Honk if You Love Congress

Thanks to remarkable reporting skills honed over my career as a columnist, I have hunted down the impossible. I’ve found three of the 658 people who bought Heidi Montag’s album, a woman who ate her placenta and–right after the Anthony Weiner scandal–two women who wanted to see pictures of my penis. What more the Pulitzer committee expects, I do not know.

But I have never had so challenging an assignment as finding people who approve of Congress. A CBS News/New York Times poll claims 12% of Americans like the job Congress is doing. While that matches the lowest number ever recorded, it’s got to be way inflated. For two weeks I searched everywhere in L.A. for people who’d join me for a meal and say they don’t hate Congress. The most common response I got to my plea of “I’m looking to gather a group of people who approve of Congress” was “Are you going to meet in a phone booth?” As a society, we really need to come up with a new reference for a one-person space now that phone booths don’t exist.

I eventually found five people, two of whom wouldn’t let me print their names because they didn’t want people to know they think Congress is O.K. I’ve printed the names of pornographers, music pirates who were being hunted by the FBI, writers for the Weekly World News, men who get Botox and the woman who’s married to me. But these people I could not convince.

We met for brunch at the Alcove Cafe. Three of the five were Tea Party enthusiasts. “A Congress that doesn’t get anything done delights me,” said CongressLover1, a doctor who was afraid his patients would leave him if they knew he liked the work of the American government. Janet Fuchs, a housewife with a Ph.D., said, “I might be the only person who was happy when Newt Gingrich shut down the government.” I wondered whether liking Congress because it can’t get anything done counts as approval, until I realized I could not afford to be picky.

Worse yet, when I returned to our table after picking up beverages, all five were complaining about Congress. They talked about pork-barrel spending, lobbyists and how Representatives are constantly running for office instead of governing. This was the kind of discussion I could have had simply by sitting at any other table in the restaurant.

I asked them each to name something they thought the Senate and House did well. Matthew Bilinsky, a lawyer, said, “Give me a second. I know it’s there. It’ll come to me.” This was a guy who drove in Los Angeles traffic to express why he likes the job Congress is doing. Heidi Ferrer, founder of the blog Girl to Mom and screenwriter of the Paris Hilton film The Hottie & the Nottie, liked that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act prevents insurance companies from rejecting kids with pre-existing conditions, since her son has progressive infantile scoliosis. It’s the kind of statement that would make even a jaded crowd that wasn’t sharing pastries realize that we are definitely going to see Ferrer standing up and waving during the State of the Union.

Bilinsky said that though there were things in the health care act he disliked, “I think they made progress.” I added that, for the most part, they dress well.

But more than specific accomplishments, the people in my group all appreciated how difficult Congress’s job is right now. The choices before us, they agreed, are tough, especially since Americans disagree fundamentally on what’s best for the nation. “It’s like a bad divorce when you have to sort out terms,” Fuchs said. “People just blame Congress because they’re out there talking about it and arguing with each other about it.” In general, the Congress approvers were a very pro-arguing group.

These were also people, I was figuring out, who dislike other Americans even more than Congress. “People like saying something sucks because it gives them an identity. I know because I used to be like that,” said Bilinsky. Ferrer agreed, saying, “Anger makes you feel good. It pumps you up.” They thought anger was amplified by the media, even though the media was buying them a pretty nice brunch. “Dylan Ratigan, be mad on your own time. People are trying to solve problems,” Bilinsky said.

Since they all agreed that Congress is getting a lot of unearned animosity, I suggested we send a token of thanks. “People like flowers,” Ferrer said. “Six dozen white roses. It makes a statement.” CongressLover2 and Bilinsky came up with a bumper sticker we could make for Senators and Representatives: IF YOU THINK I CAN FIT THE RIGHT ANSWER ON THIS BUMPER STICKER, PLEASE DON’T VOTE. I had the bumper stickers made by CafePress.com where any Congress lover can buy them and mail them to the Capitol. I sent roses myself, but only three dozen. We decided Congress didn’t deserve the full 72-rose approval rating.