Starting Time

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TIME

Person of the Week
LETTING BYGONES BE, YOU KNOW … The generals are in exile or jail; Maggie is on the lecture circuit. It’s been two decades since Argentina’s junta launched its ill-fated grab for the Falkland Islands. Last week Tony Blair made the first visit to Argentina by a British PM since the hostilities

Noted
“I’ve got a hundred bucks that says my baby beats Pete’s baby.”
ANDRE AGASSI,
predicting his child with Steffi Graf will play better tennis than the offspring of rival Pete Sampras

Prime Number
9 billionpeople will be the peak human population of the earth, a study forecasts. After 2070, researchers say, the world’s popula-tion will begin to decline

Omen
Shelters in New York City are reporting 30% more requests for lodging than last year and a record number of homeless families because of the U.S. economic slump

Winners
NOR MALENA HASSAN
Malaysian sets record by spending a month in a cage with more than 2,000 scorpions, handily beating the old mark of zero days
JEAN-YVES EMPEREUR
Archaeologist wins apology from Tomb Raider gamemaker for using his name. This puts the kibosh on our new PC game: Super Jean-Yves
EUROPEAN VERMIN
New study says that an Ebola-like virus, not rats, caused the Black Plague. Rats, it turns out, were actually responsible for the Renaissance
Losers
WILT CHAMBERLAIN
Late basketball star’s $4.3 million “luxury love nest,” including water-bed floor, still unsold. Come on, over 20,000 women can’t be wrong
PENTHOUSE READERS
94-year-old Dercy Goncalves will pose nude in the magazine’s Brazilian edition. Editors say she’s so hot that she can pass for 93, easy
JOHN REESE
Student pilot crashes in Cuba. Mistakenly believing he has found a new continent, he dubs it Johnania and offers to swap beads for sex


The Killer App
The Sylvia Miles Ashtray Is Mine!
By CHANTAL McLAUGHLIN

Who could have imagined in the heady late ’90s that the Web would become a mausoleum preserving the celebrity afterlife of fallen stars? Back then it seemed the Internet would be the exclusive domain of radical, paradigm-busting new concepts, like ordering pet food in bulk. Now some of the oldest, most forgotten names in Hollywood have found in the Net a follow spot that, in theory, never dims. They’ve set up websites acclaiming their careers, personal lives and, in truly alarming numbers, shilling products imbued with their glamour. There’s no easier way, fans, to purchase a genuine Buddy “The Beverly Hillbillies” Ebsen painting.

BURT REYNOLDS
burtreynolds.com

He’s a talented guy, according to testimonials from Cary Grant, Bette Davis and Jackie Gleason. Burt also ranks his oeuvre for quality, with The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing coming in at No. 11. (“Cat Dancing was sorrow and pain,” he reveals.)

SHIRLEY MACLAINE
shirleymaclaine.com

For $9.99 per month fans can enjoy the “ShirleyCam,” which promises to follow the celestial-celeb on UFO stakeouts

LILY TOMLIN
lilytomlin.com

Don’t miss her genuinely funny Ziegfeld Follies-esque version of Born Free

OZZY OSBOURNE
ozzy.com

Get The Hand of Ozz CD holder for $49.95

THE OTHER OSMONDS
osmond.com/brothers

Merrill, Jay, Jimmy, and Waynetotally Donny and Marie-free

PAULY SHORE
paulyshore.com

“L.A. is just one big bilboard [sic],” he writes, “and I used to be on it, but now I’m not.” Also featured are photos of the many girlfriends who have dumped him

CHARO
charo.com

More brutal confessions: according to her website, no guest was on more episodes of The Love Boat

BOBBY RYDELL
bobbyrydell.com

He’s playing the Royal Caribbean Cruise in October

LIBERACE
flatwaremedia.com/liberace

The Bejeweled One may no longer be with us, but his “museum” sells fridge magnets and candelabras

JACK LA LANNE
www.jacklalanne.com

In great shape! And still making money! Buy a collage of memorabilia from The Jack La Lanne Show and for an extra $19.95 you’ll get a video of Jack signing it for you

BARBRA STREISAND
barbrastreisand.com

You can buy a replica of Barbra’s gold record for People. But the real innovation is a section in which Barbara rebuts erroneous news reports. (She did not make staff at the MGM Grand avert their eyes when she passed.)


Milestones
By CHANTAL McLAUGHLIN

DIED. REX T. BARBER, 84, above right, World War II U.S. fighter pilot given partial credit for shooting down the plane carrying Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, the strategist of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, in a famed 1943 ambush; in Terrebonne, Oregon. For 28 years the Air Force gave sole credit to pilot Thomas G. Lanphier Jr., above left, but in 1973 Barber was officially recognized.
DIED. EDWARD GIEREK, 88, reform-minded communist leader of Poland from 1970-1980 whose attempts to liberalize the economy plunged the country into debt and ignited the discontent that led to the creation of the Solidarity movement; in Cieszyn, Poland.
DIED. KOREY STRINGER, 27, Minnesota Vikings football player who collapsed during training; from heatstroke, in Mankato, Minnesota. The lineman was a first-round draft pick and famously generous. When he was selected for the Pro Bowl, Stringer signed over his check to buy equipment for his high-school team.
DIED. BERTIE FELSTEAD, 106, last known surviving member of the World War I British battalion that left the trenches in northern France on Christmas Day, 1915, to play soccer with German soldiers in a spontaneous truce; in Gloucester, U.K. The enemies also chatted and shared cigarettes before a British major ordered an end to the fraternizing.
DIED. JOHN WALTERS, 63, witty bbc radio and TV personality with cutting-edge musical tastes who produced the influential John Peel radio show Top Gear in the 1960s and ’70s, which gave debuts to Jethro Tull, King Crimson and Tyrannosaurus Rex; in Oxted, U.K. Prior to joining the Beeb he played trumpet with the Alan Price Set, founded by the former Animals keyboardist.
DIED. FANNY BRENNAN, 80, French-born American surrealist painter whose childhood was spent among the international artistic circles of 1920s Paris; in New York City. As a young artist she had her portrait drawn by Alberto Giacometti and taught Pablo Picasso how to play Chinese checkers. Her specialty was miniature still lifes, usually just a few inches wide.
DIED. LEON WILKESON, 49, bassist and founding member of Lynyrd Skynyrd, the 1970s U.S. rock band that sold 35 million albums and is best known for its songs Freebird and Sweet Home Alabama; in his sleep, in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Wilkeson survived the 1977 plane crash that killed three members of the group. He and the remaining members reformed the band in 1987 and were in the midst of a U.S. tour.
RETIRED. MICHAEL FLATLEY, 42, the flashy and temperamental Irish-American star of the original Riverdance step-dancing extravaganza, who was fired but went on to headline his hugely successful Lord of the Dance show, after announcing that last week’s performance of his Feet of Flames tour would be his final live appearance; in Dallas, Texas. Flatley, whose feet are insured for $50 million, plans to devote his time to a film career.

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