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SHOCKING

MATT LAUER–deer collision produces mythological Lauer-Man

Cast of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA debates wartime ethics at U.N.

DAVID LETTERMAN weds. Jimmy Kimmel still available

Rome plans ANCIENT ROME theme park. Get ready for Crucifixion Cove

ANNE HATHAWAY to play Judy Garland

ROSEANNE mulls return to sitcom TV. May we suggest a timely show about an economically depressed blue collar family?

Merman film on tap. Yes, Hollywood’s down to recycling jokes from ZOOLANDER

LINDSAY LOHAN slowly realizing that no one wants to hire her

PREDICTABLE

Impatient OBAMA signs postpresidential book deal

PHIL SPECTOR’S hair just won’t quit!

Bored BUSH signs “I got nothing else to do” book deal

SMASHING PUMPKINS lose drummer for, like, the third time

KIEFER SUTHERLAND to enter eighth season, second week of 24

STEPHEN COLBERT continues endless campaign to have everything named after him–this time a room in the space station

HARRISON FORD and CALISTA FLOCKHART get engaged

LANCE ARMSTRONG breaks up with his collarbone

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE