NO ONE HAS TO SEND A GIFT

My partner, Patrick Marston, was asked recently why he wanted to marry me. Patrick looked surprised at the question and replied simply, “Because I love David very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him.” It is hard to imagine that such an honest and loving statement could be the subject of a bitter national debate. Last week’s Hawaii court ruling has increased the tempo of the morals police, who are determined to impose their values on our lives. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of political demagogues willing to build their careers on the fear of change.

The court ruling has been a cause for jubilation for those who believe in justice. The issue of marriage goes far beyond the commitment of two people of the same sex. It goes to the civil rights of gay and lesbian Americans. The effort to ban same-sex marriage would deny us the basic rights accorded to our neighbors and friends. The issue involves immigration, taxation, family leave, health care, adoption, Medicare and numerous other benefits and rights. I don’t know one American who would willingly surrender any of these rights.

Repeatedly I have been told by politicians frantically seeking to avoid leadership that a majority of Americans do not approve of same-sex unions. Although I am sad that people are so frightened of Patrick’s and my love, I refuse to allow anyone’s discomfort to be the reason why we should be less free than other Americans. I sincerely hope that eventually most of our fellow citizens will be able to understand our love for each other. But nowhere in the Constitution of the United States does the word comfortable appear as a criterion for the full enjoyment of the rights accorded to every American citizen. In fact, this nation’s founders went to great pains to protect an unpopular minority from the tyranny of a majority.

Let us be clear what this issue does not do. It does not force any religious institution to perform a same-sex marriage. Such institutions are now free to refuse to marry even heterosexual couples based on certain religious beliefs. Members of those institutions will continue to have the ability to chose whom they want to marry. No citizen will be tied to a chair and forced to watch the happy couple dance at a reception. No one is required to send a gift.

In fact, if our fellow citizens chose, they can do what they did when many of them disapproved of interracial and interfaith marriages. They can sit at home, loudly condemn us, pray for us and express their disgust. But let us be very clear, their beliefs and disapproval are not grounds to commit a grave injustice to millions of their fellow citizens. Gay and lesbian Americans should be accorded the same rights as other Americans…no more, but certainly no less.

As for Patrick and me, we are going to get married. We both are blessed because our families and many of our straight friends plan to participate in the ceremony and celebrate with us. I guess we could wait until everyone approves and the laws of the land say we can legally get married, but then I guess Rosa Parks could have waited until the laws of Alabama said she could ride in the front of the bus. She refused to give up her dignity in the face of unjust laws–and so do Patrick and I.

David Mixner is a writer and gay activist whose most recent book is Stranger Among Friends (Bantam Books).