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DEPARTMENT

SHOCKING

SOUTH PARK registers displeasure over Indiana Jones sequel with episode showing Indy violated by Lucas and Spielberg

FAMILY GUY to do live reading at Carnegie Hall. Carnegie Hall shudders

BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA continues its reign over the October box office. It’s not as if these Wall Street guys have anything else to do

BRITNEY SPEARS sings, writhes suggestively in racy new music video. She’s back, people!

Following atrocious EMMY AWARDS hosted by reality-show judges, Emmys create reality-show-host award

WEEKLY WORLD NEWS saved!

COLIN POWELL: slightly better rapper than Karl Rove

JONAS BROTHERS to play Dallas Cowboys halftime show. Terrell Owens squeals with glee

PREDICTABLE

WALL STREET sequel in the works. Producers ask government for financing

ACE OF BASE to release new album in 2009, so enjoy the rest of 2008

VLADIMIR PUTIN gets tiger cub for his birthday, plans to teach it tiger-claw judo flip

Gossip Girl stars team up with MOVEON.ORG for Obama ad, further solidifying Obama’s appeal to rich kids of nonvoting age

RINGO STARR puts a moratorium on fan mail in desperate attempt to get fan mail

MARK WAHLBERG not amused by Barky Bark and the Donkey Bunch

’80s Sci-fi lizard series V to be remade. Only 17 ’80s series to go

MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE, splitsville

SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE

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