Wednesday is the 10-year anniversary of the hit film Mean Girls, and the movie’s observations are just as true today as they were a decade ago. But after all these years there’s another group of teens still ripe for satire: High school boys.
Though boys may not have rules about wearing pink on Wednesdays, they have plenty of their own problems — namely struggling to live up to macho stereotypes while hiding their emotions from their male friends. Last year Rosalind Wiseman — author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, the book upon which Mean Girls is based — published Masterminds and Wingmen, a similar dive into the high school politics of boys. And in her TIME feature “What Boys Want,” Wiseman (who didn’t participate in our dream casting session) argues that boys are just as or even more emotionally invested in their romantic and social lives as girls.
A Mean Boys movie could explore these social problems, and maybe show off new technology that goes beyond the dreaded three-way calling attack. Imagine dirty selfies and Facebook woven into a Mean Boys plot: in Wiseman’s piece, one boy calls Snapchat “the condom of sexting.”
According to Wiseman, there are seven teenage male archetypes. And we knew exactly which actors could play which archetypes in a Mean Boys film. It’s like we have ESPN or something.
(Disclaimer: Yes, most of these actors are in their mid-to-late-20s and playing high schoolers. But hey, it’s Hollywood. Rachel McAdams was 25 when Mean Girls came out.)
1. Dave Franco as the Mastermind: directs group movement and gives approval to friends
Let’s give Franco a chance to come out from his brother’s shadow (and Zac Efron’s shadow for that matter) and play an enhanced version of his 21 Jump Street Character.
2. Andrew Garfield as the Associate: the social point person who gathers information and the one best equipped to stand up to the mastermind
Garfield’s experience as Spider-Man would well equip him to gather information and stand up to bullies.
3. Miles Teller as the Entertainer: defuses tension in the group but can inadvertently hurt others through his jokes
Teller often plays the joker, but now he’d be using that cruel charm to elevate his social status.
4. Michael B. Jordan as the Conscience: the one who worries about consequences to the group’s actions
Try as I might, I cannot cast Michael B. Jordan as anyone except the “moral guy.” I don’t want to sully the memory of Vince Howard on Friday Night Lights.
5. Liam Hemsworth as the Bouncer: the guy who takes the fall for the group when they get into trouble and often struggles academically
With his looks, Hemsworth could easily worm his way out of trouble as the fall man.
6. Michael Cera as the Punching Bag: the easy target for teasing within the group
Don’t mess with a formula that works: Cera is totally the male version of poor Gretchen who was forbidden from wearing hoop earrings.
7. Jack Gleeson as the Fly: hovers outside the group and builds friendships through bragging or buying things
He’d be like Joffrey from Game of Thrones — but without all the evil and murder.
So get on it, Tina Fey. We want to make a Mean Boys movie happen. And unlike ‘fetch,’ we actually think it might catch on.
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