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People: Sep. 8, 2003

3 minute read
Joel Stein

Finally, a Reason to Miss Bruce Vilanch

In an act of promotional desperation not seen since the Madonna pictures at right, DAVID SPADE takes over next week’s Hollywood Squares with a bunch of former child actors to push his movie Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. Barry Williams from The Brady Bunch, singer Leif Garrett, Happy Days’ Erin Moran, The Lost Boys’ Corey Feldman, The Partridge Family’s Danny Bonaduce, Eight Is Enough star Willie Aames and Diff’rent Strokes’ Todd Bridges (all of whom cameo in the movie) participated in what is now a decades-long attempt to infuse excitement into tic-tac-toe. “They were all yelling out to each other whose band sucks. Because they’re all in one,” Spade says. “I walked out with a handful of CDs. I put them in a really special place.” Although Feldman behaved a bit like he was still a child–“He has a lot to say. I’m not sure anyone wants to listen, but he has a lot to say”–Spade says they were all good to work with, at least during the taping. “When they found out it was for charity,” he says, “a few dressing rooms got smashed up.”


Apparently, sometimes all you need to commit yourself to a career that means risking your life and distancing yourself emotionally from your friends and family is a quick look at a hot chick. So the CIA has persuaded Alias star JENNIFER GARNER–who plays a CIA agent on TV–to appear in a college recruitment video. Having successfully appealed to pathological liars earlier this year with that whole African yellowcake scandal, the CIA has moved on to the horny-young-boys phase of its rebuilding process. Meanwhile, Kiefer Sutherland has got to be considering hiring Garner’s agent.

Kissing Her …

Girls Gone Wild video-series creator Joe Francis was at last Thursday’s MTV Video Music Awards, no doubt feeling infringed upon. He realized long ago that you can make two uninteresting women a lot more interesting by having them give each other an open mouthed kiss. So for the first number, MADONNA, coming off a poorly selling album and an even worse-selling movie, played tonsil hockey with BRITNEY SPEARS, who has had some sales struggles of her own. Then she Dietriched over to CHRISTINA AGUILERA and gave her some sugar too. If the Material Girl’s Gap ads don’t move some merch, we might see her yanking up her top at the Grammys.

… Dressing Him

In an apparent effort to atone for the years of homophobia, EMINEM out-Chered the Queer Eye guys at the MTV video awards, sporting four different outfits, though we sadly have room to show you only three. (The fourth was a fabulous cerulean blue.) Each ensemble is from his Shady label, soon to join every other rapper’s tracksuit line at a mall near you.

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