Music: How to Be a Composer

The business of being a composer used to consist mainly in having talent, writing music in a garret, and maybe finding a wealthy patron or two. Nowadays, what with foundation grants, teaching jobs, formal contests and informal cocktail party juries, the business is a lot more complicated. In the A.C.A. (American Composers Alliance) Bulletin, Iowa-born Composer Lockrem Johnson (A Letter to Emily) offers a sardonic, modern-day guide to musical success. Excerpts: ¶ “Learn to balance teacups. Naturally, this applies only to the beginning stages of your career. By the time of your first major symphonic work you will graduate to balancing martini glasses. Meanwhile remember that more than one promising career has been nipped in the bud by a petit four injudiciously dropped on the wrong dress.”

¶ “Announce that you compose away from the piano. It doesn’t matter whether you do or not, but you must always say so (‘I visualized the entire oratorio in a flash while washing the dishes’).” ¶ “When you get there, kick over the ladder. You will undoubtedly teach, and you must remember at all times that every student represents a potential rival. A little bad advice, discreetly given, has halted or slowed many a career.” ¶ “Have money. Birth, marriage or fraud are the three most suitable sources.’