re never fully present for whoever is in front of them. As a result, interactions become quick and transactional, Nuru says: “How are you?” “Good. You?” “Good.” Then we move on. “We’ve optimized our conversations for efficiency,” she says. “We’ve squeezed our conversations into gaps between meetings or errands, and we end up trading these updates instead of sharing what's really going on beneath the surface.” Part of the problem, Nuru says, is that people increasingly conflate constant contact with real connection. “We’ve mistaken being in touch for being connected,” she says. It’s possible to text someone five times a day and still have little idea what’s happening in their life. “It's just noise we make at each other to maintain the illusion that we care,” says Keisha Saunders-Waldron, who sees the same pattern in her therapy practice in Greensboro, N.C. Over time, people also learn the honest answer to “how are you?” isn’t always welcome. “We perform this OK-ness because we know people are uncomfortable with our real feelings,” Saunders-Waldron says. Instead of opening up, many default to socially acceptable replies like “fine, thanks”—even when they’re struggling. “That performative exchange,” she says, “is making people lonelier than ever while surrounded by people who supposedly care about them.” ## **Why it matters** The stakes of treating “how are you?” like a throwaway greeting are higher than you might expect. When the question becomes little more than a social script, people learn to respond in a superficial way. Over time, that can contribute to loneliness, shallow connections, and what some experts describe as emotional dishonesty. When you ask someone how they are and don't actually stop to hear the answer, you're “teaching them that their real experience doesn't matter,” Saunders-Waldron says. “You’re saying, ‘I’m going through the motions of caring, but I don't actually have space for you.’ And people feel that.” A client recently told Saunders-Waldron that she cried for 20 minutes after running into a friend at the grocery store. The friend asked the woman how she was, and Saunders-Waldron’s client—who had been going through a divorce and custody battle—said she was good because she felt like the friend didn't really want to know. They had a two-minute chat before going their separate ways. “My client sat in her car afterward devastated, because she'd just performed OK-ness for someone who supposedly cared about her,” Saunders-Waldron says. **Read More:** [_How to Respond to ‘How Are You?’ When You’re Not OK_](https://time.com/7341470/how-to-respond-to-how-are-you-when-youre-not-ok/ "undefined") When we don’t slow down enough for meaningful interactions, we risk ending up with plenty of relationships but few that feel close. Surface-level check-ins can create the illusion of connection without the depth that sustains relationships. Over time, those missed moments of real conversation erode the bond two people once shared. [Research suggests](https://www.robertwaldinger.com/harvard-study "undefined") that close relationships predict how healthy and happy we are as we age. “Those relationships aren't built in grand gestures,” Nuru says. “They're built in the accumulation of small moments where we actually show up for each other—and asking them how they are, and meaning it, is one of those moments.” ## **The rule: Don’t ask unless you’re ready to listen** Asking someone how they are implies they have your attention. If that’s not the case—because you’re already late to a meeting that started five minutes ago or are juggling a dozen other things in your head—say something else instead, experts suggest. Only ask the question if you’re actually prepared to listen. “If we're going to ask, we need to mean it,” Saunders-Waldron says. “And if we mean it, we need to stop and listen. Otherwise, we're just lying to each other and calling it connection.” If you’re genuinely pleased to see someone but can't afford to slow down for a chat, tell the other person that it’s good to see them, Nuru suggests. You could also tell them that you have to run, but that you really want to catch up soon—and then actually follow up. Keep in mind, too, that people can tell when you’re moving through a conversation with your attention already on what you're going to have for dinner or who you need to text back. Saunders-Waldron likes to challenge people to ask three friends a week how they’re doing—and to put their phones away, make direct eye contact, and make it clear they’re not zipping off somewhere else. If their friend says they’re fine but you sense they’re not, she suggests following up like this: “No, really, how are you?” “‘Fine’ is almost always a deflection,” Saunders-Waldron says. “People need permission to be honest, and most of the time nobody's giving them that permission.” ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https://time.com/article/2026/03/18/how-are-you-question-meaning-listening/","mainEntityOfPage":{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://time.com/article/2026/03/18/how-are-you-question-meaning-listening/"},"headline":"'How Are You?' Has Lost All Meaning. 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