Punchlines: May 23, 2005

“We’ve made tremendous progress in dealing with these situations. A new strategy has been implemented, and it worked to perfection today. It’s called ‘Run for Your Lives!'” –JON STEWART, on the reaction to a stray aircraft last week in Washington

“There hasn’t been such a panicked evacuation of the White House since Hillary walked in on Bill.” –DAVID LETTERMAN

“Today is National Small Business Day. It’s the day we honor a lot of small businesses that used to be big businesses.” –JAY LENO

“SENATORS LURED BACK TO EMERGENCY SESSION BY PROMISE OF FREE PIZZA” –Mock news headline in THE ONION

“California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their Governor.” –TINA FEY, on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”