I’m sure picking a presidential candidate on the basis of what he’s done or what he says is a great method–if you’re 70 and have nothing but free time. I’m making my choice the more efficient way: MySpace. Whichever candidate is best at being my friend gets my vote. It worked for high school elections, and now it will work for the Leader of the Free World.
I went to the MySpace pages of all 18 candidates from the two major parties and asked them to be my friend. All accepted my friendship within hours (Republicans Mike Huckabee and Jim Gilmore even left comments on my site: “Thanks for the add!”). All, that is, except Rudy Giuliani. Not only did Giuliani prevent me from seeing his site by setting his profile to private, as if he were a hot 16-year-old girl with strict parents, but–unlike the other candidates, who accepted my invitation almost immediately–Rudy has still not made me his friend after 25 days. I’m starting to see why the man blew two marriages.
Since the first thing I want from a friend is someone who responds seriously to every stupid thing I say, I sent all the candidates this message: “Wassup? Jordin is totally going to win Idol! She’s awesome!! So are you!! Put up some new pics. LOL ;) Why should I vote for you? I only have one vote! ROFL ;) Write back fast, Joel.”
In just a few hours, Mike Gravel’s spokeswoman messaged: “No time for new pics. Too busy accepting new friends. To save the world. It’s the only thing that can, so please use it wisely.” Although I have no idea what she meant, I liked the Gravel spirit. Sam Brownback’s spokesman wrote back: “New pics, you say? Hmmm … ok. I think we will. Hope you feel special when we put up a new default picture! ;)” This was the kind of friend I wanted. Someone I could influence.
It’s also important that my friends be willing to broadcast my thoughts to their other friends. So I sent a comment for the candidates to put on their sites: “Dude, you rock! Throw some phat parties in that White House next year, yo!! You could probably get Eminem to play! I’d totally come to that!” In two hours, the comment was up on my pal Brownback’s site and also on the pages of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, Dennis Kucinich, Duncan Hunter and Chris Dodd. I was taken with Dodd since his page includes his iPod playlists on the “Dodd Podd”–songs from Ben Lee, the Silversun Pickups, Arcade Fire. Who doesn’t like a friend who turns them on to new music? But I finally had to eliminate Dodd because the dude kept sending me bulletins. One asked me to vote in an online poll for Iowa’s Channel 13 news about which candidate the station should profile next. Friends who ask you to vote for them in online polls are too high maintenance.
I eliminated other candidates because their photos were too embarrassing to keep on my top 16. People were sending me comments making fun of my “hot friends.” McCain and Clinton looked as if they were posing for yearbook photos. (You’re 59, Hillary. Take your hand out from under your chin.) Tommy Thompson’s main photo has him standing with a bunch of black kids and giving them a double thumbs-up, as if to tell us that despite whatever you may have heard, Thompson totally approves of black children. His site, however, does have a cool function where people Twitter–write short messages that blink on a map of wherever they’re from. Over five minutes, I saw these Twitters:
Kevin, Tampa FL: “Win the whitehouse for us cheeseheads.”
Bubbles, Lewiston MN: “Hey, everybody.”
Murderface, Providence RI: “Yeah, you rock!”
John Johnson, Stuyvesant PA: “Not really crazy about Tommy Thompson.”
I did not want a friend with such mixed Twitters, no matter how jazzed he is about black children.
The truth is, I suspected from the moment I saw Romney’s photo that he was my one true MySpace-friend candidate. His photo has him in an Olympic parka, looking off-camera, having just done some kind of outdoorsy activity that we might do together one day. His site blasts the ultracool remix of Elvis’ A Little Less Conversation, which told me so much. Namely, that Romney, like me, is not a man who enjoys foreplay. And he spent some real time on the “interests” section. I know the bands he likes (all cool except the Kingston Trio), his favorite books (Thomas Friedman! Huck Finn! No mention of Battleship Earth!). One of the groups he’s involved in is National Campaign for Turn Signal Enforcement. I totally hate it when people don’t signal!
I was all psyched to go with Romney as my candidate. Then Brownback’s spokesman agreed to put me on Brownback’s top-friends list–in return for changing my screen name from “Joel Stein” to “Joel Stein Supports Sam Brownback.” That guy knows how MySpace friendship works.
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