Punchlines: Jul. 25, 2005

“ESPN magazine says that Lance Armstrong is considering running for Governor of Texas. Well, finally Texas would have a Governor who knew how to ride a bicycle.”

–JAY LENO

“Tuesday the Senate voted to continue distributing a significant portion of security dollars equally among the states, rather than by likelihood of attack. [That’s] good news for smaller states like Wyoming, which only has one high-risk target–the popular tourist attraction, the world’s largest pile of homeland-security money.”

–JON STEWART

“REPORT: UNRELEASED HARRY POTTER BOOK MORE SECURE THAN U.S. TRAINS.”

–Fake news headline from THE ONION