To Sir with Love

When I was a kid, the world of grownups was full of mysterious delights, like drinking coffee, staying up late and using swear words. Adults had first names, but no one under 21 knew what they were because back then, grownups were part of a Mr.-and-Mrs. package. Your friend’s parents might have been Ginny and Stan, but for you they were Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, and they would remain so forever. Now, though, Mr. and Mrs. Peterson are divorced. Mrs. Peterson is remarried but uses her maiden name. Mr. Peterson and his new wife just had a baby and are hyphenating.

About half of all families today are marked by multiple marriages and mingled surnames. Parents and children no longer necessarily share a family name. Schools cope by sending mail addressed “To the parents of…” But without Mr. and Mrs., how should children address adults?

Kids know that my daughter and I have different last names, but they often forget mine. They know that as an unmarried woman, I’m not a Mrs. Yet Miss doesn’t seem right for a mom, and I dislike Ms. For years I did what many parents do–I asked my daughter’s friends to call me by my first name. We parents claim it’s simpler that way. The truth is that we think the informality will keep us young and cool and prevent us from becoming our parents. Instead, we become the reluctant peers of our kids and their friends, who skip into the kitchen to ask, “Hey Amy, got a soda?” I’ve dealt with this discomfort by asking my young friends to call me Miss Amy. This has gone over limply, at best.

Louisiana tried to take the matter out of the hands of feckless parents like me last week when the Governor signed into law the “Respect Bill,” which requires kids in public schools to address teachers as ma’am or sir; Mr., Mrs. or Ms.–and it’s starting to sound good to me, because it gets us all off the hook, first-name-wise. Mr. Trey Williams, Governor Mike Foster’s press secretary, told me the Governor feels that the use of ma’am and sir should be taught at home, but it isn’t. He called me by my first name throughout our chat. I’m not complaining, but a ma’am might have been nice, just to hear how it sounded.

I called Letitia Baldrige, social secretary of the Kennedy White House and author of books on manners, and she politely but firmly set me straight on how children should address adults. “For children the parents of their friends should be addressed as Mr. and Mrs.,” she said. “A woman in your situation should be Miss or Ms., followed by your last name. Even if your name is different from your child’s, it can be memorized.” Ms. Baldrige thinks that “Miss Amy” is pleasingly Southern and old-fashioned but is not strictly correct.

Parents can make this easy for children, she said, by always introducing other adults as “Mr., Miss or Ms.” In front of a child, do not ask other adults what name they would like the child to call them by; in a panic they might suggest their first name. If an adult insists that she be addressed by her first name, though, the child should comply. Ms. Baldrige then suggested that parents like me should grow up immediately, and politely ask to be addressed correctly. Before we hung up, I had one more question. “May I call you Letitia?” I asked. “Certainly,” she said. “Everybody does.”

See our website at time.com/personal for more on manners for kids. You can send Amy an e-mail at timefamily@aol.com